NEW YORK, NY (USA)
Following the bounty scandal involving Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to redraft some of the leagues oldest rules. “We have lost touch with what this game really means. It used to be about love and dedication, your teammates and a common goal to win. Now it’s just about hitting each other and scoring.” Goodell continued, “toward the end of his life Johnny Unitas lived in a near paralyzed state because he loved the game, not because there were violent acts directed towards him.” The commissioner dodged all questions about the great Polaroid scandal of ’58, referring of course to when Mr. Unitas was caught mailing poorly developed photos of his genitals to a Pan Am stewardess.
Players around the league were elated to find out about the changes to the rules. Baltimore Ravens linebacker and future hall of famer Ray Lewis weighted in on the decision, “it’s not the kind of world I want to live in. I don’t hate the opposing quarter back, I think we should all try to be supportive of each other. A Superbowl victory for one is a Superbowl victory for all. It’s like the Occupy Movement said, we should look out for each other.” In related news, three more were critically injured when Occupy Movement camps erupted into anarchic violence.
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LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
NetFlix today announced plans to bail itself out of its financial and PR nightmares. Using their movie distribution formula, they’ll take on the field of marijuana distribution with the opening of NetFix. For a fee of just $250 a month, NetFix will mail out an initial packet of seven marijuana delivery systems (or, joints, as they are more commonly known.) Customers will then mail back the used marijuana delivery system and another one will be sent out immediately. For $350 a month, the customer can opt for the Bob Marley special package – “Rasta Reefer Madness” – that will include extra large-sized individually wrapped 100% Jamaican product and a collectible Marley commemorative “Roach Clip.” Buyers will also be able to mix and match product from around the world. Choices include: Maui Wowie, Tijuana Grass, Congo Cannabis and a special brand just for the ladies, Mary Jane Lite. NetFix plans to begin advertising next spring with the slogan: NetFix: You’ll Flip Your Lid Over It.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
With a new baseball season just around the hot corner, Roger Clemens announced he was coming in clean in a new book entitled “Steroids, My Ass.” In a leaked portion of the book, Clemens reveals he did buy HGH and Steroids not for himself, but for Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. Sources were able to verify that Clemens and Selig were seen entering a Men’s Room together in a Toronto area hotel and that on the same night Selig was heard complaining about not being able to sit down because of what he claimed at the time was a hemorrhoid problem. When reporters contacted Selig’s office for confirmation about said hemorrhoid problem, they were informed the Commissioner was in his office showing off how his weight lifting program allowed him to rip the Mitchell Report in half with his bare hands. Clemens further claimed he bought the HGH and Steroids from former Senator Mitchell. When told, Mitchell denied the claim saying there was no proof, Clemens told reporters: “Proof, I don’t need no stinkin’ proof. I got something better… Photoshop.”
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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DETROIT, MI (USA)
GM in attempt to go greener than any of its rivals announced the successful test run of the THC, a car that runs on mixture of traditional gasoline and hemp. GM explained that by using hemp as part of its “Go Green” initiative they plan to put the “High” in Hybrid. Although the car will emit exhaust fumes the only expected consequence is some passersby might experience a craving for Cheese Nachos, Pringles and baked goods. GM said it plans to use the technology for mass transit devices and has already gotten an order from an unnamed city for the vehicle they are calling the “Canni-bus.” The automaker has set a target date of 2014 to release three different sizes of the Hemponal Vehicle: The Cheech, The Chong, and the Snoop DeVille.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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GETTYSBURG, PA (USA)
In an attempt to show that he believes the Catholic Church isn’t always right, Rick Santorum took a firm stand against the Spanish Inquisition for not being English Only. The former Pennsylvania Senator said this was a tough call, but that because the Bible’s in English, so should be any torture, coercion, or persecution in its name. The Candidate did add we’ve come a long way from those times and that a lot of so-called tortures should now be used to keep marriages together. “There’s nothing like a good flaying or a few turns on the rack to add spice to a marriage. How do you think Me and the Missus kept the romance going to have all those kids?”
Despite, the candidate’s feelings on the Spanish Inquistition, the Santorum campaign released a statement saying the Former Senator would not veer from his core beliefs. For example, although the Santorums will be getting Secret Service, 24/7 protection, none would be provided for Mrs. Santorum’s uterus. And, that because of Santorum’s opposition to same sex marriages and the homosexual lifestyle, he wants to remove all references from schoolbooks to the “Gay Nineties.” To further emphasis its anti-abortion and contraception commitment to voters, the Santorum campaign unveiled its new slogan: Let’s Get Government Off Our Backs And Onto Our Fronts.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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RENO, NV (USA)
Following a month long investigation into Reno resident Steve Howerton, evidence has been found that he really likes the song Two of Hearts and child pornography. When questioned by reporters, Mr. Howerton denied any affinity towards the 1985 Stacey Q hit single. “That song is terrible, why would I want to listen to it?” He has subsequently plead no contest to all charges of loving naked boys aged 7 to 11.
The community is in shock and outrage. Sharon Hill, a concerned mother of two boys had this to say, “we all had that record, it’s understandable, but to deny liking it? How can we expect the truth from our politicians if we can’t get it from our neighbors.” Others were more sympathetic, such as Reno Mayor Bob Cashell, “now we never actually witnessed him listening to the song. I’m not saying it’s the case but these could just be allegations to frivolously sue a a possibly innocent resident of my city.”
Former child stars Macaulay Culkin and Corey Feldman have both come forward in defense of Mr. Howerton claiming they have never personally witnessed him listening to the hit single. They continued that he most definitely did sodomize them on multiple occasions, “but it’s all cool.”
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HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
The International Space Object Naming Registry announced original 1960’s Star Trek co-star George Takei now has an asteroid named after him. When Takei was told of the honor that makes him officially a heavenly body, he remarked in his usual good natured baritone: “Wow, I’m now so far out of the closet I’m in outer space.” Asked if Takei was the first openly gay person to have an object in outer space named after them, a Registry spokeswoman said, “No, one of the Gemini twins. Gay. Orion… let’s just say his arrow went both ways. And, don’t get us started on the origins of Uranus.”
The registry also announced that a comet was being named after Paris Hilton. Mostly, because it apparently has no real purpose, appeared out of nowhere and no one can figure out how to get rid of it.
Paul Lander
Jokeguy1@yahoo.com
http://offthelawn.com/About.html
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ODEK, UGANDA
In a startling turn of events, famed warlord and late 1980′s hip hop enthusiast Joesph Kony has joined the campaign to end the campaign of famed warlord and late 1980′s hip hop enthusiast Joseph Kony. “I just watched the video and it blew me away,” Kony had to say, “all the facts, i’m just such a dick, bam, you can’t keep ignoring it.” He also added that a majority of his liberation army had already shared the video and did not want to feel left out.
Members of the popular rock bands Green Day and U2 have united for a benefit concert in support of Joseph Kony and his new anti-Kony stance. Lead singer Bono held a press conference to announce the news several hours after the warlord’s Facebook status was updated. “It’s truly a marvelous event and hopefully we’ll get a huge turnout and be able to make a change. With your help Uganda will one day be as safe as the rest of Africa.”
There has been backlash throughout the day as a result of the announcement. Both the Free Mumia movement and the Zeitgeist dude claim that people should not be “taken in by what is clearly a fad” and should “focus on the real problems in this country.” Sweatshirts are currently available by both groups at reasonable prices on their respective websites.
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LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
This morning it was announced that singer and “actress” Whitney Houston passed away from still undetermined causes. Within minutes of hearing of the death of the 48 year old, executives from her record label quickly booked an emergency meeting to explore all ideas on how to fully exploit the situation for maximum profits. “So far, we are pleased with the results….I mean, devastated by what happened. We have heard the body has cooled considerably, making her come back less likely….er, I mean, we are saddened to hear,” stated one record company employee. Already, editors have begun pasting together a shoddy, full length, 3D Imax concert/biography movie. Work has also started on assembling a CD box set of all her music, including many “lost” tapes and “never heard before” tracks that have mysteriously popped up out of nowhere. And several reworked and remastered editions of “The Bodyguard” are being prepared, with extra footage, hilarious outtakes and an intimate concert experience with Kevin Costner.
As funeral arrangements are being made, the Jackson family is reportedly trying to figure out how they can capitalize on the event. Tito has written a song which the family is calling, “The greatest anthem to Whitney ever written.” Rumours are for a planned wardrobe malfunction to bring further attention to the family whose spokesperson stated, “Any press is good press, right?” As well, civil rights icon, Jesse Jackson is writing his speech in which he is set to talk about how inspirational he was to her. Al Sharpton is also expected to attend and ramble on about something. As well, reports are that an illegitimate daughter has been found in Texas who is being groomed to make a “tear jerking” speech that is “sure to bring the house down.” Already, the Westboro Baptist Church has made plans to picket the wedding saying that, “She once knew someone who was gay and didn’t chastise them properly enough about it, and this is why she died! God hates gays and people who aren’t assholes to them!”
Tabloids have begun to seek out photos of the death scene and any embarrassing or stunning facts surrounding the death for print as soon as physically possible. If anyone, from anywhere on the planet, has any idea whatsoever of what may or may have not happened to Whitney in her final “dramatic minutes” before her death, they are being advised not to contact police, but to contact local tabloid offices.
De La Chris Hearn
snfu73@yahoo.com
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WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
With 99% of the votes counted Ron Paul is being named the clear winner of not winning a primary despite having tried really really hard and having a strong Facebook following. Balloons and confetti are already falling at the Paul headquarters in the party hall of the airport Marriott. “I’m very proud and thankful for today. I couldn’t have done it if there were more of you,” were the opening words from the humble congressman. “We will go on to lose Arizona! and Michigan! and Massachusetts!”
The other candidates are far from stunned at how much more they appear to be winning when compared to the struggling Paul. Mitt Romney was candid with reporters from GNN, “yes he has a strong internet following, but the internet is for people who don’t really go out and do things, like vote. It makes all the sense in the world.” Senator Santorum could not be reached for comment because he was presumably “out doing something creepy,” according to people who heard about the fetus story.
With Super Tuesday approaching public eyes are on Ron Paul awaiting to see what he will do to raise his status in popular culture yet still not win. “Maybe he’ll do another episode of The Daily Show,” was the sentiment of someone who listens to way too much Radiohead. “Or maybe not.”
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