Academy Thinks Academy Did Great Job Picking Academy Award Nominees
HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released it’s nominees list this week and despite public backlash, the Academy thinks, frankly, it did a great job. “I don’t think we snubbed anyone,” said chair of public relations for the group, Marvin Levy. “The board picked everything correctly, nearest I can tell.” Levy added this is the 84th year in a row the Academy has been perfect in picking nominees.
Public outcry for actors Ryan Gosling, Patton Oswalt, Tilda Swinton, and films Bridesmaids, 50/50 and The Adventures of Tintin has fallen on deaf ears at the Academy. “Did you see Gosling in Drive?” said Actors Branch chair Annette Bening. “He just walked around. He said fifty words the whole movie. If anything, Mr. And Mrs. Gosling deserve the nod for creating that perfect jawline.”
A campaign started for motion capture actor Andy Serkis to get a supporting actor nomination for his role in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. “Seriously? The guy who played Gollum?,” said Bening. “He doesn’t even have to yell to the heavens as rain comes down on his face or fall down on the floor of his lonely apartment in a heap or use an accent not his own or put on heavy make-up to make him ugly. No chance.”
The film Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close has drawn the most ire from media outlets, but Writers Branch chair Frank Pierson has a simple answer. “If you think we’re dumb enough to leave a film about 9/11 where Tom Hanks dies off this list, you’re crazy. No matter how sappy or vapid it is.” Pierson said after the Academy saw a rough cut of the trailer for Close, they knew it would be getting a nod. “My wife cried during the trailer, and that was enough for us.”
Once the Academy learned the film The Artist was about the silent film era and featured French actors, it was also given a nomination.
Jason Cook
@Jason_M_Cook
Startling Trend: Number of Nickelback Assassination Attempts at an All Time Low
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Parents and lawmakers are stunned as startling new statistical findings are being released reporting that Nickelback related assassination attempts are at an all time low. Since the deaths of Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il in 2011, Nickelback is now listed as a top threat to American freedom. Nickelback, a Canadian formed terrorist cell, is attributed as being one of the few terrorist organizations that has successfully integrated itself as a household name in American pop culture, and therefore is one of the top threats in establishing sympathy towards terrorist cells, or worse, converting American citizens to their extremist ways.
This morning, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton addressed the nation. “America has come a long way in the face of pop-evil, however the war is not yet won. America has triumphed and persevered, but it is not yet time to let our guard down and leave ourselves open to attack by top 40 radio stations. It was only months ago on Thanksgiving that Nickelback attacked Detroit, and left millions of Detroit Lions Fans horrified at half-time. We cannot allow them the opportunity to strike again!”
Secretary of State Clinton didn’t go as far as to encourage violence against the band, but did encourage American’s not to listen to Nickelback, claiming it could validate their power chords and meaningless lyrics. The CIA has come forward to say they have information that Nickelback could be teaming up with other known terrorism supporters such as Iran and/or the MTV Video Music Awards.
Japanese Production Company Fined for Unblurred Genitals in Tentacle Pornography
TOKYO, JAPAN
Red Hot Rising Sun Productions has been fined over a million yen following the distribution of an uncensured pornographic DVD. The title in question was 20,000 Leagues Under the Erotic Sea, a feature in their tentacle line of fetish films. In the movie several young females are attacked by sea creatures while aboard a boarding school cruise liner. They are repeatedly sodomized by the tentacles of an octopus while being doused in a combination of apple juice and honey. Controversy arose when for several seconds a grown man’s erect penis makes an appearance halfway into the movie. According to Japanese law any and all genitals must be blurred out before public distribution.
“We are not a nation that believes in the perversion of our morals,” state official Akira Tanaka explained, “it may be considered old fashioned by western standards but certain things are best left for the imagination.” The production company’s public relations department released a statement this morning, “in over ten thousand tentacle porn productions this was the first case of a visible penis. Clearly the result of negligence with no intent of malice. We apologize and plan to pay the fine accordingly.”
The public is outraged and is demanding even stricter regulation over the adult film industry. “Accidents like this should not happen,” a local adult film enthusiast had to say. He continued to explain that the inclusion of an erect penis in the tentacle and apple juice pornography left him nauseated and distressed. He was undecided when asked if there were plans to seek legal counsel.
A Groupon for Abortions Stirs Controversy
CHICAGO, IL (USA)
The Chicago based company, Groupon, has expanded it’s offering of deals at a record pace. But their move into women’s health has surprised many who have followed their growth over the past couple of years. Yesterday, Groupon offered a national deal for Planned Parenthood. This Groupon for $100.00 got the purchaser one abortion. A steep discount from the normal rate of $600.00.
Margerat Bannister with the Family Council of America, a pro-life organization based out of Somewhere, Oklahoma, called this deal, “A technological holocaust.” Adding, “What’s next? A Groupon for books on evolution.” Planned Parenthood’s Elizabeth Simon responded by saying, “With cuts to our funding from the federal government we had to find new ways to raise revenue. Groupon’s clientele consists of reckless and slutty women ages 18-35 who make up a large portion of the people who use our services. This is also a great way to reach out to those who might have not heard of us or thought abortions were only for the Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan types. We encouraged many people to buy multiple Groupons since they don’t expire for 5 years and make a great stocking stuffer.”
Within two hours, 50,000 Groupons for abortions had been sold. Setting a new record previously held by The Gap. Tanya Murison of Miami Florida thought it was a great deal, saying, “Deals like this are exactly why I use Groupon.” When Mrs. Duggar, from TLC’s 18 Kids and Counting heard about this from her church group she called to tell me, “I’m really upset that a company would, hold on a second. Joseph and Joel! Don’t put Jebidah in the Oven! Jacob! Take that plastic bag off your…”
From a business perspective Planned Parenthood took a risk but it seems to have paid off. Goldman Sachs Junior Analyst Raji Averdati who has been following the company very closely in anticipation of a public offering called the move, “Interesting and the natural evolution of a company who seems keen on staying on the cutting edge of group coupons. This is a great way to get someone in for an abortion and then upsell them a test for Chlymadia” Adding, “This was a shrewd move by Groupon and Planned Parenthood to come together and offer abortions at clearance prices. The deal is amazing. If you’re on the fence about getting one I don’t see how this Groupon doesn’t push you into their clinics. This will do more to increase the abortion rates than 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom could ever dream of.”
Living Social, Groupon’s main competitor had no comment on the issue.
Joe Benjamin
JoeBenjamin1238@gmail.com
Brady to Tebow, “Look at My Wife, I’ve Been Praying Too.”
BOSTON, MA (USA)
Tensions are running high as fans await this Sunday’s competition as to who God loves more. Local sports analyst and part time bookie Father Charles O’Hannagan believes Tom Brady of the New England Patriots has the clear edge based on his three Superbowl rings and list of beautiful women. “Tebow is clearly on the favorite list as well,” Father O’Hannagan added, “if your competition having sickle cell isn’t God showing you his love, I don’t know what is.” Broncos head coach John Fox also weighted in on the debate, “Timmy prays really hard, no doubt about that. Brady however prays more efficiently. It’s going to be a good game.”
This football season also marked the passing of famed owner Al Davis. Known for his dedication, work ethic, and instinct for the game the loss marks a turning point for the entire league. He was however Jewish disqualifying the Oakland Raiders from the competition as a team altogether. “It’s not that God hates Jews,” Raiders Quarterback Carson Palmer explained, “it’s just that he doesn’t love them.” When asked to elaborate he explained that, “God would send the Jews a Christmas card but if they got into a crippling car accident he wouldn’t change their catheter.”
Both teams have already begun preparing for the game on Sunday, attending both morning and mid-day mass. The outcome does not only determine who moves forward in the playoffs, or what team had a more successful season but something far greater than even the game itself; what bumper stickers christians will be purchasing on Ebay this upcoming summer.
Lonely Female Posts Pictures of Pet Dog in Sunglasses
NEW YORK, NY (USA)
As of 6:45 in the PM it is being reported that a Brooklyn resident has posted several pictures of her pet yorkie wearing what appear to be Ray Ban sunglasses. Linda McKenzie defended her actions, “he was just so cute, I had to. Pink Floyd is the best dog ever!” Authorities led Ms. McKenzie out of her second floor apartment in handcuffs freeing her friends from yet another evening of having to listen to how “men suck.” McKenzie has already hit on several officers and an inmate but no dates have been scheduled.
This story follows a string of others in what is beginning to be referred to as an epidemic. Overpaid psycho analyst Jonathan Taub attempted to explain this phenomenon, “puppies are in fact very cute, they also weight very similar to a baby. Much like the baby that these women feel no man would ever want to have with them.”
In related news the price of happy hour cocktails is expected to almost double as men are notorious for being able to smell even as little as a drop of desperation in two square miles of open water. Warning signs for women are being listed as protruding fins, thrashing in the water, and compliments.
Romney Poised to Win G.O.P. Nomination, Darth Vader Rumored as Potential Running Mate
CONCORD, NH (USA)
G.O.P. hopeful Mitt Romney has scored two huge victories in the first two contests of the GOP primary. As many political analysts project Romney to compete for the Presidential seat against current President Barack Obama, political analysts have begun trying to predict who Romney will choose as his running mate to hold that potential Vice President seat. Early projections have shown that the top contender could actually be a cross party partnership between the G.O.P. and the Empire Party, teaming with long time Empire Party favorite Darth Vader.
The partnership between the two parties to take down Democratic powerhouse Barack Obama is a surprise to some, as the two parties have more differences than they do similarities. For example Romney has been accused of having socialist policies in the past. His healthcare initiatives, or “Romney Care” has been compared to Barack Obama’s (or “Obama Care”), so some would find it curious that he would team up with Vader, whose policies to crush the rebellion have often been called “Big Government” and “Socialist.”
If anything, the only common denominator between the two candidates, besides being extremely photogenic, are their deep rooted religious backgrounds. They have a history of being pro life, but support the Death Penalty (Vader once destroyed an entire planet). Many however have thought that Vader’s extreme religious views have been a detriment to the effectiveness of his policies. One critic was quoted as saying, “Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels’ hidden fortress.”
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino Turns 45
MANALAPAN TOWNSHIP, NJ (USA)
The staff at GNN would like to wish Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who turns 45 today a happy and healthy birthday. Mr. Sorrentino gained fame several years ago after surviving what should have been a fatal gunshot wound to the head, destroying critical amounts of brain tissue. At the time doctors gave the New Jersey resident only hours to live and are as surprised and happy as everyone that Sorrentino not only celebrated another birthday but has almost entirely regained back his motor skills. “We’re certain he’ll make a full recovery,” was the sentiment of the Sorrentino household.
In similar news, Pauly D (pictured below) plans to celebrate his upcoming birthday next month performing at Mansion located in the heart of Miami, Florida. GNN will be standing by with congratulations and the appropriate number of candles.
Rick Santorum Credits Iowa Surge to Hiring Disney Propaganda Machine
DES MOINES, IA (USA)
Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum got 25 percent of the ballots cast in the Iowa caucuses, a strong surge in his presidential bid for the G.O.P. nomination Tuesday. Initial impressions were that there was a mix up in the voting, where results were instead based off the quantity of Google searches for each candidate as opposed to actual Iowa voting; however that rumor was dispelled early Wednesday morning. As it turns out, Rick Santorum credits his surge in the polls to hiring infamous Walt Disney Propaganda Machine, which gained notoriety during World War II making anti Nazi Propaganda.
Disney, which produced many shorts during WWII, promoted citizenship and created animations portraying the Axis as a violent enemy. Just under 70 years later, Santorum has hired Disney to produce shorts for the Santorum Campaign. Some of their more popular shorts have included “Vote Santorum, He’s Not a Jew,” and “Since corporations are people, Google is an Asshole.”
Disney and Santorum have received some criticism from the Liberal Media however; as they feel many of the ads have an anti-Semitic and anti-Gay undertones. One ad in particular called “Voting Democrat means The Gays Win,” had many in the gay community upset. However curiously the gay community was less upset about the fact the ad had been made, as Republicans gay bashing has become a bit of a standard practice. They were more that Donald Duck was the character chosen to portray Homosexuals in the short, because “Sailor Suits are soooo tacky.”
The Editor
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