Birjand, Iran

This morning an attempted suicide bomber was convicted on multiple counts of rape. The failed attempt at a terrorist attack occurred the night before when twenty-three year old Zahir Abdulah Abdulah Rahman entered a crowded bus.

Upon entering the bus Zahir immediately began inspecting the contents of his book bag only to discover he had forgotten to pack the explosive device. He notified the driver of the bus and explained he would return later in the evening.

He was beaten unconscious by the remaining crowd on the bus. “It really brought the community together,” an eyewitness had to say. Zahir spent the evening in intensive care and awoke early this morning. Still dazed from the incident and intoxicated by painkillers, Zahir had forgotten the earlier events and was under the impression his plan was completed successfully. Zahir, joyous to see what he believed to be the first of many virgins, attacked the entering nurse upon first sight.

Hospital Chief Mahmud Abdulah Abdulah Omar Sharif was left devastated as a result of the incident, “it’s a shame and an unfortunate accident. If there were precautions that could have been taken, we would certainly have taken them.”

The nurse, nineteen year old Aasera Azeez, was sentenced to death as a result of premarital intercourse.