GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)

28 Days Later after Jeremy Lin has made an impact in the NBA, media outlets have been reporting on the wide spread Linsanity in New York City, and slowly spreading to New Jersey, Long Island, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut.  With Linsanity spreading, the EPA has classified this as a class 5 outbreak, and has recommended that people in unaffected areas stock up on duct tape and canned goods in case their town starts to show signs of Linsanity. Scientists have been working around the clock, and have discovered the origin of Linsanity being traced back to rage Linfested monkeys in a pharmaceutical laboratory in Northern Jersey.

The EPA has recently reported a discovery that Linsanity is being spread by infected humans biting uninfected humans.  This could mean that the virus is spread in the saliva, and could potentially be spread through other bodily fluids.  Citizens are urged to keep their distance from any Linsane individuals, but if trapped in a corner, those with Linsanity can be stopped by bashing the head and killing the brain.

Remember, those with Linsanity may look human, they may be those people closest to you, who you have loved and cherished, but there is no cure for Linsanity, and many are saying Linsane people are in many ways already dead. Protect yourself at all times, and if you have been bitten, isolate yourself immediately. Symptoms of Linsanity include believing the New York Knicks have a shot at winning a championship, trying to think of clever sometimes racist Jeremy Lin puns, and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

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JACKSON HEIGHTS, QUEENS, NY (USA)

The Jackson Heights Institute of Technology released a new study this morning shedding further light on the culture of minorities. “They’re very interesting and unique people,” project leader Nathan Bitters began, “much like the Italians they enjoy unprotected sex however they show a strong hostility towards voting.”

Bitters spent two years living amongst the minorities and over that course of time was accepted into their community. “After two months they offered me my first empanada and by year’s end I was integrated into their grooming circle.” Bitters still maintains his cornrows weeks after the study concluded.

When asked why they like sex without condoms, local minority leader Javier Gonzalez explained. “They take away all the feeling.” On the subject of the electoral process there are only theories. The strongest being that minorities tend to come from places where democracy is unreliable or non existent. Similar theories are that minorities can’t vote due to a combination of felony convictions and being in the country illegally.

The Jewish community did not show any of the same characteristics and therefor cannot technically be labeled a minority. The institute created the new niche group, “people no one really likes but don’t talk about it because of the holocaust.”

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (USA)

Just hours before Superbowl XLVI, NFL insiders are reporting that Eli Manning isn’t leaving anything to chance in his second Superbowl facing arguably the best Quarterback of all time, Tom Brady.  Manning has reportedly reached out to Bronco’s Quarterback Tim Tebow, and has asked if he could borrow Jesus Christ for a day, who helped Tim Tebow win multiple games during the season.

“I didn’t quite understand what he was asking me,” said Tebow.  “I mean was he asking me to pray for him?  To be honest with you, Eli is kind of hard to understand when he gets excited.  I mean, there are a few things that Jesus COULD do for him I guess, like maybe turn all of the Patriots Gatorade to wine so they get drunk and can’t play, or maybe convince The Church that marrying a supermodel is a sin so they stone Tom Brady to Death?  Either way, I’m not even sure if the J-man is a G-men fan…”

When asked for comment, Eli Manning was quoted as saying “My brother Payton got me a coloring book!!!!  I colored everything blue, because that’s what the G in G-men stands for…BLUE!”  Eli then put on his Giants helmet and said “This is my TV helmet!!!  I like it better than my at home helmet!!!”

OAK BROOK, IL (USA)

As of early this morning McDonald’s representative John Grammer announced that the CEO’s shit would no longer be used as an active ingredient in the process of making their famed hamburgers.

“Times are changing and it has become no longer reasonable for us to continue including rich people’s processed shit in your food.” Grammer continued, “health concerns of our patrons is a major factor for the change however we give you the McDonald’s guarantee that the food will continue to taste as shitty as ever.”

Public outcry was immediate and is not expected to go away. Jeffery Wolfe, patron of the chain restaurant for over 30 years explained the reasoning behind the backlash. “If we wanted to eat something that didn’t taste like shit we wouldn’t have been going to Mickey D’s in the first place. Now, the food will be like everywhere else, just not as good.” Wolfe is unmarried and runs a WWE fanclub out of his local community center.

Although initial reaction to the change was negative McDonald’s spokespeople reassured stockholders that with time public opinion will grow. “When something costs a dollar, people tend to eat whatever is given to them,” were the closing statements at this mornings assembly. When asked how the black community will react to no longer being served shit to eat, John Grammer was positive, “they still get plenty of it to smoke.”

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DETROIT, MI (USA)

Snake Plissken (age 60) was sentenced to life in a horrible city following an arrest last July for possession of illegally downloaded mp3′s. With a record of having already escaped New York and Los Angeles, presiding Judge William O’Gavin sentenced the repeat offender to Detroit for a duration of until he could find a job. The life sentence drew immediate criticism and protest from other people who didn’t have jobs but came from families where they didn’t really need them.

It is believed Mr. Plissken died as a result of gunshot wounds during an alleged car jacking while attempting to escape the city. Friends and Family rememberd the cult hero at a closed casket ceremony earlier this morning. “He was so close to getting out,” read teary eyed Aaron Plissken as he eulogized his brother.

Conspiracy theorists are already clamoring at the inconsistencies of the story. Mr. Plissken was found dead at the center of a notoriously dangerous neighborhood, hundreds of miles from the border. This is leading people to suspect that he was not escaping but in fact purchasing crack cocaine, which he had been addicted to since 2001 after witnessing his performance in 3000 Miles to Graceland.

FORT WORTH, TX (USA)

Police are reporting that 32 year old Janet Elks of Fort Worth, Texas “still doesn’t get it” despite receiving two black eyes from live-in boyfriend Derek Tomlas. “The ketchup goes on before the lettuce,” explained Tomlas, “otherwise it’s just not a sandwich.”

Miss Elks was questioned following the altercation and according to testimony still does not understand that what she prepared for Mr. Tomlas on the evening of January 30th was not a sandwich. “It had ham, cheese, the works,” she pleaded. Sandwich statutes differ from county to county however head investigating officer Charles DuPont believes Tomlas had the full right to use any and all necessary force in defending his dinner practices.

This is the fourth domestic dispute case in the area in only four weeks bringing community concern to a peak. “It’s one thing to see it on TV while on your front lawn, it’s another to see it on your front lawn,” was the sentiment of local residents.

BOSTON, MA (USA)

Tensions are running high as fans await this Sunday’s competition as to who God loves more. Local sports analyst and part time bookie Father Charles O’Hannagan believes Tom Brady of the New England Patriots has the clear edge based on his three Superbowl rings and list of beautiful women. “Tebow is clearly on the favorite list as well,” Father O’Hannagan added, “if your competition having sickle cell isn’t God showing you his love, I don’t know what is.” Broncos head coach John Fox also weighted in on the debate, “Timmy prays really hard, no doubt about that. Brady however prays more efficiently. It’s going to be a good game.”

This football season also marked the passing of famed owner Al Davis. Known for his dedication, work ethic, and instinct for the game the loss marks a turning point for the entire league. He was however Jewish disqualifying the Oakland Raiders from the competition as a team altogether. “It’s not that God hates Jews,” Raiders Quarterback Carson Palmer explained, “it’s just that he doesn’t love them.” When asked to elaborate he explained that, “God would send the Jews a Christmas card but if they got into a crippling car accident he wouldn’t change their catheter.”

Both teams have already begun preparing for the game on Sunday, attending both morning and mid-day mass. The outcome does not only determine who moves forward in the playoffs, or what team had a more successful season but something far greater than even the game itself; what bumper stickers christians will be purchasing on Ebay this upcoming summer.

NEW YORK, NY (USA)

As of 6:45 in the PM it is being reported that a Brooklyn resident has posted several pictures of her pet yorkie wearing what appear to be Ray Ban sunglasses. Linda McKenzie defended her actions, “he was just so cute, I had to. Pink Floyd is the best dog ever!” Authorities led Ms. McKenzie out of her second floor apartment in handcuffs freeing her friends from yet another evening of having to listen to how “men suck.” McKenzie has already hit on several officers and an inmate but no dates have been scheduled.

This story follows a string of others in what is beginning to be referred to as an epidemic. Overpaid psycho analyst Jonathan Taub attempted to explain this phenomenon, “puppies are in fact very cute, they also weight very similar to a baby. Much like the baby that these women feel no man would ever want to have with them.”

In related news the price of happy hour cocktails is expected to almost double as men are notorious for being able to smell even as little as a drop of desperation in two square miles of open water. Warning signs for women are being listed as protruding fins, thrashing in the water, and compliments.

MANALAPAN TOWNSHIP, NJ (USA)

The staff at GNN would like to wish Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who turns 45 today a happy and healthy birthday. Mr. Sorrentino gained fame several years ago after surviving what should have been a fatal gunshot wound to the head, destroying critical amounts of brain tissue. At the time doctors gave the New Jersey resident only hours to live and are as surprised and happy as everyone that Sorrentino not only celebrated another birthday but has almost entirely regained back his motor skills. “We’re certain he’ll make a full recovery,” was the sentiment of the Sorrentino household.

In similar news, Pauly D (pictured below) plans to celebrate his upcoming birthday next month performing at Mansion located in the heart of Miami, Florida. GNN will be standing by with congratulations and the appropriate number of candles.