CHICAGO, IL (USA)
A new protest group has developed in downtown Chicago seeking to protest the current activities of those protesting this weekend’s NATO summit. “I hate protesters,” says Make Radcliff, who traveled here from Portland, Oregon to take a stand against the NATO protesters. “They tie up traffic and make fools of themselves at the expense of civilized society. I’m going to stand here in the street with my face painted yellow until they stop it.”
This new group, known as Students Against Protesting Students (SAPS), has sought to bring attention to the growing danger of protestors. Steve Charles, founder of the group brushes off criticism of the SAPS.
“A lot of people have been critical of us SAPS because they say our motive is ambiguous. But if being ambiguous is what it takes to grab attention to our cause, then we will or will not, to some sort of degree, be somewhat ambiguous, I think.
When confronted with the argument that NATO protesters are simply exercising their first amendment right of free speech, Charles countered that the SAPS have the same right. “I have the same right to argue that the protesters have no right to speak. In fact, I think freedom of speech is destroying America, and I’m going make sure everyone knows it–even if I might offend some people who don’t like hearing that.”
The organization has also been criticized for being fragmented and not unified in its goals. In fact, certain members of SAPS that are against fractionalization within the group, plan to break off into a separate group, focusing instead on protesting the existence of splinter groups.
Bob Eichelberg
bobeichelberg@gmail.com
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ZURICH, SWITZERLAND
For the first time in over 100 years Victorinox, the Swiss Army knife company, is adding a new feature to its famed knife – a roach clip. The idea to add the marijuana joint extension helper came during a convention for retired Swiss Army officers in Amsterdam. When it became apparent a corkscrew or scissors would not extend the life of a marijuana cigarette, one former Swiss Officer was heard to say, “Frankly, we’d rather toke than fight… Why not do something to show it?” The new Swiss Army Knife can be bought online at swissarmy.com/roachclipsrus/product. The company also announced plans for next year’s convention to be held in Cali, Columbia. The spokesman issued a statement as to whether that trip might result in a cocaine spoon being the next added accessory but spoke too fast for anyone to understand the answer.
By Paul Lander
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
In the tradition of Godzilla versus King Kong, the teaming of two giant film franchises was announced today in what the studio hopes will be the next big blockbuster – “Star Trek vs. Rocky: The Wrath of Arthritis.” Although script details remain hush-hush, a source reports it all begins when Captain Kirk and crew pay a visit to Rocky’s Philadelphia, only to get into legal trouble when they forget to shut off the turn signal light on the Star Ship Enterprise. Rocky takes offense to this “dissing” of his hometown and the ensuing drama culminates with Rocky, despite hip replacement surgery, making his way, one last time, up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum. Reports indicate that multiple corporate sponsors have signed lucrative product placement deals. In fact, a spokesman for Pfizer announced that its popular ED drug Viagra would play a prominent role in the film. “Let’s just say,” the spokesman said, “The term ‘beam Me Up, Scotty’ will take on all kinds of new meaning.”
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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TULSA, OK (USA)
In what was described as the Miracle at Marie Calendars after a waitress’s narcoleptic fit caused a major Boysenberry Pie stain to occur on one of the restaurant’s walls. Immediately, customers began debating whether it looked like the Madonna, Jesus’ mother, or Madonna, the pop icon. Within hours competing interests had surrounded the establishment. One local clergyman said, “I don’t know whether to pray to it or give it an exorcism.” By day three, religious pilgrims and fans of the “Material Girl” had to be separated: One group chanting “Like a Virgin!” The other,” Is a Virgin!” The incident was resolved when an unknown person commented, “I think it looks like Kevin Federline.” Numerous protestors remarked “who?” But, upon being told, “The one who was married to Brittany Spears,” agreement was reached. The Kevin Federline Fan Club tried to protest the wall’s cleaning, but those two people got tired and went home.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
Replacing one egomaniac with another, CurrentTV announced fallen Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak will join its TV Line-up in a new show tentatively called “Party Like A Despot.” The show will replace the canceled “Countdown with Keith Olbermann.” Mubarak stated, “I need to lay low while awaiting trial and I’m confident nobody will ever be able to find me on CurrentTV.” CurrentTV promises viewers will learn how to “Party Like Despot” in episodes like “I Just Got A Camel To Confess To War Crimes, Now Let’s Dance,” “Water Boarding: Game Night Winner,” and “Electric Prod: The Ultimate Party Starter.” And, for teenagers, a variation on an old kissing game called “Spin The Dissident.” Mubarak added “Thanks to CurrentTV, I can’t wait to NOT to be seen by billions of people around the globe.”
The show will air on Time/Warner’s Channel 234234, viewers are warned to go directly to the network, channel surfing to find it can cause Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. Olbermann was quoted as saying, “I can only wish Hosni becomes as obscure as I did on CurrentTV. My own mailman recently asked me, ‘Didn’t you used to be that Keith Olberman guy?’” In a related story Bravo Network announced due the fall of Mubarak, Khaddafi, etc., it is scrapping plans for it’s fall series “Real Dictators of the Middle East.”
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LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
The American Diabetes Society released a study showing a direct link between listening to Barry Manilow songs and diabetes. Scientists played the song “Mandy” over and over again to one group of lab rats, fed another group only “Coco Puffs” cereal and used a control group to perform the study. The rats that were forced to listen to Manilow 24/7 came down with the disease 20% more frequent than the “Coco Puff” rats and 75% more than the control group. Dr. Fritz Koslow who led the study said, “Apparently nothing is more sugary sweet than a Manilow tune. We will be asking that all Manilow tunes come with a warning, ‘I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Need Insulin.’”
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LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
NetFlix today announced plans to bail itself out of its financial and PR nightmares. Using their movie distribution formula, they’ll take on the field of marijuana distribution with the opening of NetFix. For a fee of just $250 a month, NetFix will mail out an initial packet of seven marijuana delivery systems (or, joints, as they are more commonly known.) Customers will then mail back the used marijuana delivery system and another one will be sent out immediately. For $350 a month, the customer can opt for the Bob Marley special package – “Rasta Reefer Madness” – that will include extra large-sized individually wrapped 100% Jamaican product and a collectible Marley commemorative “Roach Clip.” Buyers will also be able to mix and match product from around the world. Choices include: Maui Wowie, Tijuana Grass, Congo Cannabis and a special brand just for the ladies, Mary Jane Lite. NetFix plans to begin advertising next spring with the slogan: NetFix: You’ll Flip Your Lid Over It.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
With a new baseball season just around the hot corner, Roger Clemens announced he was coming in clean in a new book entitled “Steroids, My Ass.” In a leaked portion of the book, Clemens reveals he did buy HGH and Steroids not for himself, but for Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. Sources were able to verify that Clemens and Selig were seen entering a Men’s Room together in a Toronto area hotel and that on the same night Selig was heard complaining about not being able to sit down because of what he claimed at the time was a hemorrhoid problem. When reporters contacted Selig’s office for confirmation about said hemorrhoid problem, they were informed the Commissioner was in his office showing off how his weight lifting program allowed him to rip the Mitchell Report in half with his bare hands. Clemens further claimed he bought the HGH and Steroids from former Senator Mitchell. When told, Mitchell denied the claim saying there was no proof, Clemens told reporters: “Proof, I don’t need no stinkin’ proof. I got something better… Photoshop.”
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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DETROIT, MI (USA)
GM in attempt to go greener than any of its rivals announced the successful test run of the THC, a car that runs on mixture of traditional gasoline and hemp. GM explained that by using hemp as part of its “Go Green” initiative they plan to put the “High” in Hybrid. Although the car will emit exhaust fumes the only expected consequence is some passersby might experience a craving for Cheese Nachos, Pringles and baked goods. GM said it plans to use the technology for mass transit devices and has already gotten an order from an unnamed city for the vehicle they are calling the “Canni-bus.” The automaker has set a target date of 2014 to release three different sizes of the Hemponal Vehicle: The Cheech, The Chong, and the Snoop DeVille.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
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HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
The International Space Object Naming Registry announced original 1960’s Star Trek co-star George Takei now has an asteroid named after him. When Takei was told of the honor that makes him officially a heavenly body, he remarked in his usual good natured baritone: “Wow, I’m now so far out of the closet I’m in outer space.” Asked if Takei was the first openly gay person to have an object in outer space named after them, a Registry spokeswoman said, “No, one of the Gemini twins. Gay. Orion… let’s just say his arrow went both ways. And, don’t get us started on the origins of Uranus.”
The registry also announced that a comet was being named after Paris Hilton. Mostly, because it apparently has no real purpose, appeared out of nowhere and no one can figure out how to get rid of it.
Paul Lander
Jokeguy1@yahoo.com
http://offthelawn.com/About.html
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