Travolta and Cruise Headline New Blockbuster: Two Actors, One Cup
HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
After years of the audience being forced to swallow mediocre story lines and CGI’ed heterosexuality, payback is on the horizon as Hollywood mainstays John Travolta and Tom Cruise sign on to literally eat shit. “We’re both very excited and can’t wait for the public to finally see us like they’ve wanted to for years,” Travolta said in an interview on Live with Kelly this morning. Tom Cruise, making several radio appearances in the Los Angeles area was equally enthusiastic, “we don’t often get the respect of say Robert De Niro or Al Pacino but after this picture, they’ll know we’re method actors too.”
Terrence Malick is slated to helm the project as he is already notoriously known for filming two hours of nonsense that receives universal praise from grown men who attend wine tastings. The script is being described as a coming of age story about two men from different backgrounds who come together to learn how to be better and more responsible adults and eat shit from a cup. Rounding off the cast is Lindsay Lohan and it is expected to be her breakout comeback role, if they can find a cup big enough to hold her that is. Expect big box office numbers come Summer 2013.
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New Protest Group Forms to Protest NATO Protesters
CHICAGO, IL (USA)
A new protest group has developed in downtown Chicago seeking to protest the current activities of those protesting this weekend’s NATO summit. “I hate protesters,” says Make Radcliff, who traveled here from Portland, Oregon to take a stand against the NATO protesters. “They tie up traffic and make fools of themselves at the expense of civilized society. I’m going to stand here in the street with my face painted yellow until they stop it.”
This new group, known as Students Against Protesting Students (SAPS), has sought to bring attention to the growing danger of protestors. Steve Charles, founder of the group brushes off criticism of the SAPS.
“A lot of people have been critical of us SAPS because they say our motive is ambiguous. But if being ambiguous is what it takes to grab attention to our cause, then we will or will not, to some sort of degree, be somewhat ambiguous, I think.
When confronted with the argument that NATO protesters are simply exercising their first amendment right of free speech, Charles countered that the SAPS have the same right. “I have the same right to argue that the protesters have no right to speak. In fact, I think freedom of speech is destroying America, and I’m going make sure everyone knows it–even if I might offend some people who don’t like hearing that.”
The organization has also been criticized for being fragmented and not unified in its goals. In fact, certain members of SAPS that are against fractionalization within the group, plan to break off into a separate group, focusing instead on protesting the existence of splinter groups.
Bob Eichelberg
bobeichelberg@gmail.com
Swiss Army To Add Roach Clip To Knife
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND
For the first time in over 100 years Victorinox, the Swiss Army knife company, is adding a new feature to its famed knife – a roach clip. The idea to add the marijuana joint extension helper came during a convention for retired Swiss Army officers in Amsterdam. When it became apparent a corkscrew or scissors would not extend the life of a marijuana cigarette, one former Swiss Officer was heard to say, “Frankly, we’d rather toke than fight… Why not do something to show it?” The new Swiss Army Knife can be bought online at swissarmy.com/roachclipsrus/product. The company also announced plans for next year’s convention to be held in Cali, Columbia. The spokesman issued a statement as to whether that trip might result in a cocaine spoon being the next added accessory but spoke too fast for anyone to understand the answer.
By Paul Lander
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
NY Knicks to Represent Yemen in 2012 Olympics
SANA’A, YEMEN
The Yemenis basketball team, slated to make its first Olympic appearance in London this summer, suffered a tragic setback this week when the entire starting roster was put on trial for political dissidence. Forced to choose between forfeit and finding an equally talented roster of replacements the final solution came down to the New York Knickerbockers basketball club. “We are very proud of our new team, we have very high expectations,” Yemenis President Abd Rabbuh Mansur Al-Hadi had to say, “we’re certain they will show up!” These expectations were met this morning at 9am local time when the New York club did in fact show up. “It can only be up from here,” the President continued.
When questioned on the teams chances of success coach Mike Woodson, following a five year extension by the Knicks organization, was brief, “I certainly hope not. The more games we win the longer I have to work.” Referring of course to the Knicks retirement package enjoyed by so many coaches before him.
Jeremy Lin is expected start.
America Shocked to Discover First African American President Sensitive to Civil Rights Issues
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Today President Barack Obama voiced his displeasure with the citizens of North Carolina, who voted to ban same sex marriage on Tuesday. Pro Gay Marriage groups had pushed forth a strong initiative to win over citizens in North Carolina, including sponsoring a hot pink car in NASCAR covered in glitter. Despite those efforts, the ban was still passed by a majority vote. Barack Obama is quoted as saying “…I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” This comes as grown breaking news to many Americas who never suspected that the first black president of the United States was sensitive to civil rights issues.
“It’s a disappointing position for him to take” says Stewart Cromley, Senior Conservative Political Analyst, “because we would have hoped that Barack Obama would have backed the teachings of The Bible, especially when it came to gay marriage. Because you know…Christians invented marriage. Also, The Bible is actually a very pro Civil Rights book…except the stuff about handicap people, and approving slavery, and really any mention of women. Just don’t read the Old Testament, that’s all The Jews fault anyway…”
Social Network activity has exploded Wednesday afternoon with topics like “GayOK, MarriageEquality, and ThankYouMrPresident.” Other topics were found such as “GAYNOTOK, IMNOTGAY, and STOPCALLING ME GAY,” but they were all traced back to a mysterious twitter account with the username @NotRickSantorum
MGM Announces Star Trek vs. Rocky: The Wrath of Arthritis
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
In the tradition of Godzilla versus King Kong, the teaming of two giant film franchises was announced today in what the studio hopes will be the next big blockbuster – “Star Trek vs. Rocky: The Wrath of Arthritis.” Although script details remain hush-hush, a source reports it all begins when Captain Kirk and crew pay a visit to Rocky’s Philadelphia, only to get into legal trouble when they forget to shut off the turn signal light on the Star Ship Enterprise. Rocky takes offense to this “dissing” of his hometown and the ensuing drama culminates with Rocky, despite hip replacement surgery, making his way, one last time, up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum. Reports indicate that multiple corporate sponsors have signed lucrative product placement deals. In fact, a spokesman for Pfizer announced that its popular ED drug Viagra would play a prominent role in the film. “Let’s just say,” the spokesman said, “The term ‘beam Me Up, Scotty’ will take on all kinds of new meaning.”
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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Madonna: Like A Virgin or Is A Virgin
TULSA, OK (USA)
In what was described as the Miracle at Marie Calendars after a waitress’s narcoleptic fit caused a major Boysenberry Pie stain to occur on one of the restaurant’s walls. Immediately, customers began debating whether it looked like the Madonna, Jesus’ mother, or Madonna, the pop icon. Within hours competing interests had surrounded the establishment. One local clergyman said, “I don’t know whether to pray to it or give it an exorcism.” By day three, religious pilgrims and fans of the “Material Girl” had to be separated: One group chanting “Like a Virgin!” The other,” Is a Virgin!” The incident was resolved when an unknown person commented, “I think it looks like Kevin Federline.” Numerous protestors remarked “who?” But, upon being told, “The one who was married to Brittany Spears,” agreement was reached. The Kevin Federline Fan Club tried to protest the wall’s cleaning, but those two people got tired and went home.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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