GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

With 99% of the votes counted Ron Paul is being named the clear winner of not winning a primary despite having tried really really hard and having a strong Facebook following. Balloons and confetti are already falling at the Paul headquarters in the party hall of the airport Marriott. “I’m very proud and thankful for today. I couldn’t have done it if there were more of you,” were the opening words from the humble congressman. “We will go on to lose Arizona! and Michigan! and Massachusetts!”

The other candidates are far from stunned at how much more they appear to be winning when compared to the struggling Paul. Mitt Romney was candid with reporters from GNN, “yes he has a strong internet following, but the internet is for people who don’t really go out and do things, like vote. It makes all the sense in the world.” Senator Santorum could not be reached for comment because he was presumably “out doing something creepy,” according to people who heard about the fetus story.

With Super Tuesday approaching public eyes are on Ron Paul awaiting to see what he will do to raise his status in popular culture yet still not win. “Maybe he’ll do another episode of The Daily Show,” was the sentiment of someone who listens to way too much Radiohead. “Or maybe not.”

DALLAS, TX (USA)

The Texas primary was considered to be an important one and the results came in early at around 10pm. With the Cookie Monster’s decisive ten point win over Mitt Romney, the GOP race has been widened yet again. “It’s anyone’s game,” a voter had to say. When asked what was it about the Cookie Monster that made him a viable candidate the response was simple, his strong anti-abortion, pro-cookie stance. “You just don’t see that from the other candidates.”

The Cookie Monster spoke at a press conference at 10:30pm graciously thanking his supporters and stating that he will continue to all fifty states. Although charismatic and experienced, some are worried that the Cookie Monster’s troubled past might come back to haunt him.

The Monster’s humble roots began on Sesame Street, an impoverished community located in Brooklyn, New York. He was tried and found not guilty in 1998 for the murder of local junkie, Snuffaluffagus. If his momentum continues he would be the first African American GOP candidate and only the second in the countries history to run in the general election.

CONCORD, NH (USA)

G.O.P. hopeful Mitt Romney has scored two huge victories in the first two contests of the GOP primary.  As many political analysts project Romney to compete for the Presidential seat against current President Barack Obama, political analysts have begun trying to predict who Romney will choose as his running mate to hold that potential Vice President seat.  Early projections have shown that the top contender could actually be a cross party partnership between the G.O.P. and the Empire Party, teaming with long time Empire Party favorite Darth Vader.

The partnership between the two parties to take down Democratic powerhouse Barack Obama is a surprise to some, as the two parties have more differences than they do similarities.  For example Romney has been accused of having socialist policies in the past. His healthcare initiatives, or “Romney Care” has been compared to Barack Obama’s (or “Obama Care”), so some would find it curious that he would team up with Vader, whose policies to crush the rebellion have often been called “Big Government” and “Socialist.”

If anything, the only common denominator between the two candidates, besides being extremely photogenic, are their deep rooted religious backgrounds.  They have a history of being pro life, but support the Death Penalty (Vader once destroyed an entire planet).  Many however have thought that Vader’s extreme religious views have been a detriment to the effectiveness of his policies.  One critic was quoted as saying, “Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels’ hidden fortress.”

DES MOINES, IA (USA)

Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum got 25 percent of the ballots cast in the Iowa caucuses, a strong surge in his presidential bid for the G.O.P. nomination Tuesday.  Initial impressions were that there was a mix up in the voting, where results were instead based off the quantity of Google searches for each candidate as opposed to actual Iowa voting; however that rumor was dispelled early Wednesday morning.  As it turns out, Rick Santorum credits his surge in the polls to hiring infamous Walt Disney Propaganda Machine, which gained notoriety during World War II making anti Nazi Propaganda.

Disney, which produced many shorts during WWII, promoted citizenship and created animations portraying the Axis as a violent enemy.  Just under 70 years later, Santorum has hired Disney to produce shorts for the Santorum Campaign.  Some of their more popular shorts have included “Vote Santorum, He’s Not a Jew,” and “Since corporations are people, Google is an Asshole.”

Disney and Santorum have received some criticism from the Liberal Media however; as they feel many of the ads have an anti-Semitic and anti-Gay undertones.  One ad in particular called “Voting Democrat means The Gays Win,” had many in the gay community upset.  However curiously the gay community was less upset about the fact the ad had been made, as Republicans gay bashing has become a bit of a standard practice. They were more that Donald Duck was the character chosen to portray Homosexuals in the short, because “Sailor Suits are soooo tacky.”

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Shortly after the New Year, the G.O.P. nomination will begin to come into focus beginning with the Iowa Caucus in January.  The G.O.P. primary so far as been a back and forth race with leaders like Herman Cain and Michelle Bachmann at one time leading and then falling back in the polls.  On the other side, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich at one time polled as low as 2%, now leads in the polls with some results showing as high as a 10 point lead over #2 candidate Mitt Romney.  Political Analysts have reported however that Newt’s comeback poll numbers leading into the Holiday season have less to do with his political policies, and more to do with his resemblance to Santa Clause.

Political analysts have theorized that this was no accident by the Gingrich camp, but an attempt to stomp out any Gingrich / Grinch associations before they could happen.  “We wanted to make sure that people would make a positive association this holiday season since Gingrich & Grinch sound so much alike, and obviously because of Newt’s tendency to sneak into people’s houses on Christmas Eve and steal small children’s presents.”  Gingrich has been seen on the campaign trail doing Santa Clause related activities, such as letting children sit on his lap, wearing red with a long white beard, and kissing your mother.

WASHINGTON DC. D.C. (USA)

Herman Cain, after rampant accusations of sexual harassment has elected to drop his bid for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America.  Cain has since stated that his reputation in the business community may be too damaged to return to his previous duties, and has elected to accept and offer to star in the upcoming TV reboot of cult blaxploitation character Shaft.

“I have to consider my options,” said Cain in and exclusive GNN interview, “and right now the American people see me as a strong black man with attitude who loooooooooooves the pussy.  Who better to play Shaft?  Besides, ‘It’s my duty to please that booty’ was going to be my original campaign slogan before my campaign manager talked me out of it.

Cain stated that he was going to use many of Shaft’s classic one liners, such as “When you lead your revolution, whitey better be standing still because you don’t run worth a damn no more,” and “Don’t let your mouth get your ass in trouble. “  However, he is excited at the opportunity to try and incorporate some of his own one liner’s, such as “Girl I got some pepperoni for that pizza,” as well as “YOU GONNA SERVE 9-9-9 TO LIFE MOTHA FUCKA!!!”

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

With the stock market dipping over 1100 points over the weekend congress was forced to take drastic bipartisan steps to alleviate the debt plaguing the nation. President Obama spoke this morning, reassuring citizens that the plan would be successful in both strengthening the economy, the dollar, and lower unemployment. “Nicolas Cage’s forehead will be the first great boom of the 21st century,” said President Obama, “American’s are already packing their belongings and heading out west with dollar signs in their eyes.” It is being reported make-shift towns are already being erected along the ridges of what was once a prominent hairline.

People are being warned however to show caution when relocating. Owner of the Royal Flush saloon and bordello John Daranger spoke on the situation out west, “it’s pretty lawless and very dangerous out here. Nicolas Cage’s forehead is not for the faint of heart.” President Obama has already responded by appointing a new sheriff, “fear not, law and order will not just be present but will be the precedent. Al Pacino’s gravel voice spoken through chewed gum will stand in the way of any and all outlaws.” Al Pacino’s gravel voice spoken through chewed gum had comment but reporters could not really make it out.

The world is in panic at what is being described as America not collapsing. China immediately responded by laboring half a million children at slave wages. Hu Jintao, President of the People’s Republic of China issued this statement, “be confident in China’s epic rise to global dominance. America has no chance. For every aging celebrity’s physical flaw they appoint political amnesty we shall abuse half a million children. We have many children.” President Obama spoke of outrage as he fitted on a new pair of Nike sneakers before taking to his backyard basketball court for a game of 1 on 1 with someone else who clearly has not been effected by the harsh economy.

WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

Unemployment statistics reaching record highs forced the executive branch and congress to pass a revolutionary labor act early this morning. It is predicted job creation will double if not triple in percentage. By women no longer being allowed to enter or be involved in the workforce, it is believed that thousands of new jobs will be open for far better qualified men.

The plan does have its skeptics, such as women who wear pant suits and women with short hair cuts. “This is despicable. It’s backwards and insulting, we won’t take this sitting down,” was the sentiment of the group. “I love it,” men had to say as they sipped on martinis and puffed on cigars.

The plan fell in line with Obama’s promise of bipartisan politics as both parties are generally fans of the show Mad Men, where the initiative drew its original inspiration. “Women of course will still be allowed secretarial work, but only the pretty ones,” vice president Joe Biden declared in front of a standing ovation in congress.

Coinciding with the passing of the new act was strengthened relations with Iran. Ayatollah Khomeini declared today a national holiday for his home country and accepted an invitation for political talks with President Obama to take place this upcoming week at Camp David.

Heaviest praise came from Bill Clinton. The former president acknowledged Barack Obama’s success at accomplishing something he could not do himself, removing current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from the White House.

Washington, DC (USA)

As of the signing of new reforms this morning by President Barack Obama, people open about their homosexual sexual orientation are now allowed in the army. Most appalled by this decision was the gay community.

“Really, he’s going to play us like that,” was the outcry from gay community spokesperson, Shia LaBeouf, “we just don’t want to go.” When asked why a heterosexual actor was hand picked as representation for the movement the response was clear, “he might not have sex with men, but he’s still pretty gay.”

Protesters first started circling the streets of all major cities two weeks ago, when the initiative was originally proposed. Least effected by the policy changes were homosexual women, or in certain circles known as lesbians. Many members of this community, already long time recruits of the armed services, chose not to comment.

When asked why he was so adamant on the passing of the act President Obama had this to say, “people are all created equal, there is no reason Army recruiters should only target the poor and stupid. The gays can fire a rifle just as straight, ironically, maybe even straighter. Time will tell.”

When asked how they felt about the upcoming changes, enlisted servicemen were split on opinion. “ I really don’t mind, anyone who loves this country I’d want fighting by my side,” was contrasted strongly with, “god hates fagots.” It came as a shock to many that opinions could be so opposing on the matter.

If you ask this reporter, whether it be a homosexual from the West Village of Manhattan island, or a card carrying bigot from Flint, Michigan, as long as someone is protecting my American hide I’ll sleep well at night.

DISCLAIMER: GNN does not endorse the opinions of the few, unless of course they’re like really really funny.

Washington, DC (USA)

Following the lengthy State of the Union address delivered by President Barack Obama on January 27th, 2010, White House officials released a statement that they had reached upon a successful bipartisan solution to the harsh economy. Gold.

Sources tell us White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was watching cable news network media when landing upon the miraculous discovery. “I was there on my couch in my underwear eating cereal watching TV, as I always do, and G. Gordon Liddy came on the screen.”

Liddy, notorious for being one of former President Nixon’s chief aids, and an ex con, has recently made a name for himself with a popular infomercial describing the financial benefits of gold.

Rahm Emanuel had this to say, “by investing in gold, the USA will be decades ahead of our competitors.” Emanuel then followed by explaining that the newly purchased gold will be kept tarnish free with Tarn-X X-brand tarnish remover, available at local Wallmart, Kmart, Nordstrom outlets.

Current Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin weighted in on the debate chastising the United States for such underhanded tactics. The dismay is believed to be sourced from recent purchases Russia made making the nation the worlds leading owner of silver and silver byproducts.

When questioned on his own precious metals Putin had this to say, “something had to take the attention away from all the uranium.” An immediate whirlwind of media frenzy and political backlash was created forcing the Prime Minister to pull on some strings and squeeze his hand resulting in President Dmitry Medvedev’s rebuttal, “it’s not for us, we swear. We’re just holding it for Iran.”