LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
This morning it was announced that singer and “actress” Whitney Houston passed away from still undetermined causes. Within minutes of hearing of the death of the 48 year old, executives from her record label quickly booked an emergency meeting to explore all ideas on how to fully exploit the situation for maximum profits. “So far, we are pleased with the results….I mean, devastated by what happened. We have heard the body has cooled considerably, making her come back less likely….er, I mean, we are saddened to hear,” stated one record company employee. Already, editors have begun pasting together a shoddy, full length, 3D Imax concert/biography movie. Work has also started on assembling a CD box set of all her music, including many “lost” tapes and “never heard before” tracks that have mysteriously popped up out of nowhere. And several reworked and remastered editions of “The Bodyguard” are being prepared, with extra footage, hilarious outtakes and an intimate concert experience with Kevin Costner.
As funeral arrangements are being made, the Jackson family is reportedly trying to figure out how they can capitalize on the event. Tito has written a song which the family is calling, “The greatest anthem to Whitney ever written.” Rumours are for a planned wardrobe malfunction to bring further attention to the family whose spokesperson stated, “Any press is good press, right?” As well, civil rights icon, Jesse Jackson is writing his speech in which he is set to talk about how inspirational he was to her. Al Sharpton is also expected to attend and ramble on about something. As well, reports are that an illegitimate daughter has been found in Texas who is being groomed to make a “tear jerking” speech that is “sure to bring the house down.” Already, the Westboro Baptist Church has made plans to picket the wedding saying that, “She once knew someone who was gay and didn’t chastise them properly enough about it, and this is why she died! God hates gays and people who aren’t assholes to them!”
Tabloids have begun to seek out photos of the death scene and any embarrassing or stunning facts surrounding the death for print as soon as physically possible. If anyone, from anywhere on the planet, has any idea whatsoever of what may or may have not happened to Whitney in her final “dramatic minutes” before her death, they are being advised not to contact police, but to contact local tabloid offices.
De La Chris Hearn
snfu73@yahoo.com
ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT
A local kegger thrown by Masad Khalid, junior ‘13, was met with success last Saturday night. “Khalid is infamous for his lavish festivities and Saturday was no exception,” Zohar Lhaloui exclaimed. Perhaps the most memorable part of the night was the beer pyramid or “Beeramid” constructed by Khalid and three dozen other students. Khalid and his friends failed to the see the irony in their gesture, completely ignorant of the history of thier nation, perhaps the oldest civilization on planet Earth. “We had all these dead soldiers lying around,” Mohammed Aluyim explained (in reference to the empty beer cans) “that’s when Masad had the bright idea to pool all our sources together a build a pyramid…but out of beer cans!”
The Beeramid idea was not met without some hesitation. Some students wished for a more constructive use of the cans. “I thought it would be cool to build a huge tower to reach the heavens,” Alya Paqan added; “yet when I tried to tell my friends they couldn’t understand me. Maybe the music was too loud.” Another reference lost on the student body of the University of Egypt.
Khalid and his friends reveled in the completion of the Beeramid. This included ceremoniously pouring out a little bit of beer to honor the gods of the Beeramid before they drank. Khalid himself dubbed the monument the Great Beeramid of Giza.
“Building that thing was hard work,” reports Khalid, maybe we can get the exchange students from Israel to pitch in next time.
Phil Biedron
philbiedroncomedy.com
WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)
Shortly after the New Year, the G.O.P. nomination will begin to come into focus beginning with the Iowa Caucus in January. The G.O.P. primary so far as been a back and forth race with leaders like Herman Cain and Michelle Bachmann at one time leading and then falling back in the polls. On the other side, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich at one time polled as low as 2%, now leads in the polls with some results showing as high as a 10 point lead over #2 candidate Mitt Romney. Political Analysts have reported however that Newt’s comeback poll numbers leading into the Holiday season have less to do with his political policies, and more to do with his resemblance to Santa Clause.
Political analysts have theorized that this was no accident by the Gingrich camp, but an attempt to stomp out any Gingrich / Grinch associations before they could happen. “We wanted to make sure that people would make a positive association this holiday season since Gingrich & Grinch sound so much alike, and obviously because of Newt’s tendency to sneak into people’s houses on Christmas Eve and steal small children’s presents.” Gingrich has been seen on the campaign trail doing Santa Clause related activities, such as letting children sit on his lap, wearing red with a long white beard, and kissing your mother.
WASHINGTON DC. D.C. (USA)
Herman Cain, after rampant accusations of sexual harassment has elected to drop his bid for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America. Cain has since stated that his reputation in the business community may be too damaged to return to his previous duties, and has elected to accept and offer to star in the upcoming TV reboot of cult blaxploitation character Shaft.
“I have to consider my options,” said Cain in and exclusive GNN interview, “and right now the American people see me as a strong black man with attitude who loooooooooooves the pussy. Who better to play Shaft? Besides, ‘It’s my duty to please that booty’ was going to be my original campaign slogan before my campaign manager talked me out of it.
Cain stated that he was going to use many of Shaft’s classic one liners, such as “When you lead your revolution, whitey better be standing still because you don’t run worth a damn no more,” and “Don’t let your mouth get your ass in trouble. “ However, he is excited at the opportunity to try and incorporate some of his own one liner’s, such as “Girl I got some pepperoni for that pizza,” as well as “YOU GONNA SERVE 9-9-9 TO LIFE MOTHA FUCKA!!!”
BUFFALO, NY (USA)
Representatives of Charles Larson, a local Buffalo New York native, have filed a suit against The Light of The Holy Mother Catholic Church in the amount of “17 years worth of Sunday Football.” The suit lists the complaint as “The Defendant, Charles Larson, after attending services from the age of 12 to 29 years old, has prayed to God to help the Buffalo Bills win the Superbowl. After investing 17 years of his life, Charles has not seen a return on his investment, Subsequently, Charles feels The Light of The Holy Mother Catholic Church engaged in misleading tactics to draw him into services every Sunday, and is therefore entitled to compensation in the amount of 17 years worth of Sunday Football.”
“When I first started attended Mass at The Light of The Holy Mother Catholic Church the father told me that God was a Buffalo Bills fan. I prayed and prayed and in the 90’s, I thought my prayers were going to come true…but I’ve kept praying, and in the last 12 years The Bills haven’t even made it into the post season! WHY IS GOD TESTING ME LIKE THIS! WHY DOES HE HAVE MASS ON SUNDAY IF YOU AREN”T SUPPOSED TO PRAY FOR FOOTBALL!”
The case is expected to be thrown out before it ever gets to trial. Local Judge Thomas Amodeo said “This is a ridiculous case, as you can’t sue someone and be expected to be paid in football games. It’s very clear saying God is a Buffalo Bills fan was meant to be a joke and was not misleading. If anything, God is a Steelers fan, because only God has the power to protect a rapist with an arm like that.”
Rob DeSantis
www.twitter.com/robdcomedy
SYRACUSE, NY (USA)
A local park in Syracuse New York became the most recent site of the Westboro Baptists Church protesting. The protestors, who have made a home in the New York area recently since the passing of the state’s law allowing Gay Marriage, have moved onto protesting other forms of marriage they find an abomination. In this case, the target of their outrage was a local dog wedding between Mr. Sprinkles and Princess. Attendees who showed up to the wedding expecting a fun afternoon, were met with heckling and posters with slogans such as “All Dogs Go to Hell” as well as “Doggy Style = Devil Style.”
“Marriage is supposed to be the sacred union between a man and a woman!” said Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church. “This is an abomination and an affront to God! First the gays and now dogs! This is exactly what I said would happen if we let the gays marry! It was Adam and Eve, not Astro and Scooby Doo!”
Attendees tried to politely explain to the protestors that a “Dog Wedding” is in no way meant to be a religious union of two dogs, and is mostly just a meeting of local dog owners for a fun day at the park for their dogs to play and get dressed up in fun outfits. Phelps responded “That sounds like Logic to me! Logic is the devils language!”
Rob DeSantis
www.twitter.com/robdcomedy
NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)
Since September 17, 2011, Occupy Wall Street, the protest movement started in New York City, has taken off by leaps and bounds. Shortly after its inception, similar demonstrations have popped up in 70 major cities and over 600 communities in the U.S. as well as taken off in over 900 cities worldwide. While the number of people involved in the protest is hard to determine, statisticians have successfully concluded that this movement has definitely set a record for the largest number of people masturbating on public property.
Famous political statistician Rupert Charleston (also known as Numbers McCalculus), spoke with The Global News Network. “It is difficult to determine exactly how many people are involved in the protest,” said Charleston, “however what we can say for sure is that the average adult male, trying to refrain from sexual gratification can go an average of 3-4 days without pleasuring himself. In isolated incidents, there have been recorded cases of males holding out upwards of two weeks. However, this movement has been going on for a month and a half, and many of these protesters have been living on public property. So you see, the question isn’t whether the record for most people masturbating on public property has been broken or not, the question is, statistically speaking, how could it not have been?”
This news has increased already high public sanitation concerns, however, does explain some of videos of police violence. Said one police officer: “What? I wasn’t being violent spraying him with a hose! I was just trying to give that nice young man a cold shower…”
Rob DeSantis
www.twitter.com/robdcomedy
NEW YORK, NY (USA)
In an NYU study of Halloween trends since the start of the economic downturn, a disturbing trend has been found. The study has revealed that young adults have been spending more money each year on Halloween costumes, while having less of a disposable income. On average this most recent Halloween has seen many young adults spending between $80 and $150 on costumes, which is equal to the amount of money many of these young adults spend on clothing over the course of 6 months to a full year. Many of these costumes include extensive make up, hair styling, in addition to clothing and clothing accessories that are purchased solely for one house party or night of bar hopping.
What makes this situation worse is the lack of people impressed by these efforts. Costume goers polled the day after Halloween reported on average a mere 4 people total showing positive or very positive reactions to their costumes. One disappointed Halloweener, Jon Green, shared his experience with us. “I knew since last March that I wanted to be Spider-man for Halloween,” he stated. “I did everything right. I hired a cosplayer to design my costume, I started hitting the gym hard to build muscle mass to look the part, I dyed my hair in case I had to take off the mask so I looked more like Peter Parker. I did everything right.” When asked how it was received, “Everyone, and I mean everyone at the party went all out like I did. Everyone was too into their own costumes to want to compliment anyone else’s. It was like performing at an open mic.”
Sadly, there seems to be no end in sight. The study has shown despite similar experiences over the past three years, young adults are making the same investments with no boost in their self esteem. For many, Halloween is seen as a chance to show oneself off, feel attractive, and look clever without having talk or perform other socially involved tasks. Though this may seem dismal for many, perhaps one day this will force people to become more creative. People making costumes that really speak about the world we live in or wish to live in. Not overpopulated with whatever was a box office smash the previous summer, or steam punk zombies or similarly bad ideas. A spokesman from NYU stated, however, “We sincerely doubt that will ever be the case.”
Joe Corallo
joseph.coral@gmail.com
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
“It was like being at a live performance,” said Margaret Adams, a local Caucasian woman, “we showed up and paid eight dollars to see some boring old movie, and luckily we were in a theater with a black man.” She continued, “It was like he was shouting all the things that we were sitting politely thinking in our heads. I knew it was going to be good from the start, when the movie started it said ‘A Spike Lee Joint’, and the man yelled ‘I WANT TO ROLL THAT UP AND SMOKE IT!’ I mean, you can’t write humor that funny.”
Harvard Scientists have shown that African American’s have statistically raised the movie going experience by 53%. Many theaters nationwide have began hiring African American’s to simply sit in on various new releases, and provide commentary during the movie. Of course, this hiring practice has raised some eyebrows, as hiring individuals simply based off of race is unfair hiring practice, and in many cases is illegal. However those hiring have stated that they are trying to hire for a specific entertainment role, much like a script would call for a character of a specific race in a movie or television show, so the practice is not illegal or racist.
The leader of the N.A.A.C.P. (National Association for the Advancement of Caucasian People) Mel Gibson spoke out. “It is racist and unfair hiring practice to only consider African American’s for these positions. Of course it’s a job in the entertainment industry…so I think we all know who to blame for this.” Mel then pointed at his nose and winked at the camera.
Rob DeSantis
www.robdesantiscomedy.com
NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)
Today a child who had been occupying a Uterus for the past 9 months finally gave up on his protest and evacuated the area he had inhabited. Much like the Occupy Wall Street movement, the child, who has since been named “Timmy” had created a home for himself setting up a small livable space, receiving what little nourishment came his way, and wouldn’t leave even to use the bathroom. “It was a difficult decision” said Timmy, “but at the end of the day it had been so long, I couldn’t even remember why I was there in the first place. I remember there were literally hundreds of thousands of us who started this movement, and 9 months later I was the only one left. It makes you wonder what it was all for, you know?“
Timmy, perhaps taking a page from various environmental protesters, chained himself to the Uterus using a cord, and refused to separate himself from that cord or evacuate the premises. “Originally we all wanted to stand up to the top .001% of sperm who actually become children,” explained Timmy, “but through this whole process it turns out I wasn’t one of the unlucky 99.999%, I was the in the .001%. When I think back, I wonder if the last 9 months was a mistake.” Moments after the interview, Timmy’s parents later confirmed that Timmy was in fact a mistake.
Rob DeSantis
www.robdesantiscomedy.com
The Editor
robdcomedy
