GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

SANA’A, YEMEN

The Yemenis basketball team, slated to make its first Olympic appearance in  London this summer, suffered a tragic setback this week when the entire starting roster was put on trial for political dissidence. Forced to choose between forfeit and finding an equally talented roster of replacements the final solution came down to the New York Knickerbockers basketball club. “We are very proud of our new team, we have very high expectations,” Yemenis President Abd Rabbuh Mansur Al-Hadi had to say, “we’re certain they will show up!” These expectations were met this morning at 9am local time when the New York club did in fact show up. “It can only be up from here,” the President continued.

When questioned on the teams chances of success coach Mike Woodson, following a five year extension by the Knicks organization, was brief, “I certainly hope not. The more games we win the longer I have to work.” Referring of course to the Knicks retirement package enjoyed by so many coaches before him.

Jeremy Lin is expected start.

XI’AN, CHINA

For the first time since the Great Smile of 1974 a Chinese citizen has defied government regulation and exhibited what western cultures refer to as emotions. “He frowned however rumors are already circulating that there was a tear,” reported GNN field correspondent Neil Thisdale. “Although it is not known at this time if there will be judicial action against the individual however what is certain is that he will probably be slaughtered in a prison camp that America doesn’t know about because China is in fact secretive Communist government.”

Xing Chen Li, or Howie as he is known by his friends, began to show signs of remorse after his first shift working at a local pig farm. Never having experienced death Howie was overcome by emotion at the site of a butcher skinning an infant pig. His own slaughter is expected to occur at the same farm and most likely by the same butcher.

ODEK, UGANDA

In a startling turn of events, famed warlord and late 1980′s hip hop enthusiast Joesph Kony has joined the campaign to end the campaign of famed warlord and late 1980′s hip hop enthusiast Joseph Kony. “I just watched the video and it blew me away,” Kony had to say, “all the facts, i’m just such a dick, bam, you can’t keep ignoring it.” He also added that a majority of his liberation army had already shared the video and did not want to feel left out.

Members of the popular rock bands Green Day and U2 have united for a benefit concert in support of Joseph Kony and his new anti-Kony stance. Lead singer Bono held a press conference to announce the news several hours after the warlord’s Facebook status was updated. “It’s truly a marvelous event and hopefully we’ll get a huge turnout and be able to make a change. With your help Uganda will one day be as safe as the rest of Africa.”

There has been backlash throughout the day as a result of the announcement. Both the Free Mumia movement and the Zeitgeist dude claim that people should not be “taken in by what is clearly a fad” and should “focus on the real problems in this country.” Sweatshirts are currently available by both groups at reasonable prices on their respective websites.

TOKYO, JAPAN

Red Hot Rising Sun Productions has been fined over a million yen following the distribution of an uncensured pornographic DVD. The title in question was 20,000 Leagues Under the Erotic Sea, a feature in their tentacle line of fetish films. In the movie several young females are attacked by sea creatures while aboard a boarding school cruise liner. They are repeatedly sodomized by the tentacles of an octopus while being doused in a combination of apple juice and honey. Controversy arose when for several seconds a grown man’s erect penis makes an appearance halfway into the movie. According to Japanese law any and all genitals must be blurred out before public distribution.

“We are not a nation that believes in the perversion of our morals,” state official Akira Tanaka explained, “it may be considered old fashioned by western standards but certain things are best left for the imagination.” The production company’s public relations department released a statement this morning, “in over ten thousand tentacle porn productions this was the first case of a visible penis. Clearly the result of negligence with no intent of malice. We apologize and plan to pay the fine accordingly.”

The public is outraged and is demanding even stricter regulation over the adult film industry. “Accidents like this should not happen,” a local adult film enthusiast had to say. He continued to explain that the inclusion of an erect penis in the tentacle and apple juice pornography left him nauseated and distressed. He was undecided when asked if there were plans to seek legal counsel.

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Reports are slowly coming in that North Korean dictator and weird game show enthusiast Kim Jong Il has passed leaving behind a legacy of dictatorship and weird game shows. He will be missed by the two or three people who could actually have proved he existed in the first place.

The people of North Korea are expected to begin competing almost immediately with China for jobs that once belonged to Americans forcing President Obama to make serious faces yet do absolutely nothing. Current dictator of Russia, Vladimir Putin issued a statement of condolence and referenced Michael Mann’s 1992 classic Last of the Mohicans. Official statement is expected from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran in a fortnight, once the messenger donkey reaches the Capital notifying their government of the news.

TRIPOLI, LIBYA

In a surprising turn of events Libyan Dictator Moammar Gadhafi was discovered dead this morning after coworkers spent two days convincing people he was still alive. Coroners concluded he had died sometime last Friday night and foul play is suspected. This comes as a complete shock to all those who had spent the weekend partying with the famed dictator.

It is believed the two coworkers had been keeping the illusion that the former leader was still alive through a series of strings and levers. Jonathan Silverman confessed, “we knew it was a bad idea but first one person thought he was alive then another and his movements were already pretty mechanical so…” Mr. Silverman was cut off by long time companion and surprisingly still working actor Andrew McCarthy. “We were just trying to keep the religious warlords away. Gadhafi was like a religious warlord scarecrow,” McCarthy had to say, “now this country definitely won’t get an Arby’s.”

Libya is now reported as being in the control of religious warlords. Head cleric Mahmud Al Jazeeri released this statement, “there is no way you are getting an Arby’s now.” The rebels celebrated the new free Libya by singing, dancing, and machine gunning anyone who differed from them in belief or appearance.

MEK’ELE, ETHIOPIA

Assefa Abate, president of production at the Mek’ele Broadcasting Station declared today a marked change in direction for the network, “we can no longer be last in the world and have decided to make the move into reality television.” The new flagship show has been unveiled to be an African version of the popular American show Man vs. Food. “It will be entirely original though,” Abate continued, “in our version man doesn’t eat the food, but rather competes with it.” In each episode a hungry contestant is paired with a Gazelle and the competition centers around which will eat that night.

Controversy is already circulating over news that for the current first 38 episodes filmed, Man generally had the upper hand. “Either the human contestants are too hungry or the Gazelles just aren’t hungry enough,” Abate explained. He promised that the African’s would not be fed as to not tamper with the integrity of the show however when played with the issue of feeding the animals less was met with strong opposition from animal rights groups such as PETA.

Group spokesperson Janet Eckstein released this statement on behalf of her organization, “we will not allow for animals to be treated in an inhuman fashion. We will use everything at our disposal to negotiate a better solution to the ratings problem.” After several hours of negotiations network head Assefa Abate released news that for the second season of the show the harmless Gazelles would predominantly be replaced with averagely fed Leopards and an occasional Alligator. Ratings are believed to sky rocket for the show as the life expectancy in the impoverished region is surprisingly believed to be unaffected. “Aids is pretty bad,” was the explanation by a Virginia man who would never dare visit the region.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA

In a startling turn of events former Russian President and current Soviet Man of the People Vladimir Putin has reunited the Soviet Union and stepped into power under what he describes as “eastern democracy.” When asked to elaborate his statement current Man of the People Putin explained “eastern democracy is like western democracy but without the voting.” It is believed that the former nation of Ukraine is opposed to the current events however a majority of the population could not be contacted from within their train currently bound for Siberia.

Putin spoke earlier this morning to the people of his nation, calming their nerves as to the country’s future. He explained that between him and his dim witted field mouse friend named Pinky the nation was bound for international glory. When criticized for plagiarism due to similarities between a speech delivered by a Chancellor of Germany in 1934 Putin responded firmly, “it is ridiculous to believe that I intend to kill Jews.” Referring to the fact that a majority of the nation’s Jewish population had already fled during previous decades of oppression. The speech was concluded with announcement of the construction of several new summer camps located in the states of Georgia, Uzbekistan, and Kyrgyzstan. “Not just for kids,” Putin spoke and smiled, “it’s the new slogan, what do you think?” GNN reporters were later explained what to think and sentenced to two years labor for political espionage.

President Obama immediately addressed the people of the United States in what he later described as his own attempt to calm the nerves of a worrisome nation. He argued that congress has to work together on a bipartisan decision of whether to pledge allegiance to China or the newly reformed Soviet Union. “We will make the right decision and by week’s end you’ll know which Rosetta Stone to purchase.”

ISTANBUL, TURKEY

Amid current NBA lockout many players have been reported to be seeking refuge in foreign leagues. It came as no shock this morning when Mr. Bryant’s agent Rob Pelinka released news of the star’s new contract and relocation. “Kobe is happy and proud to announce that he is the latest and only ever addition to the historic Istanbul Rockets.” When asked if he could handle the new workload of being an entire roster Bryant spoke with his usual candor, “it’ll be difficult to adjust but seeing as how the Rockets are the only existing team in the league I think I’ll manage.” Bryant is expected to spend the duration of the season jumping over cars, trucks, and single engine airplanes.

Upon arriving in Istanbul Bryant spoke of his controversial past and hopes for the future, “it is true I was on trial for rape back in the states and just want to make a declaration, a promise that something like that will never happen here in your fine country, mostly because it is socially accepted and generally encouraged.” The commodities market is already predicting a sharp increase in female stoning.

The Rockets are currently in their fifth year of existence and dynasty run, never having lost a finals series team president Faysel Sahil believes, “there’s no reason to start losing now.” When asked how he felt Bryant would fit into his new surroundings Sahil jokingly replied, “if he doesn’t win he will be sentenced to death. This is not a joke my friend.” Fans are joyous and already celebrating the news.

Port-au-Prince, Haiti

This morning Haitian president-elect Michel Martelly in a long awaited address spoke to the nation on live radio, “After months of foreign aid and labor I am proud to say this great nation has finally made a full recovery, we now have no choice but to declare a state of emergency.” Foreign media, believing the quake in question to be the one off the shore of Japan, continued to ignore the news altogether.

GNN first reported of an earthquake striking off the shores of Haiti in January of 2010. The results were devastating and news outlets followed the story until reports came in that the public got bored and demanded fresher topics. This pattern continued until multi-Grammy winning artist Wyclef Jean announced his campaign for presidency of the country thus proving the longtime held belief that Wyclef Jean is more important than Haiti.

Although all statistics are subject to change; current crime levels have successfully reached their pre-earthquake numbers and with the last aid worker leaving tourism is at an all time low. According to polls conducted on the island the state of emergency would have come sooner had it not been for the confusion as to which rubble was caused by the quake and which by crippling poverty.

White House press secretary Jay Carney commented on the situation claiming that although no more aid will be presented upon Haiti for earthquake recovery “rest assured” that politicians will just have to revert to previous systems of stealing government funds.