New Study Shows Obesity Linked to Marijuana Use
ST. LOUIS, MI (USA)
A recent study found a direct link between stronger strains of marijuana and the increase in obesity rates. The study found that marijuana potency has increased 70% over the last decade — the exact same percentage as the growth in girth among Americans: “Coincidence, we think not,” a spokesman for the study said. Lead researcher, Dr. Mary Jane Blunt first explained that her name was a coincidence and then stated that researchers could not definitively say whether the marijuana caused people to eat more or if memory losses made them forget they had just eaten. “Either way, we believe this study proves marijuana puts the pot in pot belly.” It issued this warning, “The combination of smoking dope and living near a buffet can cause an increased risk of heart disease, diabetes and the inability to fit into one’s pants.” In a related story, Visine® announced its sales have increased 70% over the last decade.
Paul Lander is a Writer/Prod and Consultant/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
Boys with Boobs Attain Learning Disability Status
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
A study in the “New England Journal of Medicine” found that certain shampoos, soaps and lotions containing lavender and tea tree oils can cause boys to develop breasts. In a follow up survey to shed light on the affects of Journal of Medicine study the following was reported:
75% of those boys who grew breasts had lower grades … apparently they spent less time studying and more time feeling themselves up.
37% had trouble seeing if their shoelaces were tied or untied.
2% claimed to have won a wet t-shirt contest
22% had told somebody at least once, “you know I have eyes, too!”
27% reported that after getting themselves drunk, they then went to “second base” with themselves.
Scientists warned these finding were based on too small a sample to be considered factual.
Paul Lander is a Writer/Prod and Consultant/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
Native American Sports Mascots to Open Indian Casino
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Today in a historic meeting between NFL, MLB, NBA, and collegiate sporting officials, Native American Sports Mascots have been given permission to acquire income through the opening of Indian Casinos that will be placed in select sporting arenas. This decision comes at the tail end of a decision by North Dakota residents to retire the University of North Dakota’s Fighting Sioux mascot and iconography. Sporting officials from every major sport from the high school level to the professional fear that the North Dakota vote would begin a wave of political correctness that could force all teams using Native American Iconography to eventually retire their mascots. “I was a part of this football program in college, and 20 years later I’m coaching the team,” said Erwin Chester, coach of North Iowa Smallpox Blankets, “Smallpox has been in my blood for over 20 years!” As a compromise, The Native American Sports Mascots formally agreed to allow the usage of Indian Iconography if they were allowed to open Indian Casinos in all major sporting arenas featuring a Native American Mascot.
Sporting officials have also been authorized by the Mascots to un-retire previously retired mascots, such as the St. John’s “Redmen,” Alabama’s former mascot “Chief Firewater,” and North Texas’ “Heathen Savages who need to find Christ.” This decision was met with a mixed reaction from fans, as well as other non-Indian mascots. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot tweeted, “I’m surprised they agreed to give them so many Casinos’, don’t they know they traded Manhattan for a couple of beads?!” Reports say that the first Casino will be opening in Cleveland at Progressive Field, home of the Cleveland Indians, and the entire Casino will be made completely out of buffalo parts.
Casey Anthony And Nancy Grace To Meet In Steel Cage Match
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
The WWE announced a No Holds Barred Steel Cage Match between Casey “The Duct Tape Kid” Anthony and Nancy “I Can’t Shut The F#$K Up” Grace. After over a year of fighting words thrown by the Head Line News Anchor, Casey Anthony said she’s had enough: “I’m not saying I’m a killer but if I was going to use duct tape, I’d shut up that Nancy Grace.” Grace immediately responded: “The fight is on. You see the size of my teeth. Let me tell you, my bite is worse than my snark.” Grace added while entering the ring she will blare either the soundtrack from Jaws or Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” In Anthony’s corner will be her legal team. Causing Grace to snicker: “In the ring I’m the judge and jury. Just as it should be in real life.” The WWE expects this pay per view event to be attended by many celebrities. One, Kim Kardashian who tweeted she was shocked by the verdict will be rooting for Grace. Team Anthony responded: “Great, a legal opinion from someone who might have gotten brain damage when they x-rayed her ass….”
The WWE, also, announced on the same card will be The OctoMom and kids squaring off against Jon and Kate Plus Eight in the “Rumble In The Jungle Gym.”
Two People Enter, No One Leaves Alive….
Paul Lander is a Writer/Prod and Consultant/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
The Onion Breaks Romney Slave Trade Story, Liberals Vindicated
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Famed satire periodical The Onion broke news early this morning of a scandel involving presidential candidate Mitt Romney and at least 32 Filipino sex slaves. Although facts are still coming in it is believed that the GOP candidate was trafficking human livestock for sex, house and gardening. Although none of the news can be considered valid considering it sourced from a satire periodical, MSNBC is declaring the liberal movement as vindicated. “As we all know there is at least some truth in satire,” recently fired from his own station Keith Olbermann declared. “Just because it’s a blatant fabrication doesn’t mean it’s not true!”
Former Political Science majors are celebrating all across the country. Jennifer Finkelstein delve further into what she claimed to be the Republican Agenda. “This is also factual evidence that religion is bad. Marijuana is illegal but Romney can fictitiously have 32 wives?” GNN is scheduled to conduct a follow up interview with Ms. Finkelstein once she has to begin paying taxes.
Warner Bros. Announces Reboot, Harvey Fierstein to Play Batman
HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Christain Bale and now… Harvey Fierstein. It was announced today the gravely voiced actor would don cape and cowl in “Batman 7: The Dark Knight Comes Out of the Closet.”
Fierstein will also write the script based on his original idea. When asked how he came up with idea, Fierstein related, “this relative said ‘if being gay is so cool, why isn’t there a gay super hero?’ And I’m like ‘what do you call Batman?’ A guy in his late thirties, not married, wears spandex to work… has an older man who takes care of him… won’t be seen without his special belt. We’re talking gaaaaaaay!”
Fierstein then added, “Don’t get me started about Robin. Y’all know what Robin’s short for? Robin The Cradle!”
A spokesman reported that billboards will go up soon announcing, “Batman, Coming Out This Summer!”
Paul Lander is a Writer/Prod and Consultant/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
Republican Party to Change Its Name to The Xfinity Party
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Leading GOP members have announced the rebirth of the Republican Party, stating that the party as a whole will be dropping the label “Republican” and adopting the new/hip term Xfinity. Leading political analysts believe the switch is a direct result of low rated customer service dating back to the 2000 election, which has resulted in a decade of The Republican Party polled one of the top two hated political parties in America. Shortly after the 2008 election, many prominent conservative personalities like Glenn Beck tried switching to parties with similar small government ideologies, such as The Tea Party and The Libertarian Party. However these attempts were largely unsuccessful, as Beck would later say “a rose by another other name would still Hitler the Nine Eleven Fascist Socialism.”
Analysts are unsure how this recent attempt at re-branding the party will work however, as it seems that all of the services offered by the new Xfinity Party will be exactly the same. “I don’t really see how changing their name to Xfinity is going to change anything. It’s not like everyone is going to suddenly forget their customer service was terrible, and that they pretend they will save you money but end up jacking up you’re rates when they start a war a year after you sign up. Plus, I really don’t like how they insist on bundle their anti-abortion services together with their small government package. ” The change is being planned almost immediately, and Mitt Romney is expected to back the new change at this year’s Xfinity National Convention in Tampa Florida, accepting the party’s nomination while dressed as one of the “X-men.”
The Editor
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