GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

BEVERLY HILLS, CA (USA)

After a decade long search the body of Val Kilmer was found this morning in his place of residence. He was found alive and well and reportedly unaware of the fact that people thought he was missing. According to a statement released earlier today from the District Attorney’s office: when authorities rushed into the Beverly Hills residence they found the once famous actor “eating a sandwich” and “watching The Doors” on blue ray DVD and “somewhat startled.”

“I’ve made like fifteen movies since Heat,” Kilmer had to say during police interviews, “nobody saw them?” The mention of the movie Heat immediately reminded the public of what the fine actor was once capable of and spurned an immediate search for the freshly declared missing person. This search concluded an hour later again at Mr. Kilmer’s residence where he was again found alive and well and enjoying what was believed to be a second sandwich.

Although fans are celebrating across the country there is however mixed emotion amongst public opinion. One San Diego resident described his bittersweet attitude, “it’s great that they found him alive but he can’t ever be the same, not after going through an experience like that.” It is believed that Mr. Kilmer will enter a psychiatric program to help him cope with the post-traumatic stress of being held captive for so long from loved ones, friends, and good career choices.

HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)

In a statement released earlier this morning from the third chair at Fransisco’s Day Spa, famed Hollywood celeberty Jake Gyllenhaal claimed that his mission was set forward to dispel any rumors of a possible homosexual lifestyle. “Have you seen the men I’ve fucked? Darling please,” after several rolls of his eyes he continued, “if im gay I obviously have no clue what I’m doing.”

Allegations as to Mr. Gyllenhaal’s lifestyle began several months ago during his preparations for a yet to be conceived Brokeback Mountain sequel. “Of course they’ll do another one, and I want to be ready when they do,” was the Donnie Darko star’s reasoning. The public is in full support of the talent and believes he will succeed this difficult period. “It’s a crazy idea but it might just work,” stated one man who claims to possibly have seen or at least played Prince of Persia, “I mean it’s no Tom Cruise method.” Referring of course to sleeping with good looking men in private.

The gay community, disappointed to find out Mr. Gyllenhaal would be their latest addition, released this statement, “we take no responsibility for the actor’s actions. Citing the famous case of Bowie v. Sleeping with Men there is still a possibility for a hopeful outcome,” later adding, “although David Bowie is pretty cool so we wouldn’t mind taking him back.”

Locked into previous engagements including three DVR’ed episodes of Dancing with the Stars and a Grey’s Anatomy marathon, Mr. Gyllenhaal could not be reached for comment.

HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)

Earlier today on the Regis and Kelly morning talk show Matthew McConaughey revealed his recent discovery that he has been a long time actor. The startling revelation was made less than a week before during a visit to doctors in preparation for his next picture. “I just had no idea. I was dead certain I was a used car salesman from Corpus Christi,” McConaughey had to say. Later in the episode an official statement of apology was issued, “you see this kind of thing happen to Nicholas Cage but you never think it can happen in your own home.”

When asked how his entire career could go so unnoticed doctor’s explanations were simple, “the mind is a fragile thing. In this case, he’s just a fucking idiot.” Mr. McConaughey has rented a private screening room at Paramount Studios and is expected to view his entire filmography. Staff have already been notified and are on 24 hour suicide watch. The nation’s fingers are crossed for Failure to Launch.

The mix-up is believed to have began in 1993 on the set of Dazed and Confused when Mr. McConaughey is believed to have wandered onto set discussing the advantages of sexually harassing High School females. “I remember that day clearly,” McConaughey said when reporters questioned him, “so those weren’t real High School females?” The disappointment is expected to only continue as the now admitted star pays closer attention to his own life.

STANFORD, CT (USA)

Privately funded scientists have been working for over a decade to disprove the common held belief that Pink Floyd’s The Wall is a “masterpiece.” Months of hypothesizing was followed by experiments involving “not getting high” and “actually listening to the entire album.” Head researcher Tim Czhornak had this to say, “I’m not saying it’s terrible. It has a few good songs but to speak honestly, it’s no Theater of Pain.” Referring to Motley Crue’s 1985 classic that spawned over six songs that drunk white trash still sing along to at local bars.

This sent High School teens and twenty-something white girls who generally listen to hip hop anyway into an outrage. “It’s a masterpiece,” declared one Russian émigré whose other interests include Iron Maiden and calculator wristwatches. Students staged protests around the nation, disrupting industry by blaring Rage Against the Machine and Public Enemy from large monitors reportedly “paid for by their parents.” Pink Floyd’s The Wall has yet to receive airplay.

It is not just students and cool dads that are refusing to accept the newly discovered theory. Roger Waters spoke on behalf of the album this afternoon, “the album is a masterpiece, I wrote every track and as a whole it inspired the world over. Only good came from this album!” Following its release Roger Waters was released from his contract and the quartet never significantly reunited again. The only time the original members appeared on stage together since has been during a Live 8 performance in 2005 that was reported by members of the band as being “awkward” and by fans as “they’re a lot older than we remembered.”

Hollywood, CA (USA)

Earlier this morning sources have been reporting that Nicolas Cage has beaten the odds and has fully regained his hearing after being struck with tinnitus some time after making Adaptation. Cage first noticed signs of hearing loss on the set of Ridley Scott’s Matchstick Men but doctors only declared him completely deaf sometime before production was set to start on The Weather Man. When asked why the public was never informed about the disability Cage explained that it was a family matter.

Larry Gold, Cage’s longtime agent released this statement, “Mr. Cage could not be more pleased. This has to be a miracle. He is now taking the time to sit down and review the films he made during this difficult period.” Mr. Gold was fired twenty minutes into World Trade Center. There is a press conference scheduled for later this afternoon and it is expected that Nicolas Cage will retire from the craft of acting. “It’s the obvious decision,” Cage had to say this morning during a radio interview. He then sadly admitted he will not be able to take Al Pacino with him, who suffered from a gravel eating incident nearly a decade ago.

Doctor’s are already writing about the anomaly for medical journals around the country. “This is truly great news, a cure. Just imagine all the people who will now be forced to listen to themselves,” a Connecticut ear nose and throat doctor wrote. The source of the cure is still being debated but it is believed to have occurred while Cage was forced to review footage from his upcoming Ghost Rider sequel. An audio technician from inside the studio to remain nameless had this to say, “everything was fine till his ears just started bleeding. He began clawing at them wildly begging for quick death. My tolerance has been built up over the years. He I guess just wasn’t used to it. Too much, it was too much.”

In other news it is being reported that doctors diagnosed Tim Burton as blind since Planet of the Apes and Mickey Rourke as just plain stupid.

Hollywood, California (USA)

Early this morning Steven Tyler’s face released a statement to the press that if Mr. Tyler’s actions concerning drug use do not cease and desist that it will sever all ties with the rock star.

Trouble began for the pair last Summer when the band Aerosmith’s summer tour had to be cut short due to injuries Mr. Tyler sustained after a fall off of a stage during one of the bands performances. The famous lead singer had been showing erratic behavior. “He’s definitely on something,” the band had to say.

Tyler’s face denied any ripples in the relationship until this morning. “I just can’t take anymore of it. I mean, come on, look at me. Do I look like I can take anymore drugs?”

According to federal statutes the level of ugly a man’s face can have is being dangerously tested by Mr. Tyler. According to New York State Chief Judge Jonathan Lippman, “if Steven Tyler’s face gets any uglier, the government would certainly be forced to get involved.”

Mr. Tyler’s camp released this statement: “It is unfortunate that his face feels the way it does however we feel strongly in our defense. There have been many victories in similar cases in the past including Keith Richards, Amy Winehouse, and that dude who married Heidi Klum.” GNN would like to clarify that Seal was a special case not involving drugs.

The union, having lasted over 60 years, is one of the longest in the industry and has left many insiders jaded as to the future. “If they split then anyone is fair game,” Elton John had to add, himself having famously separated from his heterosexuality in 1988.

The remaining members of Aerosmith are actively searching for a replacement lead singer and plan an American tour in the Summer of 2010.

Hollywood, California (USA)

With recent events in Haiti, Hollywood’s most talented and brightest washed up losers are banding together for a second go around. In 1985 Michael Jackson teamed up with famed music producer Quincy Jones to shake down, initially just the leading performers of the day but eventually the masses to donate $45 million dollars to help fight AIDS by penning and releasing the hit single We Are The World.

Aids, having already outlived many of the original participants of the We Are The World sensation has taken a back seat to an earth quake that shook the nation of Haiti several weeks ago. Registering 7.0 on the Richter scale, the quake ripped the ground apart reminding Haitians that there do in fact exist lower depths of hell, as opposed to just the one they reside in on Earth.

News outlets have been broadcasting footage of homeless nude Haitian children roaming the rubbled streets of post destruction. This prompted an immediate response from recently deceased entertainer Michael Jackson.

The decaying star had this to say, “I could not just sit down and watch what was going on. I had to do something, I had to act.” Mr. Jackson began the laborious task of assembling the original talents associated with the famous track. “I searched the afterworld for days only to discover Bob Dylan was in fact still alive.”

First to sign on board with the reunion was Dan Akroyd. This almost prompted an immediate collapse of the project but Huey Lewis and Kenny Loggins assured everyone that “shit would be cool. Come on you guys.”

The project is slated for completion late next week with a release date in the vicinity of Fall 2011. Record label executives are confident the project will proceed smoothly and that release dates will not need to be pushed back, however “that is still a possibility.”

Hollywood, California (USA)

After a long stint in what was believed to be development hell When The Laughter Dies was greenlit by Paramount Studios after a firm commitment by Eddie Murphy to star in a supporting role. Eddie Murphy, having starred in Coming to America along side Arsenio Hall has a strong grasp and knowledge of the character. “I can definitely nail this role, I was born for it,” Eddie expressed, “ I’ve known the man very well for some years now and believe I can do him justice.”

Mos Def, of the rap duo Black Star, has been slated to appear as the title character of the picture. He promises as ground breaking a performance as he has delivered consistently in each film since his acting career began. “I’ll be slightly less retarded than in 16 Blocks but definitely more than in The Italian Job,” Mr. Def promised his fans. Arsenio Hall, former somebody, was not contacted about the project.

The release date is scheduled for Fall of 2010, falling in the thick of competition for awards season. Brad Grey, CEO and Chairman of Paramount Pictures feels strongly about the project and believes it has a shot at strong box office showing and critical reception, “This is one of our proudest tent pole films of the year.”

Also on the way from Paramount is the erotic thriller Sensual Diaries and the good cop bad cop mystery, Bad and Busty. Leading detective, Cherry Blossoms, must resolve the murder of her former partner, by having lots and lots of sex, and a scene where she just splashes around naked in a Jacuzzi.

The critics are lined up and this is starting to look like a promising movie season.