GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

TOKYO, JAPAN

Red Hot Rising Sun Productions has been fined over a million yen following the distribution of an uncensured pornographic DVD. The title in question was 20,000 Leagues Under the Erotic Sea, a feature in their tentacle line of fetish films. In the movie several young females are attacked by sea creatures while aboard a boarding school cruise liner. They are repeatedly sodomized by the tentacles of an octopus while being doused in a combination of apple juice and honey. Controversy arose when for several seconds a grown man’s erect penis makes an appearance halfway into the movie. According to Japanese law any and all genitals must be blurred out before public distribution.

“We are not a nation that believes in the perversion of our morals,” state official Akira Tanaka explained, “it may be considered old fashioned by western standards but certain things are best left for the imagination.” The production company’s public relations department released a statement this morning, “in over ten thousand tentacle porn productions this was the first case of a visible penis. Clearly the result of negligence with no intent of malice. We apologize and plan to pay the fine accordingly.”

The public is outraged and is demanding even stricter regulation over the adult film industry. “Accidents like this should not happen,” a local adult film enthusiast had to say. He continued to explain that the inclusion of an erect penis in the tentacle and apple juice pornography left him nauseated and distressed. He was undecided when asked if there were plans to seek legal counsel.

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Reports are slowly coming in that North Korean dictator and weird game show enthusiast Kim Jong Il has passed leaving behind a legacy of dictatorship and weird game shows. He will be missed by the two or three people who could actually have proved he existed in the first place.

The people of North Korea are expected to begin competing almost immediately with China for jobs that once belonged to Americans forcing President Obama to make serious faces yet do absolutely nothing. Current dictator of Russia, Vladimir Putin issued a statement of condolence and referenced Michael Mann’s 1992 classic Last of the Mohicans. Official statement is expected from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran in a fortnight, once the messenger donkey reaches the Capital notifying their government of the news.

TRIPOLI, LIBYA

In a surprising turn of events Libyan Dictator Moammar Gadhafi was discovered dead this morning after coworkers spent two days convincing people he was still alive. Coroners concluded he had died sometime last Friday night and foul play is suspected. This comes as a complete shock to all those who had spent the weekend partying with the famed dictator.

It is believed the two coworkers had been keeping the illusion that the former leader was still alive through a series of strings and levers. Jonathan Silverman confessed, “we knew it was a bad idea but first one person thought he was alive then another and his movements were already pretty mechanical so…” Mr. Silverman was cut off by long time companion and surprisingly still working actor Andrew McCarthy. “We were just trying to keep the religious warlords away. Gadhafi was like a religious warlord scarecrow,” McCarthy had to say, “now this country definitely won’t get an Arby’s.”

Libya is now reported as being in the control of religious warlords. Head cleric Mahmud Al Jazeeri released this statement, “there is no way you are getting an Arby’s now.” The rebels celebrated the new free Libya by singing, dancing, and machine gunning anyone who differed from them in belief or appearance.

MEK’ELE, ETHIOPIA

Assefa Abate, president of production at the Mek’ele Broadcasting Station declared today a marked change in direction for the network, “we can no longer be last in the world and have decided to make the move into reality television.” The new flagship show has been unveiled to be an African version of the popular American show Man vs. Food. “It will be entirely original though,” Abate continued, “in our version man doesn’t eat the food, but rather competes with it.” In each episode a hungry contestant is paired with a Gazelle and the competition centers around which will eat that night.

Controversy is already circulating over news that for the current first 38 episodes filmed, Man generally had the upper hand. “Either the human contestants are too hungry or the Gazelles just aren’t hungry enough,” Abate explained. He promised that the African’s would not be fed as to not tamper with the integrity of the show however when played with the issue of feeding the animals less was met with strong opposition from animal rights groups such as PETA.

Group spokesperson Janet Eckstein released this statement on behalf of her organization, “we will not allow for animals to be treated in an inhuman fashion. We will use everything at our disposal to negotiate a better solution to the ratings problem.” After several hours of negotiations network head Assefa Abate released news that for the second season of the show the harmless Gazelles would predominantly be replaced with averagely fed Leopards and an occasional Alligator. Ratings are believed to sky rocket for the show as the life expectancy in the impoverished region is surprisingly believed to be unaffected. “Aids is pretty bad,” was the explanation by a Virginia man who would never dare visit the region.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA

In a startling turn of events former Russian President and current Soviet Man of the People Vladimir Putin has reunited the Soviet Union and stepped into power under what he describes as “eastern democracy.” When asked to elaborate his statement current Man of the People Putin explained “eastern democracy is like western democracy but without the voting.” It is believed that the former nation of Ukraine is opposed to the current events however a majority of the population could not be contacted from within their train currently bound for Siberia.

Putin spoke earlier this morning to the people of his nation, calming their nerves as to the country’s future. He explained that between him and his dim witted field mouse friend named Pinky the nation was bound for international glory. When criticized for plagiarism due to similarities between a speech delivered by a Chancellor of Germany in 1934 Putin responded firmly, “it is ridiculous to believe that I intend to kill Jews.” Referring to the fact that a majority of the nation’s Jewish population had already fled during previous decades of oppression. The speech was concluded with announcement of the construction of several new summer camps located in the states of Georgia, Uzbekistan, and Kyrgyzstan. “Not just for kids,” Putin spoke and smiled, “it’s the new slogan, what do you think?” GNN reporters were later explained what to think and sentenced to two years labor for political espionage.

President Obama immediately addressed the people of the United States in what he later described as his own attempt to calm the nerves of a worrisome nation. He argued that congress has to work together on a bipartisan decision of whether to pledge allegiance to China or the newly reformed Soviet Union. “We will make the right decision and by week’s end you’ll know which Rosetta Stone to purchase.”

ISTANBUL, TURKEY

Amid current NBA lockout many players have been reported to be seeking refuge in foreign leagues. It came as no shock this morning when Mr. Bryant’s agent Rob Pelinka released news of the star’s new contract and relocation. “Kobe is happy and proud to announce that he is the latest and only ever addition to the historic Istanbul Rockets.” When asked if he could handle the new workload of being an entire roster Bryant spoke with his usual candor, “it’ll be difficult to adjust but seeing as how the Rockets are the only existing team in the league I think I’ll manage.” Bryant is expected to spend the duration of the season jumping over cars, trucks, and single engine airplanes.

Upon arriving in Istanbul Bryant spoke of his controversial past and hopes for the future, “it is true I was on trial for rape back in the states and just want to make a declaration, a promise that something like that will never happen here in your fine country, mostly because it is socially accepted and generally encouraged.” The commodities market is already predicting a sharp increase in female stoning.

The Rockets are currently in their fifth year of existence and dynasty run, never having lost a finals series team president Faysel Sahil believes, “there’s no reason to start losing now.” When asked how he felt Bryant would fit into his new surroundings Sahil jokingly replied, “if he doesn’t win he will be sentenced to death. This is not a joke my friend.” Fans are joyous and already celebrating the news.

Port-au-Prince, Haiti

This morning Haitian president-elect Michel Martelly in a long awaited address spoke to the nation on live radio, “After months of foreign aid and labor I am proud to say this great nation has finally made a full recovery, we now have no choice but to declare a state of emergency.” Foreign media, believing the quake in question to be the one off the shore of Japan, continued to ignore the news altogether.

GNN first reported of an earthquake striking off the shores of Haiti in January of 2010. The results were devastating and news outlets followed the story until reports came in that the public got bored and demanded fresher topics. This pattern continued until multi-Grammy winning artist Wyclef Jean announced his campaign for presidency of the country thus proving the longtime held belief that Wyclef Jean is more important than Haiti.

Although all statistics are subject to change; current crime levels have successfully reached their pre-earthquake numbers and with the last aid worker leaving tourism is at an all time low. According to polls conducted on the island the state of emergency would have come sooner had it not been for the confusion as to which rubble was caused by the quake and which by crippling poverty.

White House press secretary Jay Carney commented on the situation claiming that although no more aid will be presented upon Haiti for earthquake recovery “rest assured” that politicians will just have to revert to previous systems of stealing government funds.

Wuhan, China

Reports initially came in at around 3:30am local time of flashing lights in the sky and the sound of explosions. First on the scene was 25 year old Xin Xaou, a third generation local rapist and entrepreneur. Our translators transmitted this statement and we are publishing it in its entirety:

“The sky turned white. Like a light bulb when first flickered on. I was confused but interested, naturally. I grabbed for a camera and a kitchen knife and ran into the woods, to get closer to the source of the light. That was when I heard the loud noise. They came from everywhere, so many of them. And they all looked the same.”

It was at this point that the interview was concluded amidst police intervention. The Chinese government denies any such activities and Xin Xaou has been sentenced to death for treasonous activity. The following day Chinese officials declared an end to statewide hunger.

A spokesmen for the Naktar species from Galactus 7b issued a response statement, “our men came in peace, exploration and research. Now they are missing, prisoners of a war we did not start. There are also several hundred Whale Probes missing that were last detected off the coast of Japan.”

The Japanese, still recovering from devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear meltdowns that media outlets have long forgotten refused to deny the allegations. Current Prime Minister Naoto Kan had this to say in a nationally televised press conference, “Yes we ate them. We would eat them again.” This statement forced politicians from around the globe to take action. It is believed that by week’s end a document will be signed by the leading officials of over 20 nations declaring what Asians can and can’t eat.

Frankfurt, Germany

On this season of Pawn Stars glamorous items range from Revolutionary era signed documents to rare Elvis records to struggling European Mecca of culture Greece. Following scandals at the IMF and being forced into a situation of rising debt, unemployment, and back payments on rent Germany has been forced to unload some of its personal belongings. Along with Greece Germany is also in the market to sell off its beanie baby collection, estimated by Christies at a startling $20,000. “The entire lot,” German President Christian Wolff hopes, “will hopefully go for $20,400. We’ll go as low as twenty-one on the deal.”

Greece, upon discovery of the news this morning responded by declaring a nationwide manhunt for Jesse Katsopolis, the man they feel holds most responsibility for the crisis, along with several other of the Rippers. This will not however be a joint NATO mission. In similar news South Africa plans to pawn Botswana, all to be documented on this season of Hardcore Pawn. Following suspicion of the treaty UN inspectors oversaw the entire transaction and stated that the episode also includes threats of violence, some white trash, and several Somalian pirates selling a VCR for $10. With the eastern hemisphere in such disarray it comes as highly comforting news today that Gallop polls reveal 30% of Americans have at least some clue and an astonishing 52% no clue whatsoever of what is going on.

The President himself spoke on the matter, “yes, there appears to be some activity in regions of the world notorious for instability and oppression. Rest assured, this does not affect in any way our own economic situation. We are strong, united, and nothing will stand in the way of our own collapse, even the collapse of smaller nations. Thank you and God bless America.” President Obama then complemented the Sudanese on what they refer to as not being a genocide and promptly apologized for any American wrong doing.

Guantanamo, Cuba

Following President Barack Obama’s promise to bring the military prison at Guantanamo Bay to a close, many of those captured during the middle east conflict are being returned to their native homelands. Many GOP members are opposed to this strategy however their complaints are being overshadowed by outcries from the prisoners themselves.

“Oh, this is most certainly bullshit,” stated Faheed Abdulah Abdulah Rahman, “you can’t spoil a man for several years with food and safety and pull the rug out from under him.”

The newly formed Coalition for a Safe Return, or CSR has laid out a list of demands. “Ideally we would like all those deported to be returned, safely. We understand that will be a long-term battle. As for now we are negotiating that no one else be transported out of the facility at the very least until the season finale of NBC’s The Office.”

Questions like will Andy Bernard finally ask out new secretary Erin, what will Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly-Halpert name their newborn child, may never be answered for those having to return to their war torn homelands.

Alternatively, the coalition would peacefully accept deportation to Southern Florida, the side group being referred to as CSR Miami.

“This is what they do, politicians. And that is why we’re here, we fight for these people,” was the sentiment from representatives of ACORN, a reform group fighting for the rights of those who probably shouldn’t have any in the first place.

There is fear that if policy isn’t reversed that the accused terrorists currently residing on Guantanamo Bay might turn to terrorist action. Most surprised by this news were the people who would probably be most affected by a terrorist act.

“That was so 2001,” brushed off a “dude” and his “girl” from the Berkeley area of northern California, “don’t believe the lies.” The two then smoked a “doobie” with their professor and deconstructed the lyrics and melody of Bob Dylan’s It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue.