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WWE Forced To Reevaluate Mandatory Cocaine And Steroid Use Policy Following Ultimate Warrior Death

April 10, 2014 3 comments

Ultimate WarriorSTAMFORD, CT (USA)

Only days after being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, The Ultimate Warrior, one of professional wrestling’s biggest superstars has died at 54. The Ultimate Warrior, born James Brian Hellwig, legally changed his name to Warrior in 1993, then changed his name again in 2003 to Martha Stewart, then changed it back to Warrior again in 2004. Read more…

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Categories: The Rob Report

Shocking Number of US Pre-Teens Don’t Remember Where They Were On 9/11

March 25, 2014 3 comments

????????????????PHILADELPHIA, PA (USA)

The September 11th attacks were one of the darkest days in American history, and for most Americans, that day is forever burned into their memories.  Much like the JFK Assassination, the moon landing, and Pearl Harbor, Americans can all tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news.  However, shocking reports from many of the nation’s middle schools shows that most students, if not all, have no memory of where they were on September 11th, 2001.

Read more…

Categories: The Rob Report

Native American Sports Mascots to Open Indian Casino

September 27, 2012 4 comments

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Today in a historic meeting between NFL, MLB, NBA, and collegiate sporting officials, Native American Sports Mascots have been given permission to acquire income through the opening of Indian Casinos that will be placed in select sporting arenas.  This decision comes at the tail end of a decision by North Dakota residents to retire the University of North Dakota’s Fighting Sioux mascot and iconography.  Read more…

Categories: Archive, The Rob Report

Republican Party to Change Its Name to The Xfinity Party

August 22, 2012 Leave a comment

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Leading GOP members have announced the rebirth of the Republican Party, stating that the party as a whole will be dropping the label “Republican” and adopting the new/hip term Xfinity. Leading political analysts believe the switch is a direct result of low rated customer service dating back to the 2000 election, which has resulted in a decade of The Republican Party polled one of the top two hated political parties in America. Shortly after the 2008 election, many prominent conservative personalities like Glenn Beck tried switching to parties with similar small government ideologies, such as The Tea Party and The Libertarian Party. However these attempts were largely unsuccessful, as Beck would later say “a rose by another other name would still Hitler the Nine Eleven Fascist Socialism.”

Analysts are unsure how this recent attempt at re-branding the party will work however, as it seems that all of the services offered by the new Xfinity Party will be exactly the same. “I don’t really see how changing their name to Xfinity is going to change anything.  It’s not like everyone is going to suddenly forget their customer service was terrible, and that they pretend they will save you money but end up jacking up you’re rates when they start a war a year after you sign up. Plus, I really don’t like how they insist on bundle their anti-abortion services together with their small government package. ”  The change is being planned almost immediately, and Mitt Romney is expected to back the new change at this year’s Xfinity National Convention in Tampa Florida, accepting the party’s nomination while dressed as one of the “X-men.”

Categories: Archive, The Rob Report

Nation Prepares for Unintelligible Election Arguments from 20 Something’s

July 24, 2012 5 comments

 

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

The 2012 election is likely shaping up to be a race between current President Barack Obama, and likely G.O.P. nominee Mitt Romney. Obama, who had strong numbers from younger voters in 2008, is targeting his campaign to reach out to those 20 something’s again with promises of jobs, financial breaks for student loans, and supporting socially conscious issues. However many analysts believe this will have a similar negative outcome that the 2008 campaign did, producing another generation of 20 something’s becoming active in politics who don’t know what they are talking about, and worse off, not shutting up about it.

20 Something’s, whose primary vehicle for political debate is social media sites like Facebook & Twitter, have already begun debating top issues like “Obama is down with like…gay marriage and stuff,” as well as “Mitt Romney probably says the N word in private,” and “Ron Paul is the pro-marijuana guy right?”  They have also kept up with recent events, as there was a large amount of social media chatter after the decision on the healthcare mandate, discussing issues like “Hooray, free healthcare!” and “So wait I don’t get free healthcare?” and “I’ll just wait for The Daily Show to explain it.”

Hot Button topics should differ from the 2008 election, as most of the discussion in Obama’s first election was centered around, “I’m not voting for him just because he’s black,” as well as “Well no I don’t actually know what any of his policies are, but like, Nine Eleven or whatever,” and most commonly, “Ron Paul is the pro-marijuana guy right?” Top Romney advisers are planning on releasing their own internet campaign to try and reach the 20 something’s, explaining his plan for job growth via internet meme’s featuring Romney’s pet cat Reagan.

Categories: Archive, The Rob Report

America Shocked to Discover First African American President Sensitive to Civil Rights Issues

May 9, 2012 1 comment

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Today President Barack Obama voiced his displeasure with the citizens of North Carolina, who voted to ban same sex marriage on Tuesday.  Pro Gay Marriage groups had pushed forth a strong initiative to win over citizens in North Carolina, including sponsoring a hot pink car in NASCAR covered in glitter.  Despite those efforts, the ban was still passed by a majority vote.  Barack Obama is quoted as saying “…I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” This comes as ground breaking news to many Americas who never suspected that the first black president of the United States was sensitive to civil rights issues.

“It’s a disappointing position for him to take” says Stewart Cromley, Senior Conservative Political Analyst, “because we would have hoped that Barack Obama would have backed the teachings of The Bible, especially when it came to gay marriage.  Because you know…Christians invented marriage. Also, The Bible is actually a very pro Civil Rights book…except the stuff about handicap people, and approving slavery, and really any mention of women. Just don’t read the Old Testament, that’s all the Jews fault anyway…”

Social Network activity has exploded Wednesday afternoon with topics like “GayOK, MarriageEquality, and ThankYouMrPresident.”  Other topics were found such as “GAYNOTOK, IMNOTGAY, and STOPCALLING ME GAY,” but they were all traced back to a mysterious twitter account with the username @NotRickSantorum

Categories: Archive, The Rob Report

Tobacco Industry Reaches New Customers; Begins Marketing “Corpse Cigarettes.”

April 24, 2012 Leave a comment


SALEM, NC (USA) 

The tobacco industry has been under scrutiny for many years. The last several decades have been marked by hearings accusing the industry of products causing health issues, marketing to children, and lobbying scandals at the highest ranks of government. Recently they have taken a step in a new direction. They are still making tobacco products, but are now marketing them to an older group that is incapable of developing new health issues, dead people.

The tobacco industry has since begun one of the most aggressive marketing campaigns in years. Strong regulations against advertisements on television and other media have usually prevented the tobacco industry from going on marketing blitzes, but none of those laws applied to the diseased.  Marlboro has begun sponsoring celebrity funerals, most recently hosting the “Dick Clarks countdown to flavor,” advertised as “a very tasteful celebration of Dick Clark’s life, wishing him well in his journey to flavor country.”

Critics have suggested that the tobacco industry has just found an advertising loophole, and that they are advertising to dead people hoping the living will see the ads and buy their products. “How do dead people even buy tobacco products let alone use them?” said Nancy Stallworth, chairman of The Truth, and anti-smoking nonprofit organization; “It doesn’t make any sense! They are just trying to advertise tobacco products right in front of everyone’s face again like it was the 50’s and get away with it!” The Tobacco industry has responded to such criticism with an official statement saying “There is no evidence to suggest that a zombie apocalypse isn’t coming, and we are simply setting ourselves up to offer zombies a smooth, refreshing, brain eating alternative.”

Categories: Archive, The Rob Report
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