GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Today President Barack Obama voiced his displeasure with the citizens of North Carolina, who voted to ban same sex marriage on Tuesday.  Pro Gay Marriage groups had pushed forth a strong initiative to win over citizens in North Carolina, including sponsoring a hot pink car in NASCAR covered in glitter.  Despite those efforts, the ban was still passed by a majority vote.  Barack Obama is quoted as saying “…I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” This comes as grown breaking news to many Americas who never suspected that the first black president of the United States was sensitive to civil rights issues.

“It’s a disappointing position for him to take” says Stewart Cromley, Senior Conservative Political Analyst, “because we would have hoped that Barack Obama would have backed the teachings of The Bible, especially when it came to gay marriage.  Because you know…Christians invented marriage. Also, The Bible is actually a very pro Civil Rights book…except the stuff about handicap people, and approving slavery, and really any mention of women. Just don’t read the Old Testament, that’s all The Jews fault anyway…”

Social Network activity has exploded Wednesday afternoon with topics like “GayOK, MarriageEquality, and ThankYouMrPresident.”  Other topics were found such as “GAYNOTOK, IMNOTGAY, and STOPCALLING ME GAY,” but they were all traced back to a mysterious twitter account with the username @NotRickSantorum

SALEM, NC (USA) 

The tobacco industry has been under scrutiny for many years. The last several decades have been marked by hearings accusing the industry of products causing health issues, marketing to children, and lobbying scandals at the highest ranks of government. Recently they have taken a step in a new direction. They are still making tobacco products, but are now marketing them to an older group that is incapable of developing new health issues, dead people.

The tobacco industry has since begun one of the most aggressive marketing campaigns in years. Strong regulations against advertisements on television and other media have usually prevented the tobacco industry from going on marketing blitzes, but none of those laws applied to the diseased.  Marlboro has begun sponsoring celebrity funerals, most recently hosting the “Dick Clarks countdown to flavor,” advertised as “a very tasteful celebration of Dick Clark’s life, wishing him well in his journey to flavor country.”

Critics have suggested that the tobacco industry has just found an advertising loophole, and that they are advertising to dead people hoping the living will see the ads and buy their products. “How do dead people even buy tobacco products let alone use them?” said Nancy Stallworth, chairman of The Truth, and anti-smoking nonprofit organization; “It doesn’t make any sense! They are just trying to advertise tobacco products right in front of everyone’s face again like it was the 50’s and get away with it!” The Tobacco industry has responded to such criticism with an official statement saying “There is no evidence to suggest that a zombie apocalypse isn’t coming, and we are simply setting ourselves up to offer zombies a smooth, refreshing, brain eating alternative.”

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

After months of GOP candidates discussing healthcare companies paying for birth control, the constitutionality of “Obamacare,” and even if the government has the right to tell homosexuals they cannot get married, a new hot button topic is sweeping the debates. That topic: the constitutionality of teaching math in public school systems.  The debate was sparked shortly after it was pointed out to GOP candidates Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich that they were a few primaries away from being “mathematically impossible” in getting the delegates they need to win the nomination.

“Math is an invention of the Liberal Media to try and convince you that giving money to rich people is somehow a bad idea!” said Gingrich. “Personally I don’t even approve them teaching math in public schools, because the last thing we need are American’s who are smart enough to figure out that the numbers Republicans and Democrats feed American’s are all bullshit!” Mitt Romney has also spoken up saying “Mr. Gingrich and I have had our differences, but on this topic we agree, the last thing we need is Americans wasting time questioning the numbers of the Congressional Budget Office.  That’s our job to do when it doesn’t suit the argument we are trying to make, and it’s our job to agree with them implicitly when it does.” Rick Santorum contributed as well, “We already have these colleges doing their own independent studies, God forbid the rest of American’s become educated enough to figure out the media is just feeding them the BS economic figures we pay them to.”

Conservative media outlets have run with the notion, insisting that “it’s ridiculous we can teach the soft science of math in schools, but we can’t teach facts like the teachings of the bible.” All four candidates have agreed to sign a pledge when they get into office to try and replace math with bible study in public school systems, hoping making “the devil’s numbers” a thing of the past.

BROOKLYN, NY (USA)

“I just thought to myself, what would be the most ironic thing I could do? And then it occurred to me, become a lawyer and make my parents proud of me!” Those were the words of Ronald Stevenson, former hipster, and now Harvard Law graduate. “See a few years ago, being a hipster actually meant something. It was a statement against society and conventional norms. But now anyone can get a couple tattoos, dress like an idiot, and call themselves a hipster. Being a hipster became normal! All of a sudden, people were confusing me with these wannabe’s.  It became a issue of how could I establish myself as being an actual hipster. Turns out, to separate myself from them, I had to do the most ironic thing i could do, and that’s when I went to Harvard Law School.

Stevenson, who graduated top of his class, is looking to secure a job at any number of top Wall Street firms. He is being actively recruited and is expected to start at a  salary of over One Hundred Thousand dollars per year. “The only difficult part of this whole thing is covering up all my tattoos and piercings.” said Stevenson.  “Unfortunately long sleeves don’t cover the “Fuck Life” tattoo I have across my knuckles. I’ve been telling people that I’m a germaphobe and have to wear gloves at all times.  However I still haven’t thought of a good excuse for why I have 4 inch holes in my ears from where my gauges used to be.”

LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

The Academy Awards aired on ABC Sunday night, and as expected was a large boost to ABC’s usual Sunday evening ratings.  Nielsen Ratings were up 4% versus previous years at the start of the show. Historically, the target demographic for The Oscars are people between the ages of 85 – 150 years old, which is why Billy Crystal has hosted the Oscars so many times. Those viewers often turn off the TV between 9 and 9:30pm, about 3 hours past their normal bedtime, to which the Nielson Ratings predictably slip in the later hours of the show. However this year, ratings stayed consistent through the entire show, showing very little drop off from the start to the finish of the show. The Academy initially predicted that they had finally reached a younger demographic including stars like Zack Galifianakis and Will Ferrell as presenters, however it was later discovered that 43% of the Oscars viewers died during the program, having never turned off their TV sets.

Surprisingly, very few of the deaths were suicides caused by Billy Crystal’s opening monologue as some pundits have predicted today, although many are still attributing the monologue to the seemingly overnight rise in Atheism worldwide. In fact, the leading theory on the deaths is that the elderly deceased laughed themselves to death at Billy Crystal’s jokes. Ironically, younger viewers who often stay up late watching television reported Billy Crystal’s jokes caused them to fall asleep, resulting in younger viewers not changing the channel, which also could have attributed to the ratings boost.  It is yet to be determined whether or not Billy Crystal will be charged for murder, or given a Presidential Pardon due to potentially solving the social security budget problem.

NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)

28 Days Later after Jeremy Lin has made an impact in the NBA, media outlets have been reporting on the wide spread Linsanity in New York City, and slowly spreading to New Jersey, Long Island, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut.  With Linsanity spreading, the EPA has classified this as a class 5 outbreak, and has recommended that people in unaffected areas stock up on duct tape and canned goods in case their town starts to show signs of Linsanity. Scientists have been working around the clock, and have discovered the origin of Linsanity being traced back to rage Linfested monkeys in a pharmaceutical laboratory in Northern Jersey.

The EPA has recently reported a discovery that Linsanity is being spread by infected humans biting uninfected humans.  This could mean that the virus is spread in the saliva, and could potentially be spread through other bodily fluids.  Citizens are urged to keep their distance from any Linsane individuals, but if trapped in a corner, those with Linsanity can be stopped by bashing the head and killing the brain.

Remember, those with Linsanity may look human, they may be those people closest to you, who you have loved and cherished, but there is no cure for Linsanity, and many are saying Linsane people are in many ways already dead. Protect yourself at all times, and if you have been bitten, isolate yourself immediately. Symptoms of Linsanity include believing the New York Knicks have a shot at winning a championship, trying to think of clever sometimes racist Jeremy Lin puns, and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

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INDIANAPOLIS, IN (USA)

Just hours before Superbowl XLVI, NFL insiders are reporting that Eli Manning isn’t leaving anything to chance in his second Superbowl facing arguably the best Quarterback of all time, Tom Brady.  Manning has reportedly reached out to Bronco’s Quarterback Tim Tebow, and has asked if he could borrow Jesus Christ for a day, who helped Tim Tebow win multiple games during the season.

“I didn’t quite understand what he was asking me,” said Tebow.  “I mean was he asking me to pray for him?  To be honest with you, Eli is kind of hard to understand when he gets excited.  I mean, there are a few things that Jesus COULD do for him I guess, like maybe turn all of the Patriots Gatorade to wine so they get drunk and can’t play, or maybe convince The Church that marrying a supermodel is a sin so they stone Tom Brady to Death?  Either way, I’m not even sure if the J-man is a G-men fan…”

When asked for comment, Eli Manning was quoted as saying “My brother Payton got me a coloring book!!!!  I colored everything blue, because that’s what the G in G-men stands for…BLUE!”  Eli then put on his Giants helmet and said “This is my TV helmet!!!  I like it better than my at home helmet!!!”

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Parents and lawmakers are stunned as startling new statistical findings are being released reporting that Nickelback related assassination attempts are at an all time low. Since the deaths of Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il in 2011, Nickelback is now listed as a top threat to American freedom.  Nickelback, a Canadian formed terrorist cell, is attributed as being one of the few terrorist organizations that has successfully integrated itself as a household name in American pop culture, and therefore is one of the top threats in establishing sympathy towards terrorist cells, or worse, converting American citizens to their extremist ways.

This morning, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton addressed the nation.  “America has come a long way in the face of pop-evil, however the war is not yet won.  America has triumphed and persevered, but it is not yet time to let our guard down and leave ourselves open to attack by top 40 radio stations.  It was only months ago on Thanksgiving that Nickelback attacked Detroit, and left millions of Detroit Lions Fans horrified at half-time. We cannot allow them the opportunity to strike again!”

Secretary of State Clinton didn’t go as far as to encourage violence against the band, but did encourage American’s not to listen to Nickelback, claiming it could validate their power chords and meaningless lyrics.  The CIA has come forward to say they have information that Nickelback could be teaming up with other known terrorism supporters such as Iran and/or the MTV Video Music Awards.

CONCORD, NH (USA)

G.O.P. hopeful Mitt Romney has scored two huge victories in the first two contests of the GOP primary.  As many political analysts project Romney to compete for the Presidential seat against current President Barack Obama, political analysts have begun trying to predict who Romney will choose as his running mate to hold that potential Vice President seat.  Early projections have shown that the top contender could actually be a cross party partnership between the G.O.P. and the Empire Party, teaming with long time Empire Party favorite Darth Vader.

The partnership between the two parties to take down Democratic powerhouse Barack Obama is a surprise to some, as the two parties have more differences than they do similarities.  For example Romney has been accused of having socialist policies in the past. His healthcare initiatives, or “Romney Care” has been compared to Barack Obama’s (or “Obama Care”), so some would find it curious that he would team up with Vader, whose policies to crush the rebellion have often been called “Big Government” and “Socialist.”

If anything, the only common denominator between the two candidates, besides being extremely photogenic, are their deep rooted religious backgrounds.  They have a history of being pro life, but support the Death Penalty (Vader once destroyed an entire planet).  Many however have thought that Vader’s extreme religious views have been a detriment to the effectiveness of his policies.  One critic was quoted as saying, “Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels’ hidden fortress.”

DES MOINES, IA (USA)

Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum got 25 percent of the ballots cast in the Iowa caucuses, a strong surge in his presidential bid for the G.O.P. nomination Tuesday.  Initial impressions were that there was a mix up in the voting, where results were instead based off the quantity of Google searches for each candidate as opposed to actual Iowa voting; however that rumor was dispelled early Wednesday morning.  As it turns out, Rick Santorum credits his surge in the polls to hiring infamous Walt Disney Propaganda Machine, which gained notoriety during World War II making anti Nazi Propaganda.

Disney, which produced many shorts during WWII, promoted citizenship and created animations portraying the Axis as a violent enemy.  Just under 70 years later, Santorum has hired Disney to produce shorts for the Santorum Campaign.  Some of their more popular shorts have included “Vote Santorum, He’s Not a Jew,” and “Since corporations are people, Google is an Asshole.”

Disney and Santorum have received some criticism from the Liberal Media however; as they feel many of the ads have an anti-Semitic and anti-Gay undertones.  One ad in particular called “Voting Democrat means The Gays Win,” had many in the gay community upset.  However curiously the gay community was less upset about the fact the ad had been made, as Republicans gay bashing has become a bit of a standard practice. They were more that Donald Duck was the character chosen to portray Homosexuals in the short, because “Sailor Suits are soooo tacky.”