Earlier this morning sources have been reporting that Nicolas Cage has beaten the odds and has fully regained hearing in both ears after being struck with tinnitus some time after making Adaptation. Cage first noticed signs of hearing loss on the set of Ridley Scott’s Matchstick Men but doctors only declared him completely deaf sometime before production was set to start on The Weather Man. When asked why the public was never informed about the disability Cage explained that it was a family matter.
Larry Gold, Cage’s longtime agent released this statement, “Mr. Cage could not be more pleased. This has to be a miracle. He is now taking the time to sit down and review the films he made during this difficult period.” Mr. Gold was fired twenty minutes into World Trade Center. There is a press conference scheduled for later this afternoon and it is expected that Nicolas Cage will retire from the craft of acting. “It’s the obvious decision,” Cage had to say this morning during a radio interview. He then sadly admitted he will not be able to take Al Pacino with him, who suffered from a gravel eating incident nearly a decade ago.
Doctor’s are already writing about the anomaly for medical journals around the country. “This is truly great news, a cure. Just imagine all the people who will now be forced to listen to themselves,” a Connecticut ENT doctor wrote. The source of the cure is still being debated but it is believed to have occurred while Cage was forced to record commentary for the upcoming bluray special edition release of his Ghost Rider sequel. An audio technician from inside the studio to remain nameless had this to say, “everything was fine untill his ears just started bleeding. He began clawing at them wildly begging for quick death. My tolerance has been built up over the years. He I guess just wasn’t used to it. Too much, it was too much.”
In other news it is being reported that doctors diagnosed Tim Burton as blind since Planet of the Apes and Mickey Rourke as just plain stupid.
Unemployment statistics reaching record highs forced the executive branch and congress to pass a revolutionary labor act earlier this morning. It is predicted job creation will double if not triple in percentage. By women no longer being allowed to enter or be involved in the workforce, it is believed that thousands of new jobs will be open for far better qualified men.
The plan does have its skeptics, such as women who wear pant suits and women with short hair cuts. “This is despicable. It’s backwards and insulting, we won’t take this sitting down,” was the sentiment of the group. “I love it,” men had to say as they sipped on martinis and puffed on cigars.
The plan fell in line with Obama’s promise of bipartisan politics as both parties are generally fans of the show Mad Men, where the initiative drew its original inspiration. “Women of course will still be allowed secretarial work, but only the pretty ones,” vice president Joe Biden declared in front of a standing ovation in congress.
Coinciding with the passing of the new act was strengthened relations with Iran. Ayatollah Khomeini declared today a national holiday for his home country and accepted an invitation for political talks with President Obama to take place this upcoming week at Camp David.
Heaviest praise came from Bill Clinton. The former president acknowledged Barack Obama’s success at accomplishing something he could not do himself, removing current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from the White House.
In an interview with Screenwriter Magazine, Quentin Tarantino candidly answered personal questions ranging from the mundane to the perverse. In one instance he admitted to preferring the musk of his own farts when compared to those of others. “Yea, it’s definitely a trip, once it hits your nose it just doesn’t let go, it’s just cool but hot but cool at the same time,” he went on to say. When asked if it was something particular in his diet that caused the self satisfying aroma, the Django Unchained director was quick to refute any assumptions, “that’s food, that’s stuff from the outside. My body is what makes whatever this magic is, I deserve the credit, not some food that was nothing but food before I ate it.”
Also notable filmmaker and recent Oscar winner, Spike Jonze, was asked to comment on Mr. Tarantino’s flatulence and although he could not commit one way or the other he did admit that “they definitely do linger.”
Following several hours of standing in direct sunlight for no explicable reason, Lindsay Lohan was reported as feeling hot, sweaty, and generally discomforted. When asked why she wouldn’t just step aside into a nearby shaded area the Mean Girls star became belligerent and accused onlookers of conspiracy and jealousy. It was originally reported that Ms. Lohan was in Mexico for a feature film production, however, it quickly became evident to locals that the staged events were for her new reality series titled “Lindsay.”
Lohan continued her antics by shouting obscenities at a surrounding camera crew and accused them, who she referred to as paparazzi, of making her feel like a “prisoner.” The cameramen, wearing “Lindsay” jackets and matching hats were at first confused but then demanded their promised wages.
The premier episode is slated to air March 9th and is based around Lindsay’s private screening of Dallas Buyers Club and subsequent travels to Mexico in search of medicine for an undisclosed sexually transmitted disease.
Tom Watterson was fired this morning for a series of insubordinations including not getting people angry enough, leaving his community less divided than when he started, and most controversially, not rolling up his sleeves to the required elbow level. The possibility of a lawsuit is already being assessed by the Watterson camp citing discrimination as the sole factor in his release of duties. First hand witnesses are being contacted in the likelihood of a trial. John Davis, general contractor and patron of the Shop Rite Mr. Watterson was known to hand out flyers in front of, had this to say, “although I can’t say his sleeves were rolled up too high I definitely can’t deny that he was intent on trying to rile me up about someone being racist or rich or something.”
The Association for the Betterment of the Association issued what they described as their only statement regarding the matter. “We at the ABA stand firm in our claims that Mr. Watterson deserved to be relieved of his duties. Our policies are fair but unmalleable and as a result must be followed strictly. If you don’t roll your sleeve up to the required level how else will an angry mob know you mean business?”
Billionaire tech giant Sir James Dyson chose this years Electronics Tech Expo in Las Vegas to reveal the newest addition to his vacuum cleaner line, Lupe Sanchez. Already making waves, Lupe Sanchez is expected to revolutionize the home appliance industry once she hits the market in early April.
Lupe comes equipped with two arms and a replaceable apron, as well as several children that from time to time will be found scattered throughout your house and in warmer weather, backyard. A suggested manufacturer price has not yet been set, however, analysts are predicting a high number as a result of the easy return policy.
Sir James Dyson spoke briefly about the steps that led to the design of the new vacuum. “After years of trying to figure out the most efficient way to vacuum your house we finally figured it out,” explained Dyson, “have someone else do it.” When asked about other products in the new line of home appliances, Dyson hinted at several details. The Magda Nazwisko will be revealed in June at the Tampa Bay Tech Expo and is expected to have large forearms and steal your silverware.
Following violent acts of oppression from leadership in neighboring regions, a parliament vote approved to support rebel forces in declaring war on both fashion and subsequently music in Armenia. Russian leader Vladimir Putin is fearing that this “Silk Shirt Spring” may escalate and inspire surrounding nations to similar revolts. A NATO task force is already in the region distributing Versace sunglasses and Emporio Armani stainless steel belt buckles.
“We may not agree with their beliefs but we can all agree they have a right to choose for themselves,” President Obama declared in a speech this morning, referring of course to pencil thin goatees and hitting on sixteen year old girls at night clubs. Rebel leader Levon Arslanian released a statement earlier this morning however it could not be translated because residual cologne had long since dissolved the ink.
Earlier this morning Oleg Marshenko entered his community massage parlor believing he knew what to expect. Although he had never received a massage before he had seen them performed many times before on television and in cinema.
Oleg explained his initial reasons for entering the spa, “I had a pain in my shoulders, a tightness. I thought this would be a good method to rid my ailment.” He described the massage as being soothing and an instant success as a remedy for his back pain. “The young lady then asked me to roll over, I was confused.”
Oleg followed the masseuse’s instructions and waited curiously. “She asked me if I’d be interested in a hand job. I was astounded. At first I thought she was joking, but she was already playing with my balls.” Oleg accepted the offer and immediately contacted his friends with his new found discovery. Oksana Belantina, the masseuse who provided the hand job refused to comment however her colleague, who is known to provide similar services was eager to describe the trade.
“Sure, it’s great money and you get no dirtier than a butcher.” It should be noted that master butcher is a leading and respected regional profession. The news only became more shocking. ”Some men,” she continued, “attend the spa strictly for the hand jobs.”
These findings are expected to send shock waves through the therapeutic services industry. Several weekend spa retreats have already reported an increase in bookings but not from their usual clients. “I used to have to beg my husband to go and now we’re locked in for three weekends in a row,” cheered a Lviv local while her husband packed several bottles of baby oil.
HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
Earlier today on the Kelly and Michael morning talk show Matthew McConaughey revealed his recent discovery that he has been a longtime actor. The startling revelation was made less than a week before during a visit to doctors in preparation for his next picture. “I just had no idea. I was dead certain I was a used car salesman from Corpus Christi,” McConaughey had to say. Later in the episode an official statement of apology was issued, “you expect this kind of thing to happen to someone like Nicholas Cage but you never think it can happen in your own home.”
When asked how his entire career could go so unnoticed doctor’s explanations were simple, “the mind is a fragile thing. In this case, he’s just a fucking idiot.” Mr. McConaughey has rented a private screening room at Paramount Studios and is expected to view his entire filmography. Staff have already been notified and are on 24 hour suicide watch. The nation’s fingers are crossed for Failure to Launch.
The mix-up is believed to have began in 1993 on the set of Dazed and Confused when Mr. McConaughey is believed to have wandered onto set discussing the advantages of sexually harassing High School females. “I remember that day clearly,” McConaughey said when reporters questioned him, “so those weren’t real High School females?” The disappointment is expected to only continue as the now admitted star pays closer attention to his own life.
A Greenpoint contractor was awarded the annual Achievement Award this morning for breaking a long standing attendance record by only showing up an hour late each day during the course of this last year. Award recipient Mike Matzolapolos is expected to be present at the ceremony this Sunday slated to start an hour after the scheduled start time, “but they should start two hours later if they want to see the other nominees,” added Chairman of the Academy Paulie Gazzo.
This years recipient is not without controversy as critics are pointing out Mr. Matzolapolos record on inflating charges to at least twice, sometimes three times the original estimated price. These claims are being taken seriously as they would break the Bensonhurst Pact of 1945 in which a declared range of 120% to 180% mandatory inflation of estimated price, not more and especially not less.