Guantanamo, Cuba

Following President Barack Obama’s promise to bring the military prison at Guantanamo Bay to a close, many of those captured during the middle east conflict are being returned to their native homelands. Many GOP members are opposed to this strategy however their complaints are being overshadowed by outcries from the prisoners themselves.

“Oh, this is most certainly bullshit,” stated Faheed Abdulah Abdulah Rahman, “you can’t spoil a man for several years with food and safety and pull the rug out from under him.”

The newly formed Coalition for a Safe Return, or CSR has laid out a list of demands. “Ideally we would like all those deported to be returned, safely. We understand that will be a long-term battle. As for now we are negotiating that no one else be transported out of the facility at the very least until the season finale of NBC’s The Office.”

Questions like will Andy Bernard finally ask out new secretary Erin, what will Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly-Halpert name their newborn child, may never be answered for those having to return to their war torn homelands.

Alternatively, the coalition would peacefully accept deportation to Southern Florida, the side group being referred to as CSR Miami.

“This is what they do, politicians. And that is why we’re here, we fight for these people,” was the sentiment from representatives of ACORN, a reform group fighting for the rights of those who probably shouldn’t have any in the first place.

There is fear that if policy isn’t reversed that the accused terrorists currently residing on Guantanamo Bay might turn to terrorist action. Most surprised by this news were the people who would probably be most affected by a terrorist act.

“That was so 2001,” brushed off a “dude” and his “girl” from the Berkeley area of northern California, “don’t believe the lies.” The two then smoked a “doobie” with their professor and deconstructed the lyrics and melody of Bob Dylan’s It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue.