Washington, DC (USA)

As of the signing of new reforms this morning by President Barack Obama, people open about their homosexual sexual orientation are now allowed in the army. Most appalled by this decision was the gay community.

“Really, he’s going to play us like that,” was the outcry from gay community spokesperson, Shia LaBeouf, “we just don’t want to go.” When asked why a heterosexual actor was hand picked as representation for the movement the response was clear, “he might not have sex with men, but he’s still pretty gay.”

Protesters first started circling the streets of all major cities two weeks ago, when the initiative was originally proposed. Least effected by the policy changes were homosexual women, or in certain circles known as lesbians. Many members of this community, already long time recruits of the armed services, chose not to comment.

When asked why he was so adamant on the passing of the act President Obama had this to say, “people are all created equal, there is no reason Army recruiters should only target the poor and stupid. The gays can fire a rifle just as straight, ironically, maybe even straighter. Time will tell.”

When asked how they felt about the upcoming changes, enlisted servicemen were split on opinion. “ I really don’t mind, anyone who loves this country I’d want fighting by my side,” was contrasted strongly with, “god hates fagots.” It came as a shock to many that opinions could be so opposing on the matter.

If you ask this reporter, whether it be a homosexual from the West Village of Manhattan island, or a card carrying bigot from Flint, Michigan, as long as someone is protecting my American hide I’ll sleep well at night.

DISCLAIMER: GNN does not endorse the opinions of the few, unless of course they’re like really really funny.