GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)

28 Days Later after Jeremy Lin has made an impact in the NBA, media outlets have been reporting on the wide spread Linsanity in New York City, and slowly spreading to New Jersey, Long Island, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut.  With Linsanity spreading, the EPA has classified this as a class 5 outbreak, and has recommended that people in unaffected areas stock up on duct tape and canned goods in case their town starts to show signs of Linsanity. Scientists have been working around the clock, and have discovered the origin of Linsanity being traced back to rage Linfested monkeys in a pharmaceutical laboratory in Northern Jersey.

The EPA has recently reported a discovery that Linsanity is being spread by infected humans biting uninfected humans.  This could mean that the virus is spread in the saliva, and could potentially be spread through other bodily fluids.  Citizens are urged to keep their distance from any Linsane individuals, but if trapped in a corner, those with Linsanity can be stopped by bashing the head and killing the brain.

Remember, those with Linsanity may look human, they may be those people closest to you, who you have loved and cherished, but there is no cure for Linsanity, and many are saying Linsane people are in many ways already dead. Protect yourself at all times, and if you have been bitten, isolate yourself immediately. Symptoms of Linsanity include believing the New York Knicks have a shot at winning a championship, trying to think of clever sometimes racist Jeremy Lin puns, and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

Don’t forget to LIKE the Global News Network page on facebook for updates on new articles.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (USA)

Just hours before Superbowl XLVI, NFL insiders are reporting that Eli Manning isn’t leaving anything to chance in his second Superbowl facing arguably the best Quarterback of all time, Tom Brady.  Manning has reportedly reached out to Bronco’s Quarterback Tim Tebow, and has asked if he could borrow Jesus Christ for a day, who helped Tim Tebow win multiple games during the season.

“I didn’t quite understand what he was asking me,” said Tebow.  “I mean was he asking me to pray for him?  To be honest with you, Eli is kind of hard to understand when he gets excited.  I mean, there are a few things that Jesus COULD do for him I guess, like maybe turn all of the Patriots Gatorade to wine so they get drunk and can’t play, or maybe convince The Church that marrying a supermodel is a sin so they stone Tom Brady to Death?  Either way, I’m not even sure if the J-man is a G-men fan…”

When asked for comment, Eli Manning was quoted as saying “My brother Payton got me a coloring book!!!!  I colored everything blue, because that’s what the G in G-men stands for…BLUE!”  Eli then put on his Giants helmet and said “This is my TV helmet!!!  I like it better than my at home helmet!!!”

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Parents and lawmakers are stunned as startling new statistical findings are being released reporting that Nickelback related assassination attempts are at an all time low. Since the deaths of Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il in 2011, Nickelback is now listed as a top threat to American freedom.  Nickelback, a Canadian formed terrorist cell, is attributed as being one of the few terrorist organizations that has successfully integrated itself as a household name in American pop culture, and therefore is one of the top threats in establishing sympathy towards terrorist cells, or worse, converting American citizens to their extremist ways.

This morning, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton addressed the nation.  “America has come a long way in the face of pop-evil, however the war is not yet won.  America has triumphed and persevered, but it is not yet time to let our guard down and leave ourselves open to attack by top 40 radio stations.  It was only months ago on Thanksgiving that Nickelback attacked Detroit, and left millions of Detroit Lions Fans horrified at half-time. We cannot allow them the opportunity to strike again!”

Secretary of State Clinton didn’t go as far as to encourage violence against the band, but did encourage American’s not to listen to Nickelback, claiming it could validate their power chords and meaningless lyrics.  The CIA has come forward to say they have information that Nickelback could be teaming up with other known terrorism supporters such as Iran and/or the MTV Video Music Awards.

CONCORD, NH (USA)

G.O.P. hopeful Mitt Romney has scored two huge victories in the first two contests of the GOP primary.  As many political analysts project Romney to compete for the Presidential seat against current President Barack Obama, political analysts have begun trying to predict who Romney will choose as his running mate to hold that potential Vice President seat.  Early projections have shown that the top contender could actually be a cross party partnership between the G.O.P. and the Empire Party, teaming with long time Empire Party favorite Darth Vader.

The partnership between the two parties to take down Democratic powerhouse Barack Obama is a surprise to some, as the two parties have more differences than they do similarities.  For example Romney has been accused of having socialist policies in the past. His healthcare initiatives, or “Romney Care” has been compared to Barack Obama’s (or “Obama Care”), so some would find it curious that he would team up with Vader, whose policies to crush the rebellion have often been called “Big Government” and “Socialist.”

If anything, the only common denominator between the two candidates, besides being extremely photogenic, are their deep rooted religious backgrounds.  They have a history of being pro life, but support the Death Penalty (Vader once destroyed an entire planet).  Many however have thought that Vader’s extreme religious views have been a detriment to the effectiveness of his policies.  One critic was quoted as saying, “Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels’ hidden fortress.”

DES MOINES, IA (USA)

Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum got 25 percent of the ballots cast in the Iowa caucuses, a strong surge in his presidential bid for the G.O.P. nomination Tuesday.  Initial impressions were that there was a mix up in the voting, where results were instead based off the quantity of Google searches for each candidate as opposed to actual Iowa voting; however that rumor was dispelled early Wednesday morning.  As it turns out, Rick Santorum credits his surge in the polls to hiring infamous Walt Disney Propaganda Machine, which gained notoriety during World War II making anti Nazi Propaganda.

Disney, which produced many shorts during WWII, promoted citizenship and created animations portraying the Axis as a violent enemy.  Just under 70 years later, Santorum has hired Disney to produce shorts for the Santorum Campaign.  Some of their more popular shorts have included “Vote Santorum, He’s Not a Jew,” and “Since corporations are people, Google is an Asshole.”

Disney and Santorum have received some criticism from the Liberal Media however; as they feel many of the ads have an anti-Semitic and anti-Gay undertones.  One ad in particular called “Voting Democrat means The Gays Win,” had many in the gay community upset.  However curiously the gay community was less upset about the fact the ad had been made, as Republicans gay bashing has become a bit of a standard practice. They were more that Donald Duck was the character chosen to portray Homosexuals in the short, because “Sailor Suits are soooo tacky.”

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Shortly after the New Year, the G.O.P. nomination will begin to come into focus beginning with the Iowa Caucus in January.  The G.O.P. primary so far as been a back and forth race with leaders like Herman Cain and Michelle Bachmann at one time leading and then falling back in the polls.  On the other side, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich at one time polled as low as 2%, now leads in the polls with some results showing as high as a 10 point lead over #2 candidate Mitt Romney.  Political Analysts have reported however that Newt’s comeback poll numbers leading into the Holiday season have less to do with his political policies, and more to do with his resemblance to Santa Clause.

Political analysts have theorized that this was no accident by the Gingrich camp, but an attempt to stomp out any Gingrich / Grinch associations before they could happen.  “We wanted to make sure that people would make a positive association this holiday season since Gingrich & Grinch sound so much alike, and obviously because of Newt’s tendency to sneak into people’s houses on Christmas Eve and steal small children’s presents.”  Gingrich has been seen on the campaign trail doing Santa Clause related activities, such as letting children sit on his lap, wearing red with a long white beard, and kissing your mother.

WASHINGTON DC. D.C. (USA)

Herman Cain, after rampant accusations of sexual harassment has elected to drop his bid for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America.  Cain has since stated that his reputation in the business community may be too damaged to return to his previous duties, and has elected to accept and offer to star in the upcoming TV reboot of cult blaxploitation character Shaft.

“I have to consider my options,” said Cain in and exclusive GNN interview, “and right now the American people see me as a strong black man with attitude who loooooooooooves the pussy.  Who better to play Shaft?  Besides, ‘It’s my duty to please that booty’ was going to be my original campaign slogan before my campaign manager talked me out of it.

Cain stated that he was going to use many of Shaft’s classic one liners, such as “When you lead your revolution, whitey better be standing still because you don’t run worth a damn no more,” and “Don’t let your mouth get your ass in trouble. “  However, he is excited at the opportunity to try and incorporate some of his own one liner’s, such as “Girl I got some pepperoni for that pizza,” as well as “YOU GONNA SERVE 9-9-9 TO LIFE MOTHA FUCKA!!!”