SALEM, NC (USA)
The tobacco industry has been under scrutiny for many years. The last several decades have been marked by hearings accusing the industry of products causing health issues, marketing to children, and lobbying scandals at the highest ranks of government. Recently they have taken a step in a new direction. They are still making tobacco products, but are now marketing them to an older group that is incapable of developing new health issues, dead people.
The tobacco industry has since begun one of the most aggressive marketing campaigns in years. Strong regulations against advertisements on television and other media have usually prevented the tobacco industry from going on marketing blitzes, but none of those laws applied to the diseased. Marlboro has begun sponsoring celebrity funerals, most recently hosting the “Dick Clarks countdown to flavor,” advertised as “a very tasteful celebration of Dick Clark’s life, wishing him well in his journey to flavor country.”
Critics have suggested that the tobacco industry has just found an advertising loophole, and that they are advertising to dead people hoping the living will see the ads and buy their products. “How do dead people even buy tobacco products let alone use them?” said Nancy Stallworth, chairman of The Truth, and anti-smoking nonprofit organization; “It doesn’t make any sense! They are just trying to advertise tobacco products right in front of everyone’s face again like it was the 50’s and get away with it!” The Tobacco industry has responded to such criticism with an official statement saying “There is no evidence to suggest that a zombie apocalypse isn’t coming, and we are simply setting ourselves up to offer zombies a smooth, refreshing, brain eating alternative.”
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CLEVELAND, OH (USA)
Following a night of binge drinking and charging excessive amounts of money onto his student credit card, Robert Almont of Cleveland, Ohio has sworn off drinking for life. “I just can’t keep doing this. My head hurts, I want to puke, it’s torture. Drinking is not what it was a few years ago, i’m just never doing this again.” Mr. Almont also promises to begin a steady regiment of jogging, lifting weights, getting an attractive girlfriend, and not being an all around loser anymore.
The FDA is warning Americans to look out for the following signs of a hangover including but not limited to nausea, headaches, sensitivity to light, and waking up next to a someone far fatter than yourself, unless of course the female is black and you are a skinny white male in which case you are then suffering from a case of living a stereotype.
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NEW YORK, NY (USA)
Following the bounty scandal involving Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to redraft some of the leagues oldest rules. “We have lost touch with what this game really means. It used to be about love and dedication, your teammates and a common goal to win. Now it’s just about hitting each other and scoring.” Goodell continued, “toward the end of his life Johnny Unitas lived in a near paralyzed state because he loved the game, not because there were violent acts directed towards him.” The commissioner dodged all questions about the great Polaroid scandal of ’58, referring of course to when Mr. Unitas was caught mailing poorly developed photos of his genitals to a Pan Am stewardess.
Players around the league were elated to find out about the changes to the rules. Baltimore Ravens linebacker and future hall of famer Ray Lewis weighted in on the decision, “it’s not the kind of world I want to live in. I don’t hate the opposing quarter back, I think we should all try to be supportive of each other. A Superbowl victory for one is a Superbowl victory for all. It’s like the Occupy Movement said, we should look out for each other.” In related news, three more were critically injured when Occupy Movement camps erupted into anarchic violence.
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RENO, NV (USA)
Following a month long investigation into Reno resident Steve Howerton, evidence has been found that he really likes the song Two of Hearts and child pornography. When questioned by reporters, Mr. Howerton denied any affinity towards the 1985 Stacey Q hit single. “That song is terrible, why would I want to listen to it?” He has subsequently plead no contest to all charges of loving naked boys aged 7 to 11.
The community is in shock and outrage. Sharon Hill, a concerned mother of two boys had this to say, “we all had that record, it’s understandable, but to deny liking it? How can we expect the truth from our politicians if we can’t get it from our neighbors.” Others were more sympathetic, such as Reno Mayor Bob Cashell, “now we never actually witnessed him listening to the song. I’m not saying it’s the case but these could just be allegations to frivolously sue a a possibly innocent resident of my city.”
Former child stars Macaulay Culkin and Corey Feldman have both come forward in defense of Mr. Howerton claiming they have never personally witnessed him listening to the hit single. They continued that he most definitely did sodomize them on multiple occasions, “but it’s all cool.”
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NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)
28 Days Later after Jeremy Lin has made an impact in the NBA, media outlets have been reporting on the wide spread Linsanity in New York City, and slowly spreading to New Jersey, Long Island, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut. With Linsanity spreading, the EPA has classified this as a class 5 outbreak, and has recommended that people in unaffected areas stock up on duct tape and canned goods in case their town starts to show signs of Linsanity. Scientists have been working around the clock, and have discovered the origin of Linsanity being traced back to rage Linfested monkeys in a pharmaceutical laboratory in Northern Jersey.
The EPA has recently reported a discovery that Linsanity is being spread by infected humans biting uninfected humans. This could mean that the virus is spread in the saliva, and could potentially be spread through other bodily fluids. Citizens are urged to keep their distance from any Linsane individuals, but if trapped in a corner, those with Linsanity can be stopped by bashing the head and killing the brain.
Remember, those with Linsanity may look human, they may be those people closest to you, who you have loved and cherished, but there is no cure for Linsanity, and many are saying Linsane people are in many ways already dead. Protect yourself at all times, and if you have been bitten, isolate yourself immediately. Symptoms of Linsanity include believing the New York Knicks have a shot at winning a championship, trying to think of clever sometimes racist Jeremy Lin puns, and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.
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JACKSON HEIGHTS, QUEENS, NY (USA)
The Jackson Heights Institute of Technology released a new study this morning shedding further light on the culture of minorities. “They’re very interesting and unique people,” project leader Nathan Bitters began, “much like the Italians they enjoy unprotected sex however they show a strong hostility towards voting.”
Bitters spent two years living amongst the minorities and over that course of time was accepted into their community. “After two months they offered me my first empanada and by year’s end I was integrated into their grooming circle.” Bitters still maintains his cornrows weeks after the study concluded.
When asked why they like sex without condoms, local minority leader Javier Gonzalez explained. “They take away all the feeling.” On the subject of the electoral process there are only theories. The strongest being that minorities tend to come from places where democracy is unreliable or non existent. Similar theories are that minorities can’t vote due to a combination of felony convictions and being in the country illegally.
The Jewish community did not show any of the same characteristics and therefor cannot technically be labeled a minority. The institute created the new niche group, “people no one really likes but don’t talk about it because of the holocaust.”
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INDIANAPOLIS, IN (USA)
Just hours before Superbowl XLVI, NFL insiders are reporting that Eli Manning isn’t leaving anything to chance in his second Superbowl facing arguably the best Quarterback of all time, Tom Brady. Manning has reportedly reached out to Bronco’s Quarterback Tim Tebow, and has asked if he could borrow Jesus Christ for a day, who helped Tim Tebow win multiple games during the season.
“I didn’t quite understand what he was asking me,” said Tebow. “I mean was he asking me to pray for him? To be honest with you, Eli is kind of hard to understand when he gets excited. I mean, there are a few things that Jesus COULD do for him I guess, like maybe turn all of the Patriots Gatorade to wine so they get drunk and can’t play, or maybe convince The Church that marrying a supermodel is a sin so they stone Tom Brady to Death? Either way, I’m not even sure if the J-man is a G-men fan…”
When asked for comment, Eli Manning was quoted as saying “My brother Payton got me a coloring book!!!! I colored everything blue, because that’s what the G in G-men stands for…BLUE!” Eli then put on his Giants helmet and said “This is my TV helmet!!! I like it better than my at home helmet!!!”
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OAK BROOK, IL (USA)
As of early this morning McDonald’s representative John Grammer announced that the CEO’s shit would no longer be used as an active ingredient in the process of making their famed hamburgers.
“Times are changing and it has become no longer reasonable for us to continue including rich people’s processed shit in your food.” Grammer continued, “health concerns of our patrons is a major factor for the change however we give you the McDonald’s guarantee that the food will continue to taste as shitty as ever.”
Public outcry was immediate and is not expected to go away. Jeffery Wolfe, patron of the chain restaurant for over 30 years explained the reasoning behind the backlash. “If we wanted to eat something that didn’t taste like shit we wouldn’t have been going to Mickey D’s in the first place. Now, the food will be like everywhere else, just not as good.” Wolfe is unmarried and runs a WWE fanclub out of his local community center.
Although initial reaction to the change was negative McDonald’s spokespeople reassured stockholders that with time public opinion will grow. “When something costs a dollar, people tend to eat whatever is given to them,” were the closing statements at this mornings assembly. When asked how the black community will react to no longer being served shit to eat, John Grammer was positive, “they still get plenty of it to smoke.”
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DETROIT, MI (USA)
Snake Plissken (age 60) was sentenced to life in a horrible city following an arrest last July for possession of illegally downloaded mp3′s. With a record of having already escaped New York and Los Angeles, presiding Judge William O’Gavin sentenced the repeat offender to Detroit for a duration of until he could find a job. The life sentence drew immediate criticism and protest from other people who didn’t have jobs but came from families where they didn’t really need them.
It is believed Mr. Plissken died as a result of gunshot wounds during an alleged car jacking while attempting to escape the city. Friends and Family rememberd the cult hero at a closed casket ceremony earlier this morning. “He was so close to getting out,” read teary eyed Aaron Plissken as he eulogized his brother.
Conspiracy theorists are already clamoring at the inconsistencies of the story. Mr. Plissken was found dead at the center of a notoriously dangerous neighborhood, hundreds of miles from the border. This is leading people to suspect that he was not escaping but in fact purchasing crack cocaine, which he had been addicted to since 2001 after witnessing his performance in 3000 Miles to Graceland.
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FORT WORTH, TX (USA)
Police are reporting that 32 year old Janet Elks of Fort Worth, Texas “still doesn’t get it” despite receiving two black eyes from live-in boyfriend Derek Tomlas. “The ketchup goes on before the lettuce,” explained Tomlas, “otherwise it’s just not a sandwich.”
Miss Elks was questioned following the altercation and according to testimony still does not understand that what she prepared for Mr. Tomlas on the evening of January 30th was not a sandwich. “It had ham, cheese, the works,” she pleaded. Sandwich statutes differ from county to county however head investigating officer Charles DuPont believes Tomlas had the full right to use any and all necessary force in defending his dinner practices.
This is the fourth domestic dispute case in the area in only four weeks bringing community concern to a peak. “It’s one thing to see it on TV while on your front lawn, it’s another to see it on your front lawn,” was the sentiment of local residents.
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