GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

Wuhan, China

Reports initially came in at around 3:30am local time of flashing lights in the sky and the sound of explosions. First on the scene was 25 year old Xin Xaou, a third generation local rapist and entrepreneur. Our translators transmitted this statement and we are publishing it in its entirety:

“The sky turned white. Like a light bulb when first flickered on. I was confused but interested, naturally. I grabbed for a camera and a kitchen knife and ran into the woods, to get closer to the source of the light. That was when I heard the loud noise. They came from everywhere, so many of them. And they all looked the same.”

It was at this point that the interview was concluded amidst police intervention. The Chinese government denies any such activities and Xin Xaou has been sentenced to death for treasonous activity. The following day Chinese officials declared an end to statewide hunger.

A spokesmen for the Naktar species from Galactus 7b issued a response statement, “our men came in peace, exploration and research. Now they are missing, prisoners of a war we did not start. There are also several hundred Whale Probes missing that were last detected off the coast of Japan.”

The Japanese, still recovering from devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear meltdowns that media outlets have long forgotten refused to deny the allegations. Current Prime Minister Naoto Kan had this to say in a nationally televised press conference, “Yes we ate them. We would eat them again.” This statement forced politicians from around the globe to take action. It is believed that by week’s end a document will be signed by the leading officials of over 20 nations declaring what Asians can and can’t eat.

Frankfurt, Germany

On this season of Pawn Stars glamorous items range from Revolutionary era signed documents to rare Elvis records to struggling European Mecca of culture Greece. Following scandals at the IMF and being forced into a situation of rising debt, unemployment, and back payments on rent Germany has been forced to unload some of its personal belongings. Along with Greece Germany is also in the market to sell off its beanie baby collection, estimated by Christies at a startling $20,000. “The entire lot,” German President Christian Wolff hopes, “will hopefully go for $20,400. We’ll go as low as twenty-one on the deal.”

Greece, upon discovery of the news this morning responded by declaring a nationwide manhunt for Jesse Katsopolis, the man they feel holds most responsibility for the crisis, along with several other of the Rippers. This will not however be a joint NATO mission. In similar news South Africa plans to pawn Botswana, all to be documented on this season of Hardcore Pawn. Following suspicion of the treaty UN inspectors oversaw the entire transaction and stated that the episode also includes threats of violence, some white trash, and several Somalian pirates selling a VCR for $10. With the eastern hemisphere in such disarray it comes as highly comforting news today that Gallop polls reveal 30% of Americans have at least some clue and an astonishing 52% no clue whatsoever of what is going on.

The President himself spoke on the matter, “yes, there appears to be some activity in regions of the world notorious for instability and oppression. Rest assured, this does not affect in any way our own economic situation. We are strong, united, and nothing will stand in the way of our own collapse, even the collapse of smaller nations. Thank you and God bless America.” President Obama then complemented the Sudanese on what they refer to as not being a genocide and promptly apologized for any American wrong doing.

Guantanamo, Cuba

Following President Barack Obama’s promise to bring the military prison at Guantanamo Bay to a close, many of those captured during the middle east conflict are being returned to their native homelands. Many GOP members are opposed to this strategy however their complaints are being overshadowed by outcries from the prisoners themselves.

“Oh, this is most certainly bullshit,” stated Faheed Abdulah Abdulah Rahman, “you can’t spoil a man for several years with food and safety and pull the rug out from under him.”

The newly formed Coalition for a Safe Return, or CSR has laid out a list of demands. “Ideally we would like all those deported to be returned, safely. We understand that will be a long-term battle. As for now we are negotiating that no one else be transported out of the facility at the very least until the season finale of NBC’s The Office.”

Questions like will Andy Bernard finally ask out new secretary Erin, what will Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly-Halpert name their newborn child, may never be answered for those having to return to their war torn homelands.

Alternatively, the coalition would peacefully accept deportation to Southern Florida, the side group being referred to as CSR Miami.

“This is what they do, politicians. And that is why we’re here, we fight for these people,” was the sentiment from representatives of ACORN, a reform group fighting for the rights of those who probably shouldn’t have any in the first place.

There is fear that if policy isn’t reversed that the accused terrorists currently residing on Guantanamo Bay might turn to terrorist action. Most surprised by this news were the people who would probably be most affected by a terrorist act.

“That was so 2001,” brushed off a “dude” and his “girl” from the Berkeley area of northern California, “don’t believe the lies.” The two then smoked a “doobie” with their professor and deconstructed the lyrics and melody of Bob Dylan’s It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue.

Birjand, Iran

This morning an attempted suicide bomber was convicted on multiple counts of rape. The failed attempt at a terrorist attack occurred the night before when twenty-three year old Zahir Abdulah Abdulah Rahman entered a crowded bus.

Upon entering the bus Zahir immediately began inspecting the contents of his book bag only to discover he had forgotten to pack the explosive device. He notified the driver of the bus and explained he would return later in the evening.

He was beaten unconscious by the remaining crowd on the bus. “It really brought the community together,” an eyewitness had to say. Zahir spent the evening in intensive care and awoke early this morning. Still dazed from the incident and intoxicated by painkillers, Zahir had forgotten the earlier events and was under the impression his plan was completed successfully. Zahir, joyous to see what he believed to be the first of many virgins, attacked the entering nurse upon first sight.

Hospital Chief Mahmud Abdulah Abdulah Omar Sharif was left devastated as a result of the incident, “it’s a shame and an unfortunate accident. If there were precautions that could have been taken, we would certainly have taken them.”

The nurse, nineteen year old Aasera Azeez, was sentenced to death as a result of premarital intercourse.

Lviv, Ukraine

Late this afternoon Oleg Ustanov entered his community massage parlor believing he knew what to expect. Although he had never received a massage he had seen them performed many times before on television and in cinema.

Oleg explained his initial reasons for entering the spa, “I had a pain in my shoulders, a tightness. I thought this would be a good method to rid my ailment.” He described the massage as being soothing and an instant success as a remedy for his back pain. “The young lady then asked me to roll over, I was confused.”

Oleg followed the masseuse’s instructions and waited curiously. “She asked me if I’d be interested in a hand job. I was astounded. At first I thought she was joking, but she was already playing with my balls.” Oleg accepted the offer and immediately contacted his friends with his new found discovery. Oksana Belantina, the masseuse who provided the hand job refused to comment however her colleague, who is also known to provide similar services, was eager to describe the trade.

“Sure, its great money, and you get no more dirty than a butcher.” It should be noted that master butcher is the cities leading and most respected profession. GNN’s senior correspondent, Michael Blatovky, continued the interview and learned something that shocked even a man with the years of experience such as himself. Some men attend the spa strictly for the hand jobs. “They don’t even show the slightest interest in the massage?”

“They just get in and lie on their backs,” the masseuse who chose to stay anonymous stated.

Senior correspondent Michael Blatovsky then received a hand job, tipped $40, and returned to the GNN offices. GNN will not be fully satisfied until this story is fully developed and will not leave a single fact unfound.

We assure you, the faithful and loyal readers that the entire staff of GNN will participate in the investigation of the Sunshine Spa, open from 11am to 2 am.

CHARLOTTE, NC (USA)

Agencies received intelligence that Japan, still bitter over the closing events of World War II, have spent the last several decades working on a large scale reconnaissance operation for the sole purpose of invasion and eventual enslavement. Over 200 suspected Japanese spies were detained this morning, each armed with a digital camera holding what we have been told to be large amounts of pictures of the seemingly unimportant.

Agent Al Davis explained, “to the average person, those pictures are as harmless as butterflies and candy canes, but you have to remember, these are a sick people.” The agent then joyfully reminisced about pouring water over cloth covered faces somewhere in the Caribbean.

So far the investigation has resulted in thousands of gigabytes of footage of breakfast buffets, street signs, and elevator control panels. The Japanese emperor is denying any involvement and claims the insurgents are actually all Chinese.

Intelligence, confused from the beginning, is taking a serious look into these allegations. The Chinese community has yet to comment but the liberal Jewish community has already stepped in on the matter in their defense. “It’s an outrage and an outcry. Is this where our nation is heading,” a woman with the surname Katz had to contribute. A rally has been scheduled in the D.C. area in support of the Chinese, disapproval of any future Republican president, and the legalization of marijuana.

The black community, entertained by the scandal from the beginning, has expressed sentiment for more. Shantal Cox, recently employed mother of three, weighed in, “it’s a shame I can’t tivo this shit.” As a result, NBC canceled The Office and is replacing it with footage of a Kardashian cousin eating far more than she probably should.