GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)

After years of the audience being forced to swallow mediocre story lines and CGI’ed heterosexuality, payback is on the horizon as Hollywood mainstays John Travolta and Tom Cruise sign on to literally eat shit. “We’re both very excited and can’t wait for the public to finally see us like they’ve wanted to for years,” Travolta said in an interview on Live with Kelly this morning. Tom Cruise, making several radio appearances in the Los Angeles area was equally enthusiastic, “we don’t often get the respect of say Robert De Niro or Al Pacino but after this picture, they’ll know we’re method actors too.”

Terrence Malick is slated to helm the project as he is already notoriously known for filming two hours of nonsense that receives universal praise from grown men who attend wine tastings. The script is being described as a coming of age story about two men from different backgrounds who come together to learn how to be better and more responsible adults and eat shit from a cup. Rounding off the cast is Lindsay Lohan and it is expected to be her breakout comeback role, if they can find a cup big enough to hold her that is. Expect big box office numbers come Summer 2013.

CHICAGO, IL (USA)

A new protest group has developed in downtown Chicago seeking to protest the current activities of those protesting this weekend’s NATO summit. “I hate protesters,” says Make Radcliff, who traveled here from Portland, Oregon to take a stand against the NATO protesters. “They tie up traffic and make fools of themselves at the expense of civilized society. I’m going to stand here in the street with my face painted yellow until they stop it.”

This new group, known as Students Against Protesting Students (SAPS), has sought to bring attention to the growing danger of protestors. Steve Charles, founder of the group brushes off criticism of the SAPS.

“A lot of people have been critical of us SAPS because they say our motive is ambiguous. But if being ambiguous is what it takes to grab attention to our cause, then we will or will not, to some sort of degree, be somewhat ambiguous, I think.

When confronted with the argument that NATO protesters are simply exercising their first amendment right of free speech, Charles countered that the SAPS have the same right. “I have the same right to argue that the protesters have no right to speak. In fact, I think freedom of speech is destroying America, and I’m going make sure everyone knows it–even if I might offend some people who don’t like hearing that.”

The organization has also been criticized for being fragmented and not unified in its goals. In fact, certain members of SAPS that are against fractionalization within the group, plan to break off into a separate group, focusing instead on protesting the existence of splinter groups.

Bob Eichelberg

bobeichelberg@gmail.com

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND

For the first time in over 100 years Victorinox, the Swiss Army knife company, is adding a new feature to its famed knife – a roach clip. The idea to add the marijuana joint extension helper came during a convention for retired Swiss Army officers in Amsterdam. When it became apparent a corkscrew or scissors would not extend the life of a marijuana cigarette, one former Swiss Officer was heard to say, “Frankly, we’d rather toke than fight… Why not do something to show it?” The new Swiss Army Knife can be bought online at swissarmy.com/roachclipsrus/product. The company also announced plans for next year’s convention to be held in Cali, Columbia. The spokesman issued a statement as to whether that trip might result in a cocaine spoon being the next added accessory but spoke too fast for anyone to understand the answer.

By Paul Lander

Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”

SANA’A, YEMEN

The Yemenis basketball team, slated to make its first Olympic appearance in  London this summer, suffered a tragic setback this week when the entire starting roster was put on trial for political dissidence. Forced to choose between forfeit and finding an equally talented roster of replacements the final solution came down to the New York Knickerbockers basketball club. “We are very proud of our new team, we have very high expectations,” Yemenis President Abd Rabbuh Mansur Al-Hadi had to say, “we’re certain they will show up!” These expectations were met this morning at 9am local time when the New York club did in fact show up. “It can only be up from here,” the President continued.

When questioned on the teams chances of success coach Mike Woodson, following a five year extension by the Knicks organization, was brief, “I certainly hope not. The more games we win the longer I have to work.” Referring of course to the Knicks retirement package enjoyed by so many coaches before him.

Jeremy Lin is expected start.

LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

In the tradition of Godzilla versus King Kong, the teaming of two giant film franchises was announced today in what the studio hopes will be the next big blockbuster – “Star Trek vs. Rocky: The Wrath of Arthritis.” Although script details remain hush-hush, a source reports it all begins when Captain Kirk and crew pay a visit to Rocky’s Philadelphia, only to get into legal trouble when they forget to shut off the turn signal light on the Star Ship Enterprise. Rocky takes offense to this “dissing” of his hometown and the ensuing drama culminates with Rocky, despite hip replacement surgery, making his way, one last time, up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum. Reports indicate that multiple corporate sponsors have signed lucrative product placement deals. In fact, a spokesman for Pfizer announced that its popular ED drug Viagra would play a prominent role in the film. “Let’s just say,” the spokesman said, “The term ‘beam Me Up, Scotty’ will take on all kinds of new meaning.”

Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”

TULSA, OK (USA)

In what was described as the Miracle at Marie Calendars after a waitress’s narcoleptic fit caused a major Boysenberry Pie stain to occur on one of the restaurant’s walls. Immediately, customers began debating whether it looked like the Madonna, Jesus’ mother, or Madonna, the pop icon. Within hours competing interests had surrounded the establishment. One local clergyman said, “I don’t know whether to pray to it or give it an exorcism.” By day three, religious pilgrims and fans of the “Material Girl” had to be separated: One group chanting “Like a Virgin!” The other,” Is a Virgin!” The incident was resolved when an unknown person commented, “I think it looks like Kevin Federline.” Numerous protestors remarked “who?” But, upon being told, “The one who was married to Brittany Spears,” agreement was reached. The Kevin Federline Fan Club tried to protest the wall’s cleaning, but those two people got tired and went home.

Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”

LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

Replacing one egomaniac with another, CurrentTV announced fallen Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak will join its TV Line-up in a new show tentatively called “Party Like A Despot.” The show will replace the canceled “Countdown with Keith Olbermann.” Mubarak stated, “I need to lay low while awaiting trial and I’m confident nobody will ever be able to find me on CurrentTV.” CurrentTV promises viewers will learn how to “Party Like Despot” in episodes like “I Just Got A Camel To Confess To War Crimes, Now Let’s Dance,” “Water Boarding: Game Night Winner,” and “Electric Prod: The Ultimate Party Starter.” And, for teenagers, a variation on an old kissing game called “Spin The Dissident.” Mubarak added “Thanks to CurrentTV, I can’t wait to NOT to be seen by billions of people around the globe.”

The show will air on Time/Warner’s Channel 234234, viewers are warned to go directly to the network, channel surfing to find it can cause Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. Olbermann was quoted as saying, “I can only wish Hosni becomes as obscure as I did on CurrentTV. My own mailman recently asked me, ‘Didn’t you used to be that Keith Olberman guy?’” In a related story Bravo Network announced due the fall of Mubarak, Khaddafi, etc., it is scrapping plans for it’s fall series “Real Dictators of the Middle East.”

CLEVELAND, OH (USA)

Following a night of binge drinking and charging excessive amounts of money onto his student credit card, Robert Almont of Cleveland, Ohio has sworn off drinking for life. “I just can’t keep doing this. My head hurts, I want to puke, it’s torture. Drinking is not what it was a few years ago, i’m just never doing this again.” Mr. Almont also promises to begin a steady regiment of jogging, lifting weights, getting an attractive girlfriend, and not being an all around loser anymore.

The FDA is warning Americans to look out for the following signs of a hangover including but not limited to nausea, headaches, sensitivity to light, and waking up next to a someone far fatter than yourself, unless of course the female is black and you are a skinny white male in which case you are then suffering from a case of living a stereotype.

XI’AN, CHINA

For the first time since the Great Smile of 1974 a Chinese citizen has defied government regulation and exhibited what western cultures refer to as emotions. “He frowned however rumors are already circulating that there was a tear,” reported GNN field correspondent Neil Thisdale. “Although it is not known at this time if there will be judicial action against the individual however what is certain is that he will probably be slaughtered in a prison camp that America doesn’t know about because China is in fact secretive Communist government.”

Xing Chen Li, or Howie as he is known by his friends, began to show signs of remorse after his first shift working at a local pig farm. Never having experienced death Howie was overcome by emotion at the site of a butcher skinning an infant pig. His own slaughter is expected to occur at the same farm and most likely by the same butcher.

LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

The American Diabetes Society released a study showing a direct link between listening to Barry Manilow songs and diabetes. Scientists played the song “Mandy” over and over again to one group of lab rats, fed another group only “Coco Puffs” cereal and used a control group to perform the study. The rats that were forced to listen to Manilow 24/7 came down with the disease 20% more frequent than the “Coco Puff” rats and 75% more than the control group. Dr. Fritz Koslow who led the study said, “Apparently nothing is more sugary sweet than a Manilow tune. We will be asking that all Manilow tunes come with a warning, ‘I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Need Insulin.’”