GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)

After years of the audience being forced to swallow mediocre story lines and CGI’ed heterosexuality, payback is on the horizon as Hollywood mainstays John Travolta and Tom Cruise sign on to literally eat shit. “We’re both very excited and can’t wait for the public to finally see us like they’ve wanted to for years,” Travolta said in an interview on Live with Kelly this morning. Tom Cruise, making several radio appearances in the Los Angeles area was equally enthusiastic, “we don’t often get the respect of say Robert De Niro or Al Pacino but after this picture, they’ll know we’re method actors too.”

Terrence Malick is slated to helm the project as he is already notoriously known for filming two hours of nonsense that receives universal praise from grown men who attend wine tastings. The script is being described as a coming of age story about two men from different backgrounds who come together to learn how to be better and more responsible adults and eat shit from a cup. Rounding off the cast is Lindsay Lohan and it is expected to be her breakout comeback role, if they can find a cup big enough to hold her that is. Expect big box office numbers come Summer 2013.

LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

The Academy Awards aired on ABC Sunday night, and as expected was a large boost to ABC’s usual Sunday evening ratings.  Nielsen Ratings were up 4% versus previous years at the start of the show. Historically, the target demographic for The Oscars are people between the ages of 85 – 150 years old, which is why Billy Crystal has hosted the Oscars so many times. Those viewers often turn off the TV between 9 and 9:30pm, about 3 hours past their normal bedtime, to which the Nielson Ratings predictably slip in the later hours of the show. However this year, ratings stayed consistent through the entire show, showing very little drop off from the start to the finish of the show. The Academy initially predicted that they had finally reached a younger demographic including stars like Zack Galifianakis and Will Ferrell as presenters, however it was later discovered that 43% of the Oscars viewers died during the program, having never turned off their TV sets.

Surprisingly, very few of the deaths were suicides caused by Billy Crystal’s opening monologue as some pundits have predicted today, although many are still attributing the monologue to the seemingly overnight rise in Atheism worldwide. In fact, the leading theory on the deaths is that the elderly deceased laughed themselves to death at Billy Crystal’s jokes. Ironically, younger viewers who often stay up late watching television reported Billy Crystal’s jokes caused them to fall asleep, resulting in younger viewers not changing the channel, which also could have attributed to the ratings boost.  It is yet to be determined whether or not Billy Crystal will be charged for murder, or given a Presidential Pardon due to potentially solving the social security budget problem.

HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released it’s nominees list this week and despite public backlash, the Academy thinks, frankly, it did a great job. “I don’t think we snubbed anyone,” said chair of public relations for the group, Marvin Levy. “The board picked everything correctly, nearest I can tell.” Levy added this is the 84th year in a row the Academy has been perfect in picking nominees.

Public outcry for actors Ryan Gosling, Patton Oswalt, Tilda Swinton, and films Bridesmaids, 50/50 and The Adventures of Tintin has fallen on deaf ears at the Academy. “Did you see Gosling in Drive?” said Actors Branch chair Annette Bening. “He just walked around. He said fifty words the whole movie. If anything, Mr. And Mrs. Gosling deserve the nod for creating that perfect jawline.”

A campaign started for motion capture actor Andy Serkis to get a supporting actor nomination for his role in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. “Seriously? The guy who played Gollum?,” said Bening. “He doesn’t even have to yell to the heavens as rain comes down on his face or fall down on the floor of his lonely apartment in a heap or use an accent not his own or put on heavy make-up to make him ugly. No chance.”

The film Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close has drawn the most ire from media outlets, but Writers Branch chair Frank Pierson has a simple answer. “If you think we’re dumb enough to leave a film about 9/11 where Tom Hanks dies off this list, you’re crazy. No matter how sappy or vapid it is.” Pierson said after the Academy saw a rough cut of the trailer for Close, they knew it would be getting a nod. “My wife cried during the trailer, and that was enough for us.”

Once the Academy learned the film The Artist was about the silent film era and featured French actors, it was also given a nomination.

Jason Cook
@Jason_M_Cook

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Parents and lawmakers are stunned as startling new statistical findings are being released reporting that Nickelback related assassination attempts are at an all time low. Since the deaths of Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il in 2011, Nickelback is now listed as a top threat to American freedom.  Nickelback, a Canadian formed terrorist cell, is attributed as being one of the few terrorist organizations that has successfully integrated itself as a household name in American pop culture, and therefore is one of the top threats in establishing sympathy towards terrorist cells, or worse, converting American citizens to their extremist ways.

This morning, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton addressed the nation.  “America has come a long way in the face of pop-evil, however the war is not yet won.  America has triumphed and persevered, but it is not yet time to let our guard down and leave ourselves open to attack by top 40 radio stations.  It was only months ago on Thanksgiving that Nickelback attacked Detroit, and left millions of Detroit Lions Fans horrified at half-time. We cannot allow them the opportunity to strike again!”

Secretary of State Clinton didn’t go as far as to encourage violence against the band, but did encourage American’s not to listen to Nickelback, claiming it could validate their power chords and meaningless lyrics.  The CIA has come forward to say they have information that Nickelback could be teaming up with other known terrorism supporters such as Iran and/or the MTV Video Music Awards.

MANALAPAN TOWNSHIP, NJ (USA)

The staff at GNN would like to wish Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who turns 45 today a happy and healthy birthday. Mr. Sorrentino gained fame several years ago after surviving what should have been a fatal gunshot wound to the head, destroying critical amounts of brain tissue. At the time doctors gave the New Jersey resident only hours to live and are as surprised and happy as everyone that Sorrentino not only celebrated another birthday but has almost entirely regained back his motor skills. “We’re certain he’ll make a full recovery,” was the sentiment of the Sorrentino household.

In similar news, Pauly D (pictured below) plans to celebrate his upcoming birthday next month performing at Mansion located in the heart of Miami, Florida. GNN will be standing by with congratulations and the appropriate number of candles.

LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

Following domestic dispute charges against husband Mario, Princess Peach has filed for divorce in the state of California. She was seen nervously smoking cigarettes on the front porch of her sister’s house however she has yet to issue a statement. Authorities detained Mario last night at approximately 8pm and he is being held without bail posing a flight risk following a several day binge of mushrooms and super leaves. Police say he was calm and cooperative during the arrest.

The argument is believed to have began over a steak that Mario feared would have been overcooked thus, “defeating its own purpose.” Mrs. Peach suffered two black eyes, a fractured nose and a split on her upper lip. Refusing to stay at a shelter for battered women she is currently with family and expected to make a public appearance later in the week. Famed celebrity lawyer Laura Wasser is expected to represent the princess in the divorce. Wasser is most famous for representing Britney Spears in her divorce, a similar case where a rich blonde celebrity married poor white trash.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA (USA)

Earlier this morning Dina Lohan issued statement that her daughter had been rushed to Cedar’s-Sinai Medical Center following a several day binge of cocaine, alcohol, and looking into a mirror. “She was just so nervous about the upcoming court date. She felt this was the time she might actually be forced to pay for her crimes.” Lohan’s mother abruptly ended the interview and continued sipping on her Mojito at famed LA hotspot SkyBar at the Mondrian Hotel. The incident is being ruled accidental following a brief investigation. Lt. Robert Allman explained in detail, “she didn’t plan on looking directly into the mirror. The accident only occurred after the door to the medicine cabinet was shut following a frantic search for illegally obtained pharmaceuticals.”

Loved ones have been at Lindsay’s bedside for the past twelve hours however are not expected to stay much longer as the acid should be wearing down by now. “She’s a superhero, she’ll definitely come out stronger from this experience,” said Ginger Allen, longtime friend and sometimes footstool to the star, “her tolerance should at least double.”

The shock of seeing her own face sent the once beautiful actress into a sudden cardiac arrest at approximately 1:15 early Wednesday morning. She was rushed to the nearest hospital but even in this traumatized state could not avoid the paparazzi who had followed the white powdered trail left behind along Santa Monica Boulevard. Ms. Lohan is expected to make a full recovery and even a comeback. Her agent is currently looking for a “The Wrestler” style vehicle that was so successful for Mickey Rourke after the abuse he incurred on his own once attractive face.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN

During a test screening of James Cameron’s new movie, THINGS THAT AREN’T REAL BUT CAN BE MADE TO APPEAR SO WITH THE HELP OF DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY, a man was seriously injured following an assault by the director himself. “3D technology was a great jump forward but I wanted to make the experience feel even more real for the fans,” Cameron explained, “I wanted the audience to actually feel as though what they were watching was real. That is why I slapped the shit out of Carl Henderson.”

Carl Henderson, Minnesota father of four plans to sue the Hollywood mogul and is crying foul. “He just kept staring at me, asking me if I was entertained. When I’d answer ‘no’ he would just slap me harder and keep asking.” Leaked camera phone recorded footage of the incident is breaking all YouTube records solidifying Cameron’s reign at the top of his craft. Henderson broke into tears and could not continue the interview, his wife Cheryl of fifteen years had this to say, “I’ve seen him cry before, it’s the kids that I’m really worried about. I thought they’d at least be in high school before their father got bullied in front of them at a public movie theater.”

James Cameron could not be reached for comment however earlier this morning he twitted what fans have been eagerly waiting for. He confirmed that there will in fact be a sequel and that 68 year old Ruth Chang will not know what hit her. Fellow director Joel Coen praised Cameron, “I’ve spent all these years trying to make good movies, who would have thought all I had to do was beat these people to take their money from them.”

NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)

1980’s dancing and singing sensation The California Raisins are set to reunite for five shows in early November. Known primarily for a series of advertisements from 1986 to 1990, members of the band have since been found spending their time smoking crack and filming basic cable reality TV shows. That is except of course for member Justin Raisinblake who has had a successful solo singing and acting career resulting in a distancing himself from the other raisins. The raisin that looks like Ray Charles was pleased to announce the news and Raisinblake’s replacement, “I am proud to announce the latest addition to the group, Whoopie Goldberg.”

Whoopie Goldberg was reportedly shocked upon hearing of the press conference. She claimed that it had only been her career that shriveled up and not her face. “I will never join such a second rate group and I am surely not a raisin.” She was then found filing law suit against the Kellogg’s corporation for using her image in the longtime “two scoops of Whoopie” campaign. After deliberation it is expected that Ms. Goldberg will in fact join the group on stage despite not actually being a raisin. “She could use the money,” said manager and friend John Weinstein, “and there’s nothing embarrassing about dancing on stage with dried fruit.” Citing of course Andrew Ridgeley’s recent refusal to participate in a Wham! reunion. George Michael could not be contacted for comment as he was busy maintaining what used to be considered a naturally black five o-clock shadow.

The California Raisins are scheduled to perform five shows at the famed Beacon Theater in New York City the first week of November. Whoopie Goldberg is scheduled for nothing else.

HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)

A jury found the 29 year old star of Superbad guilty this morning on 14 counts of only getting laid because he was lucky enough to know Judd Apatow. This concludes a lengthy trial surrounded in controversy and a media circus. Sentencing is scheduled for early next week.

Mr. Rogen was first brought into custody on May 20th as a result of a sting operation. When the Green Hornet actor answered in the affirmative after being asked by late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel if he believed his fiancé truly loved him authorities swarmed the set, restraining Rogen without difficulty. “Even for a city of denial and delusion that was just a little too much,” said SWAT team leader Jim Caranahan, “if he’d only gotten a prenup and kept banging hookers he’d still be a free man right now.” Referring to the twelve step program which first became popular when Jonah Hill realized you can pay for sex.

Fat and even slightly pudgy actors are being extra careful at night around the city citing the now dangerous environment. Police Chief Art Bilby held a press conference moments ago, “pay extra attention to your surroundings. If someone approaches you that you don’t recognize, it’s probably because you’re famous.” Celebrities are being urged to have sex with strangers but only once and to work on a buddy system.