Tobacco Industry Reaches New Customers; Begins Marketing “Corpse Cigarettes.”
SALEM, NC (USA)
The tobacco industry has been under scrutiny for many years. The last several decades have been marked by hearings accusing the industry of products causing health issues, marketing to children, and lobbying scandals at the highest ranks of government. Recently they have taken a step in a new direction. They are still making tobacco products, but are now marketing them to an older group that is incapable of developing new health issues, dead people.
The tobacco industry has since begun one of the most aggressive marketing campaigns in years. Strong regulations against advertisements on television and other media have usually prevented the tobacco industry from going on marketing blitzes, but none of those laws applied to the diseased. Marlboro has begun sponsoring celebrity funerals, most recently hosting the “Dick Clarks countdown to flavor,” advertised as “a very tasteful celebration of Dick Clark’s life, wishing him well in his journey to flavor country.”
Critics have suggested that the tobacco industry has just found an advertising loophole, and that they are advertising to dead people hoping the living will see the ads and buy their products. “How do dead people even buy tobacco products let alone use them?” said Nancy Stallworth, chairman of The Truth, and anti-smoking nonprofit organization; “It doesn’t make any sense! They are just trying to advertise tobacco products right in front of everyone’s face again like it was the 50’s and get away with it!” The Tobacco industry has responded to such criticism with an official statement saying “There is no evidence to suggest that a zombie apocalypse isn’t coming, and we are simply setting ourselves up to offer zombies a smooth, refreshing, brain eating alternative.”
Mubarek Joins CurrentTV Line-Up To Host “Party Like Despot”
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
Replacing one egomaniac with another, CurrentTV announced fallen Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak will join its TV Line-up in a new show tentatively called “Party Like A Despot.” The show will replace the canceled “Countdown with Keith Olbermann.” Mubarak stated, “I need to lay low while awaiting trial and I’m confident nobody will ever be able to find me on CurrentTV.” CurrentTV promises viewers will learn how to “Party Like Despot” in episodes like “I Just Got A Camel To Confess To War Crimes, Now Let’s Dance,” “Water Boarding: Game Night Winner,” and “Electric Prod: The Ultimate Party Starter.” And, for teenagers, a variation on an old kissing game called “Spin The Dissident.” Mubarak added “Thanks to CurrentTV, I can’t wait to NOT to be seen by billions of people around the globe.”
The show will air on Time/Warner’s Channel 234234, viewers are warned to go directly to the network, channel surfing to find it can cause Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. Olbermann was quoted as saying, “I can only wish Hosni becomes as obscure as I did on CurrentTV. My own mailman recently asked me, ‘Didn’t you used to be that Keith Olberman guy?’” In a related story Bravo Network announced due the fall of Mubarak, Khaddafi, etc., it is scrapping plans for it’s fall series “Real Dictators of the Middle East.”
Ohio Hangover Victim Swears Off Drinking
CLEVELAND, OH (USA)
Following a night of binge drinking and charging excessive amounts of money onto his student credit card, Robert Almont of Cleveland, Ohio has sworn off drinking for life. “I just can’t keep doing this. My head hurts, I want to puke, it’s torture. Drinking is not what it was a few years ago, i’m just never doing this again.” Mr. Almont also promises to begin a steady regiment of jogging, lifting weights, getting an attractive girlfriend, and not being an all around loser anymore.
The FDA is warning Americans to look out for the following signs of a hangover including but not limited to nausea, headaches, sensitivity to light, and waking up next to a someone far fatter than yourself, unless of course the female is black and you are a skinny white male in which case you are then suffering from a case of living a stereotype.
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Chinese Citizen Stuns Nation, Exhibits Emotion
XI’AN, CHINA
For the first time since the Great Smile of 1974 a Chinese citizen has defied government regulation and exhibited what western cultures refer to as emotions. “He frowned however rumors are already circulating that there was a tear,” reported GNN field correspondent Neil Thisdale. “Although it is not known at this time if there will be judicial action against the individual however what is certain is that he will probably be slaughtered in a prison camp that America doesn’t know about because China is in fact secretive Communist government.”
Xing Chen Li, or Howie as he is known by his friends, began to show signs of remorse after his first shift working at a local pig farm. Never having experienced death Howie was overcome by emotion at the site of a butcher skinning an infant pig. His own slaughter is expected to occur at the same farm and most likely by the same butcher.
Direct Link Between Listening To Barry Manilow Songs and Diabetes Shown
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
The American Diabetes Society released a study showing a direct link between listening to Barry Manilow songs and diabetes. Scientists played the song “Mandy” over and over again to one group of lab rats, fed another group only “Coco Puffs” cereal and used a control group to perform the study. The rats that were forced to listen to Manilow 24/7 came down with the disease 20% more frequent than the “Coco Puff” rats and 75% more than the control group. Dr. Fritz Koslow who led the study said, “Apparently nothing is more sugary sweet than a Manilow tune. We will be asking that all Manilow tunes come with a warning, ‘I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Need Insulin.’”
Goodell, NFL To Become Touch Football League
NEW YORK, NY (USA)
Following the bounty scandal involving Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to redraft some of the leagues oldest rules. “We have lost touch with what this game really means. It used to be about love and dedication, your teammates and a common goal to win. Now it’s just about hitting each other and scoring.” Goodell continued, “toward the end of his life Johnny Unitas lived in a near paralyzed state because he loved the game, not because there were violent acts directed towards him.” The commissioner dodged all questions about the great Polaroid scandal of ’58, referring of course to when Mr. Unitas was caught mailing poorly developed photos of his genitals to a Pan Am stewardess.
Players around the league were elated to find out about the changes to the rules. Baltimore Ravens linebacker and future hall of famer Ray Lewis weighted in on the decision, “it’s not the kind of world I want to live in. I don’t hate the opposing quarter back, I think we should all try to be supportive of each other. A Superbowl victory for one is a Superbowl victory for all. It’s like the Occupy Movement said, we should look out for each other.” In related news, three more were critically injured when Occupy Movement camps erupted into anarchic violence.
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NetFix: You’ll Flip Your Lid Over It
LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)
NetFlix today announced plans to bail itself out of its financial and PR nightmares. Using their movie distribution formula, they’ll take on the field of marijuana distribution with the opening of NetFix. For a fee of just $250 a month, NetFix will mail out an initial packet of seven marijuana delivery systems (or, joints, as they are more commonly known.) Customers will then mail back the used marijuana delivery system and another one will be sent out immediately. For $350 a month, the customer can opt for the Bob Marley special package – “Rasta Reefer Madness” – that will include extra large-sized individually wrapped 100% Jamaican product and a collectible Marley commemorative “Roach Clip.” Buyers will also be able to mix and match product from around the world. Choices include: Maui Wowie, Tijuana Grass, Congo Cannabis and a special brand just for the ladies, Mary Jane Lite. NetFix plans to begin advertising next spring with the slogan: NetFix: You’ll Flip Your Lid Over It.
Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”
The Editor
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