Linsanity Shown to be Caused by Rage Linfested Monkeys
NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)
28 Days Later after Jeremy Lin has made an impact in the NBA, media outlets have been reporting on the wide spread Linsanity in New York City, and slowly spreading to New Jersey, Long Island, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut. With Linsanity spreading, the EPA has classified this as a class 5 outbreak, and has recommended that people in unaffected areas stock up on duct tape and canned goods in case their town starts to show signs of Linsanity. Scientists have been working around the clock, and have discovered the origin of Linsanity being traced back to rage Linfested monkeys in a pharmaceutical laboratory in Northern Jersey.
The EPA has recently reported a discovery that Linsanity is being spread by infected humans biting uninfected humans. This could mean that the virus is spread in the saliva, and could potentially be spread through other bodily fluids. Citizens are urged to keep their distance from any Linsane individuals, but if trapped in a corner, those with Linsanity can be stopped by bashing the head and killing the brain.
Remember, those with Linsanity may look human, they may be those people closest to you, who you have loved and cherished, but there is no cure for Linsanity, and many are saying Linsane people are in many ways already dead. Protect yourself at all times, and if you have been bitten, isolate yourself immediately. Symptoms of Linsanity include believing the New York Knicks have a shot at winning a championship, trying to think of clever sometimes racist Jeremy Lin puns, and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.
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Record Company Promises Full Exploitation of Dead Celebrity: Whitney Houston
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
This morning it was announced that singer and “actress” Whitney Houston passed away from still undetermined causes. Within minutes of hearing of the death of the 48 year old, executives from her record label quickly booked an emergency meeting to explore all ideas on how to fully exploit the situation for maximum profits. “So far, we are pleased with the results….I mean, devastated by what happened. We have heard the body has cooled considerably, making her come back less likely….er, I mean, we are saddened to hear,” stated one record company employee. Already, editors have begun pasting together a shoddy, full length, 3D Imax concert/biography movie. Work has also started on assembling a CD box set of all her music, including many “lost” tapes and “never heard before” tracks that have mysteriously popped up out of nowhere. And several reworked and remastered editions of “The Bodyguard” are being prepared, with extra footage, hilarious outtakes and an intimate concert experience with Kevin Costner.
As funeral arrangements are being made, the Jackson family is reportedly trying to figure out how they can capitalize on the event. Tito has written a song which the family is calling, “The greatest anthem to Whitney ever written.” Rumours are for a planned wardrobe malfunction to bring further attention to the family whose spokesperson stated, “Any press is good press, right?” As well, civil rights icon, Jesse Jackson is writing his speech in which he is set to talk about how inspirational he was to her. Al Sharpton is also expected to attend and ramble on about something. As well, reports are that an illegitimate daughter has been found in Texas who is being groomed to make a “tear jerking” speech that is “sure to bring the house down.” Already, the Westboro Baptist Church has made plans to picket the wedding saying that, “She once knew someone who was gay and didn’t chastise them properly enough about it, and this is why she died! God hates gays and people who aren’t assholes to them!”
Tabloids have begun to seek out photos of the death scene and any embarrassing or stunning facts surrounding the death for print as soon as physically possible. If anyone, from anywhere on the planet, has any idea whatsoever of what may or may have not happened to Whitney in her final “dramatic minutes” before her death, they are being advised not to contact police, but to contact local tabloid offices.
De La Chris Hearn
snfu73@yahoo.com
Ron Paul Declared Winner of Not Winning
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
With 99% of the votes counted Ron Paul is being named the clear winner of not winning a primary despite having tried really really hard and having a strong Facebook following. Balloons and confetti are already falling at the Paul headquarters in the party hall of the airport Marriott. “I’m very proud and thankful for today. I couldn’t have done it if there were more of you,” were the opening words from the humble congressman. “We will go on to lose Arizona! and Michigan! and Massachusetts!”
The other candidates are far from stunned at how much more they appear to be winning when compared to the struggling Paul. Mitt Romney was candid with reporters from GNN, “yes he has a strong internet following, but the internet is for people who don’t really go out and do things, like vote. It makes all the sense in the world.” Senator Santorum could not be reached for comment because he was presumably “out doing something creepy,” according to people who heard about the fetus story.
With Super Tuesday approaching public eyes are on Ron Paul awaiting to see what he will do to raise his status in popular culture yet still not win. “Maybe he’ll do another episode of The Daily Show,” was the sentiment of someone who listens to way too much Radiohead. “Or maybe not.”
Cookie Monster Wins Texas, GOP Race Wide Open
DALLAS, TX (USA)
The Texas primary was considered to be an important one and the results came in early at around 10pm. With the Cookie Monster’s decisive ten point win over Mitt Romney, the GOP race has been widened yet again. “It’s anyone’s game,” a voter had to say. When asked what was it about the Cookie Monster that made him a viable candidate the response was simple, his strong anti-abortion, pro-cookie stance. “You just don’t see that from the other candidates.”
The Cookie Monster spoke at a press conference at 10:30pm graciously thanking his supporters and stating that he will continue to all fifty states. Although charismatic and experienced, some are worried that the Cookie Monster’s troubled past might come back to haunt him.
The Monster’s humble roots began on Sesame Street, an impoverished community located in Brooklyn, New York. He was tried and found not guilty in 1998 for the murder of local junkie, Snuffaluffagus. If his momentum continues he would be the first African American GOP candidate and only the second in the countries history to run in the general election.
New Poll Shows Minorities Love Unprotected Sex and Not Voting
JACKSON HEIGHTS, QUEENS, NY (USA)
The Jackson Heights Institute of Technology released a new study this morning shedding further light on the culture of minorities. “They’re very interesting and unique people,” project leader Nathan Bitters began, “much like the Italians they enjoy unprotected sex however they show a strong hostility towards voting.”
Bitters spent two years living amongst the minorities and over that course of time was accepted into their community. “After two months they offered me my first empanada and by year’s end I was integrated into their grooming circle.” Bitters still maintains his cornrows weeks after the study concluded.
When asked why they like sex without condoms, local minority leader Javier Gonzalez explained. “They take away all the feeling.” On the subject of the electoral process there are only theories. The strongest being that minorities tend to come from places where democracy is unreliable or non existent. Similar theories are that minorities can’t vote due to a combination of felony convictions and being in the country illegally.
The Jewish community did not show any of the same characteristics and therefor cannot technically be labeled a minority. The institute created the new niche group, “people no one really likes but don’t talk about it because of the holocaust.”
Eli Manning Asks Tebow to Borrow Jesus for Superbowl
INDIANAPOLIS, IN (USA)
Just hours before Superbowl XLVI, NFL insiders are reporting that Eli Manning isn’t leaving anything to chance in his second Superbowl facing arguably the best Quarterback of all time, Tom Brady. Manning has reportedly reached out to Bronco’s Quarterback Tim Tebow, and has asked if he could borrow Jesus Christ for a day, who helped Tim Tebow win multiple games during the season.
“I didn’t quite understand what he was asking me,” said Tebow. “I mean was he asking me to pray for him? To be honest with you, Eli is kind of hard to understand when he gets excited. I mean, there are a few things that Jesus COULD do for him I guess, like maybe turn all of the Patriots Gatorade to wine so they get drunk and can’t play, or maybe convince The Church that marrying a supermodel is a sin so they stone Tom Brady to Death? Either way, I’m not even sure if the J-man is a G-men fan…”
When asked for comment, Eli Manning was quoted as saying “My brother Payton got me a coloring book!!!! I colored everything blue, because that’s what the G in G-men stands for…BLUE!” Eli then put on his Giants helmet and said “This is my TV helmet!!! I like it better than my at home helmet!!!”
McDonald’s Announces End to Shitting in Their Food
OAK BROOK, IL (USA)
As of early this morning McDonald’s representative John Grammer announced that the CEO’s shit would no longer be used as an active ingredient in the process of making their famed hamburgers.
“Times are changing and it has become no longer reasonable for us to continue including rich people’s processed shit in your food.” Grammer continued, “health concerns of our patrons is a major factor for the change however we give you the McDonald’s guarantee that the food will continue to taste as shitty as ever.”
Public outcry was immediate and is not expected to go away. Jeffery Wolfe, patron of the chain restaurant for over 30 years explained the reasoning behind the backlash. “If we wanted to eat something that didn’t taste like shit we wouldn’t have been going to Mickey D’s in the first place. Now, the food will be like everywhere else, just not as good.” Wolfe is unmarried and runs a WWE fanclub out of his local community center.
Although initial reaction to the change was negative McDonald’s spokespeople reassured stockholders that with time public opinion will grow. “When something costs a dollar, people tend to eat whatever is given to them,” were the closing statements at this mornings assembly. When asked how the black community will react to no longer being served shit to eat, John Grammer was positive, “they still get plenty of it to smoke.”
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Snake Plissken Found Dead in Detroit at Age 60
DETROIT, MI (USA)
Snake Plissken (age 60) was sentenced to life in a horrible city following an arrest last July for possession of illegally downloaded mp3′s. With a record of having already escaped New York and Los Angeles, presiding Judge William O’Gavin sentenced the repeat offender to Detroit for a duration of until he could find a job. The life sentence drew immediate criticism and protest from other people who didn’t have jobs but came from families where they didn’t really need them.
It is believed Mr. Plissken died as a result of gunshot wounds during an alleged car jacking while attempting to escape the city. Friends and Family rememberd the cult hero at a closed casket ceremony earlier this morning. “He was so close to getting out,” read teary eyed Aaron Plissken as he eulogized his brother.
Conspiracy theorists are already clamoring at the inconsistencies of the story. Mr. Plissken was found dead at the center of a notoriously dangerous neighborhood, hundreds of miles from the border. This is leading people to suspect that he was not escaping but in fact purchasing crack cocaine, which he had been addicted to since 2001 after witnessing his performance in 3000 Miles to Graceland.
Woman With Two Black Eyes “Still Doesn’t Get It”
FORT WORTH, TX (USA)
Police are reporting that 32 year old Janet Elks of Fort Worth, Texas “still doesn’t get it” despite receiving two black eyes from live-in boyfriend Derek Tomlas. “The ketchup goes on before the lettuce,” explained Tomlas, “otherwise it’s just not a sandwich.”
Miss Elks was questioned following the altercation and according to testimony still does not understand that what she prepared for Mr. Tomlas on the evening of January 30th was not a sandwich. “It had ham, cheese, the works,” she pleaded. Sandwich statutes differ from county to county however head investigating officer Charles DuPont believes Tomlas had the full right to use any and all necessary force in defending his dinner practices.
This is the fourth domestic dispute case in the area in only four weeks bringing community concern to a peak. “It’s one thing to see it on TV while on your front lawn, it’s another to see it on your front lawn,” was the sentiment of local residents.
Academy Thinks Academy Did Great Job Picking Academy Award Nominees
HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released it’s nominees list this week and despite public backlash, the Academy thinks, frankly, it did a great job. “I don’t think we snubbed anyone,” said chair of public relations for the group, Marvin Levy. “The board picked everything correctly, nearest I can tell.” Levy added this is the 84th year in a row the Academy has been perfect in picking nominees.
Public outcry for actors Ryan Gosling, Patton Oswalt, Tilda Swinton, and films Bridesmaids, 50/50 and The Adventures of Tintin has fallen on deaf ears at the Academy. “Did you see Gosling in Drive?” said Actors Branch chair Annette Bening. “He just walked around. He said fifty words the whole movie. If anything, Mr. And Mrs. Gosling deserve the nod for creating that perfect jawline.”
A campaign started for motion capture actor Andy Serkis to get a supporting actor nomination for his role in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. “Seriously? The guy who played Gollum?,” said Bening. “He doesn’t even have to yell to the heavens as rain comes down on his face or fall down on the floor of his lonely apartment in a heap or use an accent not his own or put on heavy make-up to make him ugly. No chance.”
The film Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close has drawn the most ire from media outlets, but Writers Branch chair Frank Pierson has a simple answer. “If you think we’re dumb enough to leave a film about 9/11 where Tom Hanks dies off this list, you’re crazy. No matter how sappy or vapid it is.” Pierson said after the Academy saw a rough cut of the trailer for Close, they knew it would be getting a nod. “My wife cried during the trailer, and that was enough for us.”
Once the Academy learned the film The Artist was about the silent film era and featured French actors, it was also given a nomination.
Jason Cook
@Jason_M_Cook
Ostap Bender
The Editor
robdcomedy
