GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

BOSTON, MA (USA)

Tensions are running high as fans await this Sunday’s competition as to who God loves more. Local sports analyst and part time bookie Father Charles O’Hannagan believes Tom Brady of the New England Patriots has the clear edge based on his three Superbowl rings and list of beautiful women. “Tebow is clearly on the favorite list as well,” Father O’Hannagan added, “if your competition having sickle cell isn’t God showing you his love, I don’t know what is.” Broncos head coach John Fox also weighted in on the debate, “Timmy prays really hard, no doubt about that. Brady however prays more efficiently. It’s going to be a good game.”

This football season also marked the passing of famed owner Al Davis. Known for his dedication, work ethic, and instinct for the game the loss marks a turning point for the entire league. He was however Jewish disqualifying the Oakland Raiders from the competition as a team altogether. “It’s not that God hates Jews,” Raiders Quarterback Carson Palmer explained, “it’s just that he doesn’t love them.” When asked to elaborate he explained that, “God would send the Jews a Christmas card but if they got into a crippling car accident he wouldn’t change their catheter.”

Both teams have already begun preparing for the game on Sunday, attending both morning and mid-day mass. The outcome does not only determine who moves forward in the playoffs, or what team had a more successful season but something far greater than even the game itself; what bumper stickers christians will be purchasing on Ebay this upcoming summer.

NEW YORK, NY (USA)

As of 6:45 in the PM it is being reported that a Brooklyn resident has posted several pictures of her pet yorkie wearing what appear to be Ray Ban sunglasses. Linda McKenzie defended her actions, “he was just so cute, I had to. Pink Floyd is the best dog ever!” Authorities led Ms. McKenzie out of her second floor apartment in handcuffs freeing her friends from yet another evening of having to listen to how “men suck.” McKenzie has already hit on several officers and an inmate but no dates have been scheduled.

This story follows a string of others in what is beginning to be referred to as an epidemic. Overpaid psycho analyst Jonathan Taub attempted to explain this phenomenon, “puppies are in fact very cute, they also weight very similar to a baby. Much like the baby that these women feel no man would ever want to have with them.”

In related news the price of happy hour cocktails is expected to almost double as men are notorious for being able to smell even as little as a drop of desperation in two square miles of open water. Warning signs for women are being listed as protruding fins, thrashing in the water, and compliments.

MANALAPAN TOWNSHIP, NJ (USA)

The staff at GNN would like to wish Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who turns 45 today a happy and healthy birthday. Mr. Sorrentino gained fame several years ago after surviving what should have been a fatal gunshot wound to the head, destroying critical amounts of brain tissue. At the time doctors gave the New Jersey resident only hours to live and are as surprised and happy as everyone that Sorrentino not only celebrated another birthday but has almost entirely regained back his motor skills. “We’re certain he’ll make a full recovery,” was the sentiment of the Sorrentino household.

In similar news, Pauly D (pictured below) plans to celebrate his upcoming birthday next month performing at Mansion located in the heart of Miami, Florida. GNN will be standing by with congratulations and the appropriate number of candles.

LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

Following extensive research conducted by scientists at the University of Southern California results are showing that men tend to drink more when women spend more time talking. Dr. Art Spiegleman of the university explained further, “women enjoy saying things that men clearly understand don’t need to be said such as; ‘do you think that girl is prettier than me’ or ‘do I look fat in this.” The result is degenerate alcoholism and rooting for a sports team that hasn’t won a championship in six decades.

The Coalition for Understanding the Nagging of Testosterone or CUNT for short released a statement in response to the very controversial study. “Women wouldn’t have to trick men into releasing their feelings if they would just stop pretending like what they were saying was already true.” The Male Association responded almost immediately, “but it is the truth.” This statement was greeted with a smile and a hug and followed by phone calls to several girlfriends inquiring “what did he really mean?”

Scientists are warning that this cycle will only get worse as Michael Imperioli makes more tequila commercials, driving both genders to drink to hallucinative states on everything other than 1800 tequila.

-Israel releases 1000 Palestinian prisoners in exchange for 1 pumpkin pie. Day traders are expecting pumpkin pie to challenge the Euro until the holidays then balance out to the normal exchange rate.

-Wikileaks exposes China’s actual population to be just shy of a hundred thousand people. In related news China is now the official holder of the Guinness World Record for most mirrors.

-Earlier in the week the Greek government shut down the Parthenon and other ancient stone dwellings to public access as a result of the growing protests and riots. Next week they are scheduled to move in.

-In a surprise move Canada broke all ties with the United States this week citing capitalist greed and social apathy. In related news, relations between the United States and newly established Russia West are expected to be frigid but stable.

-Polls were showing a growing concern amongst US citizens about the conflict escalating in Uganda. President Obama eased these concerns by sending troops to the region helping Americans entirely forget the existence of a war.

NEW YORK CITY, NY (USA)

Reports are coming in that following a settlement for over 40 million dollars the members of the occupy Wall Street movement have agreed to relocate to 5th Avenue. “We don’t want the public to think too much has changed though, we’re still pretty disorganized,” explained John R. a protester of three years, “some of us want to shop at Gucci while others are more interested in yachts.” Passion appears to be stronger than ever as evidenced by the escalation of costumes in the updated Facebook photos.

Corporations are not the only ones benefiting from the groundbreaking settlement. The GOP is seeing a surge in numbers not experienced since it was discovered that Fritz Mondale was not in fact a practical joke. House majority leader Eric Cantor had this to say, “at first we didn’t think there would be a place for them in the party, but then we introduced them to a newspaper and it’s been smooth ever since.” When asked why the sudden and startling change in political ideology movement leader Michael S. explained, “it was always our parents who had all the money, we had no clue the government just made you give a third of it back.”

Glenn Beck is now the front runner for the Republican Party in the upcoming presidential election and speculation is growing that due to a lack of expected attendance the next scheduled Burning Man festival will be cancelled.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (USA)

In a sad turn of events Steve Jobs has passed leaving behind a family and digital technology empire. He will be missed and remembered.

Bill Gates is expected to attain power only before seen in such immortals as Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery. The economy however will remain dormant until the expected apocalypse of 2012.

RIP Steve Jobs 1955-2011

PORTLAND, OR (USA)

Early this morning the Portland home of Wile E. Coyote was raided by a joint task force including SWAT and Homeland Security. Mr. Coyote was taken into custody and charged with acts to commit terrorist conspiracy. A large stockpile of explosives was confiscated from the property including two pounds of Acme Yellowcake. The suspect’s only comment was, “carnivorous innocentus.”

The Road Runner community is both relieved and worried. “It’s great that they caught the guy but who knows what other sleeper is amongst our communities,” commented local butcher Haim Roadrunner. Debate arose once again about the plans to construct a Coyote temple near the site of the World Trade Center terrorist attack. “It’s what the coyotes want! Since when have the wishes of Coyotes become more important than the wishes of Roadrunners? This is America!” continued Haim, “all my life I’ve been looking over my shoulder for dynamite, anvils, and false painted walls along the highway. I want my rights too.”

President Obama has taken great credit for the arrest and assured Americans that the government is doing the best they can to ensure our safety. Wile E. Coyote will be transported to Guantanamo Bay where he is expected to be fed three servings of Roadrunner daily as not to impede on his religious rights.

LAS VEGAS, NV (USA)

Not since the days of Ali and Frazier have fight fans been this excited for a scheduled match. Already being touted as the Fight of the Century, this upcoming Friday’s Hurricane vs. Earthquake is shaping up to be a blood bath of unnecessary panic and over-estimated destruction. Fans are already getting their water bottles and canned tomato soup ready. Promoter Don King spoke this morning during a breakfast press conference at the Vegas Hotel and Casino, “I just don’t know which will cause more panic, that’s why you have the match, so you can see who the clear winner is, who the people unreasonably fear more.”

All pay-per-view records are expected to be broken as well as Netflix Dexter marathons. Parts of the East Coast are already being evacuated to regions less prone to hurricanes and earthquakes. By moving the public to places like recently destructed Joplin, Missouri, generally known as tornado-country, East Coast residents are expected to be safe from East Coast destruction but close enough to Mid-West destruction as to not subside their already steady levels of panic.

Stay tuned for more information regarding something that will only questionably happen.