Red Bank, New Jersey (USA)

Physicians are puzzled over the surge in new cases of glaucoma in the New Jersey area. Glaucoma, generally effecting the elderly and decrepit, has struck an age group never before encountered in such numbers.

The 18-35 year old demographic has been flocking into local medical offices with complaints of blurred vision, eye pain, and nausea. Doctor Samuel Horowitz elaborated, “it’s shocking and interesting both at the same time. Fortunately for the unfortunate youth of this city, medical marijuana, a perfect treatment for the condition was recently made legal for medical use.”

The GNN correspondent conducting the interview, having already studied the related symptoms on webmd procured enough fatty’s, doobies, blunts, dubs and sacks for the entire office to conduct a proper and thorough investigation.

Middle class suburban parents are outraged that the government isn’t intervening more into what they’re already labeling a pandemic. With no other reasoning or explanation, conclusions have to be drawn that President Obama just hates white people.

GNN sat down with one of the youths in question. Donning a tie-dyed shirt and puka shell necklace, the 19-year-old resident of Red Bank, New Jersey felt strangely calm and relaxed. The interview began.

GNN: So glaucoma kid, can you detail to us exactly what happened.

GK: Well, I was just chilling and my vision got all fucked up. I couldn’t see a thing.

GNN: So that would explain your attire?

GK: What?

GNN: Was your resident physician hesitant to prescribe the medicinal marijuana.

GK: Not really.

GNN: What is it that you had to tell him to get it, and please, be specific.