Jersey Shore, NJ (USA)

With the new found discovery of lost footage from The Jersey Shore, scientist have now concluded that all Italians are in fact retarded. This shines new light on the attempts of the Italian community to protest the airing of the series in hopes of keeping the cultures long kept secret safe.

The revelation came as a surprise to some of the most respected members of the Italian community. GNN’s longtime columnist, George Pitkin had an opportunity to sit down with famed director and recently discovered retard Francis Ford Coppola.

GP: How did it feel, personally, how did it make your family feel?

FFC: It was devastating. It came as a shock to both myself and my family. My wife is not of Italian decent so she wasn’t affected however my kids are all half retarded.

GP: My condolences.

FFC: When I established that all Italians are gangsters it was one thing, but these new findings, it’s tragic to the whole community.

GP: How will this effect your life?

FFC: I really don’t know. I was signed to shoot a feature this upcoming summer, now I just need to start thinking about my day to day activities.

The news did not come as a shock to all. Bruce McMurphy, an Irish bartender from Sunnyside, Queens, had this to say, “I knew they were retarded. Just look at them.” As a result of their previous now known to be scientifically valid hypothesis, Bruce and his three gas station attendant friends will each receive honorary doctorates from Columbia University.

The Italians are now joining a coalition with the French, who are all sissy’s and smoke cigarettes, the Kazakh’s, who all fornicate with their siblings and live in impoverished villages, and the Obama’s, who clearly should have been less specific with their campaign promises.

As tragic as a scientific discovery this may be, MTV should still be commended on their months of research and GNN congratulates them on their reception of the Nobel Prize, a prestigious and legitimate award.

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