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Native American Sports Mascots to Open Indian Casino
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Today in a historic meeting between NFL, MLB, NBA, and collegiate sporting officials, Native American Sports Mascots have been given permission to acquire income through the opening of Indian Casinos that will be placed in select sporting arenas. This decision comes at the tail end of a decision by North Dakota residents to retire the University of North Dakota’s Fighting Sioux mascot and iconography. Sporting officials from every major sport from the high school level to the professional fear that the North Dakota vote would begin a wave of political correctness that could force all teams using Native American Iconography to eventually retire their mascots. “I was a part of this football program in college, and 20 years later I’m coaching the team,” said Erwin Chester, coach of North Iowa Smallpox Blankets, “Smallpox has been in my blood for over 20 years!” As a compromise, The Native American Sports Mascots formally agreed to allow the usage of Indian Iconography if they were allowed to open Indian Casinos in all major sporting arenas featuring a Native American Mascot.
Sporting officials have also been authorized by the Mascots to un-retire previously retired mascots, such as the St. John’s “Redmen,” Alabama’s former mascot “Chief Firewater,” and North Texas’ “Heathen Savages who need to find Christ.” This decision was met with a mixed reaction from fans, as well as other non-Indian mascots. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot tweeted, “I’m surprised they agreed to give them so many Casinos’, don’t they know they traded Manhattan for a couple of beads?!” Reports say that the first Casino will be opening in Cleveland at Progressive Field, home of the Cleveland Indians, and the entire Casino will be made completely out of buffalo parts.
Republican Party to Change Its Name to The Xfinity Party
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Leading GOP members have announced the rebirth of the Republican Party, stating that the party as a whole will be dropping the label “Republican” and adopting the new/hip term Xfinity. Leading political analysts believe the switch is a direct result of low rated customer service dating back to the 2000 election, which has resulted in a decade of The Republican Party polled one of the top two hated political parties in America. Shortly after the 2008 election, many prominent conservative personalities like Glenn Beck tried switching to parties with similar small government ideologies, such as The Tea Party and The Libertarian Party. However these attempts were largely unsuccessful, as Beck would later say “a rose by another other name would still Hitler the Nine Eleven Fascist Socialism.”
Analysts are unsure how this recent attempt at re-branding the party will work however, as it seems that all of the services offered by the new Xfinity Party will be exactly the same. “I don’t really see how changing their name to Xfinity is going to change anything. It’s not like everyone is going to suddenly forget their customer service was terrible, and that they pretend they will save you money but end up jacking up you’re rates when they start a war a year after you sign up. Plus, I really don’t like how they insist on bundle their anti-abortion services together with their small government package. ” The change is being planned almost immediately, and Mitt Romney is expected to back the new change at this year’s Xfinity National Convention in Tampa Florida, accepting the party’s nomination while dressed as one of the “X-men.”
Nation Prepares for Unintelligible Election Arguments from 20 Something’s
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
The 2012 election is likely shaping up to be a race between current President Barack Obama, and likely G.O.P. nominee Mitt Romney. Obama, who had strong numbers from younger voters in 2008, is targeting his campaign to reach out to those 20 something’s again with promises of jobs, financial breaks for student loans, and supporting socially conscious issues. However many analysts believe this will have a similar negative outcome that the 2008 campaign did, producing another generation of 20 something’s becoming active in politics who don’t know what they are talking about, and worse off, not shutting up about it.
20 Something’s, whose primary vehicle for political debate is social media sites like Facebook & Twitter, have already begun debating top issues like “Obama is down with like…gay marriage and stuff,” as well as “Mitt Romney probably says the N word in private,” and “Ron Paul is the pro-marijuana guy right?” They have also kept up with recent events, as there was a large amount of social media chatter after the decision on the healthcare mandate, discussing issues like “Hooray, free healthcare!” and “So wait I don’t get free healthcare?” and “I’ll just wait for The Daily Show to explain it.”
Hot Button topics should differ from the 2008 election, as most of the discussion in Obama’s first election was centered around, “I’m not voting for him just because he’s black,” as well as “Well no I don’t actually know what any of his policies are, but like, Nine Eleven or whatever,” and most commonly, “Ron Paul is the pro-marijuana guy right?” Top Romney advisers are planning on releasing their own internet campaign to try and reach the 20 something’s, explaining his plan for job growth via internet meme’s featuring Romney’s pet cat Reagan.
America Shocked to Discover First African American President Sensitive to Civil Rights Issues
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Today President Barack Obama voiced his displeasure with the citizens of North Carolina, who voted to ban same sex marriage on Tuesday. Pro Gay Marriage groups had pushed forth a strong initiative to win over citizens in North Carolina, including sponsoring a hot pink car in NASCAR covered in glitter. Despite those efforts, the ban was still passed by a majority vote. Barack Obama is quoted as saying “…I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” This comes as grown breaking news to many Americas who never suspected that the first black president of the United States was sensitive to civil rights issues.
“It’s a disappointing position for him to take” says Stewart Cromley, Senior Conservative Political Analyst, “because we would have hoped that Barack Obama would have backed the teachings of The Bible, especially when it came to gay marriage. Because you know…Christians invented marriage. Also, The Bible is actually a very pro Civil Rights book…except the stuff about handicap people, and approving slavery, and really any mention of women. Just don’t read the Old Testament, that’s all The Jews fault anyway…”
Social Network activity has exploded Wednesday afternoon with topics like “GayOK, MarriageEquality, and ThankYouMrPresident.” Other topics were found such as “GAYNOTOK, IMNOTGAY, and STOPCALLING ME GAY,” but they were all traced back to a mysterious twitter account with the username @NotRickSantorum
Tobacco Industry Reaches New Customers; Begins Marketing “Corpse Cigarettes.”
SALEM, NC (USA)
The tobacco industry has been under scrutiny for many years. The last several decades have been marked by hearings accusing the industry of products causing health issues, marketing to children, and lobbying scandals at the highest ranks of government. Recently they have taken a step in a new direction. They are still making tobacco products, but are now marketing them to an older group that is incapable of developing new health issues, dead people.
The tobacco industry has since begun one of the most aggressive marketing campaigns in years. Strong regulations against advertisements on television and other media have usually prevented the tobacco industry from going on marketing blitzes, but none of those laws applied to the diseased. Marlboro has begun sponsoring celebrity funerals, most recently hosting the “Dick Clarks countdown to flavor,” advertised as “a very tasteful celebration of Dick Clark’s life, wishing him well in his journey to flavor country.”
Critics have suggested that the tobacco industry has just found an advertising loophole, and that they are advertising to dead people hoping the living will see the ads and buy their products. “How do dead people even buy tobacco products let alone use them?” said Nancy Stallworth, chairman of The Truth, and anti-smoking nonprofit organization; “It doesn’t make any sense! They are just trying to advertise tobacco products right in front of everyone’s face again like it was the 50’s and get away with it!” The Tobacco industry has responded to such criticism with an official statement saying “There is no evidence to suggest that a zombie apocalypse isn’t coming, and we are simply setting ourselves up to offer zombies a smooth, refreshing, brain eating alternative.”
GOP Candidates Promise to Replace Math with Bible Study in Public Schools
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
After months of GOP candidates discussing healthcare companies paying for birth control, the constitutionality of “Obamacare,” and even if the government has the right to tell homosexuals they cannot get married, a new hot button topic is sweeping the debates. That topic: the constitutionality of teaching math in public school systems. The debate was sparked shortly after it was pointed out to GOP candidates Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich that they were a few primaries away from being “mathematically impossible” in getting the delegates they need to win the nomination.
“Math is an invention of the Liberal Media to try and convince you that giving money to rich people is somehow a bad idea!” said Gingrich. “Personally I don’t even approve them teaching math in public schools, because the last thing we need are American’s who are smart enough to figure out that the numbers Republicans and Democrats feed American’s are all bullshit!” Mitt Romney has also spoken up saying “Mr. Gingrich and I have had our differences, but on this topic we agree, the last thing we need is Americans wasting time questioning the numbers of the Congressional Budget Office. That’s our job to do when it doesn’t suit the argument we are trying to make, and it’s our job to agree with them implicitly when it does.” Rick Santorum contributed as well, “We already have these colleges doing their own independent studies, God forbid the rest of American’s become educated enough to figure out the media is just feeding them the BS economic figures we pay them to.”
Conservative media outlets have run with the notion, insisting that “it’s ridiculous we can teach the soft science of math in schools, but we can’t teach facts like the teachings of the bible.” All four candidates have agreed to sign a pledge when they get into office to try and replace math with bible study in public school systems, hoping making “the devil’s numbers” a thing of the past.
Overly Ironic Hipster Becomes Wall Street Lawyer
BROOKLYN, NY (USA)
“I just thought to myself, what would be the most ironic thing I could do? And then it occurred to me, become a lawyer and make my parents proud of me!” Those were the words of Ronald Stevenson, former hipster, and now Harvard Law graduate. “See a few years ago, being a hipster actually meant something. It was a statement against society and conventional norms. But now anyone can get a couple tattoos, dress like an idiot, and call themselves a hipster. Being a hipster became normal! All of a sudden, people were confusing me with these wannabe’s. It became a issue of how could I establish myself as being an actual hipster. Turns out, to separate myself from them, I had to do the most ironic thing i could do, and that’s when I went to Harvard Law School.
Stevenson, who graduated top of his class, is looking to secure a job at any number of top Wall Street firms. He is being actively recruited and is expected to start at a salary of over One Hundred Thousand dollars per year. “The only difficult part of this whole thing is covering up all my tattoos and piercings.” said Stevenson. “Unfortunately long sleeves don’t cover the “Fuck Life” tattoo I have across my knuckles. I’ve been telling people that I’m a germaphobe and have to wear gloves at all times. However I still haven’t thought of a good excuse for why I have 4 inch holes in my ears from where my gauges used to be.”
Report: 43% of Academy Awards Key Demographic Dies of Old Age During Broadcast
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
The Academy Awards aired on ABC Sunday night, and as expected was a large boost to ABC’s usual Sunday evening ratings. Nielsen Ratings were up 4% versus previous years at the start of the show. Historically, the target demographic for The Oscars are people between the ages of 85 – 150 years old, which is why Billy Crystal has hosted the Oscars so many times. Those viewers often turn off the TV between 9 and 9:30pm, about 3 hours past their normal bedtime, to which the Nielson Ratings predictably slip in the later hours of the show. However this year, ratings stayed consistent through the entire show, showing very little drop off from the start to the finish of the show. The Academy initially predicted that they had finally reached a younger demographic including stars like Zack Galifianakis and Will Ferrell as presenters, however it was later discovered that 43% of the Oscars viewers died during the program, having never turned off their TV sets.
Surprisingly, very few of the deaths were suicides caused by Billy Crystal’s opening monologue as some pundits have predicted today, although many are still attributing the monologue to the seemingly overnight rise in Atheism worldwide. In fact, the leading theory on the deaths is that the elderly deceased laughed themselves to death at Billy Crystal’s jokes. Ironically, younger viewers who often stay up late watching television reported Billy Crystal’s jokes caused them to fall asleep, resulting in younger viewers not changing the channel, which also could have attributed to the ratings boost. It is yet to be determined whether or not Billy Crystal will be charged for murder, or given a Presidential Pardon due to potentially solving the social security budget problem.
Linsanity Shown to be Caused by Rage Linfested Monkeys
NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)
28 Days Later after Jeremy Lin has made an impact in the NBA, media outlets have been reporting on the wide spread Linsanity in New York City, and slowly spreading to New Jersey, Long Island, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut. With Linsanity spreading, the EPA has classified this as a class 5 outbreak, and has recommended that people in unaffected areas stock up on duct tape and canned goods in case their town starts to show signs of Linsanity. Scientists have been working around the clock, and have discovered the origin of Linsanity being traced back to rage Linfested monkeys in a pharmaceutical laboratory in Northern Jersey.
The EPA has recently reported a discovery that Linsanity is being spread by infected humans biting uninfected humans. This could mean that the virus is spread in the saliva, and could potentially be spread through other bodily fluids. Citizens are urged to keep their distance from any Linsane individuals, but if trapped in a corner, those with Linsanity can be stopped by bashing the head and killing the brain.
Remember, those with Linsanity may look human, they may be those people closest to you, who you have loved and cherished, but there is no cure for Linsanity, and many are saying Linsane people are in many ways already dead. Protect yourself at all times, and if you have been bitten, isolate yourself immediately. Symptoms of Linsanity include believing the New York Knicks have a shot at winning a championship, trying to think of clever sometimes racist Jeremy Lin puns, and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.
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Eli Manning Asks Tebow to Borrow Jesus for Superbowl
INDIANAPOLIS, IN (USA)
Just hours before Superbowl XLVI, NFL insiders are reporting that Eli Manning isn’t leaving anything to chance in his second Superbowl facing arguably the best Quarterback of all time, Tom Brady. Manning has reportedly reached out to Bronco’s Quarterback Tim Tebow, and has asked if he could borrow Jesus Christ for a day, who helped Tim Tebow win multiple games during the season.
“I didn’t quite understand what he was asking me,” said Tebow. “I mean was he asking me to pray for him? To be honest with you, Eli is kind of hard to understand when he gets excited. I mean, there are a few things that Jesus COULD do for him I guess, like maybe turn all of the Patriots Gatorade to wine so they get drunk and can’t play, or maybe convince The Church that marrying a supermodel is a sin so they stone Tom Brady to Death? Either way, I’m not even sure if the J-man is a G-men fan…”
When asked for comment, Eli Manning was quoted as saying “My brother Payton got me a coloring book!!!! I colored everything blue, because that’s what the G in G-men stands for…BLUE!” Eli then put on his Giants helmet and said “This is my TV helmet!!! I like it better than my at home helmet!!!”
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