Skakoki, Ohio (USA)

John O’Reilly usually spends his weekends watching sports, guzzling beer, and scolding children that possibly might not even be his. To the dismay of the woman he is currently living with, this weekend Mr. O’Reilly will be bed ridden at St. Bartholomew Hospital in Skakoki, Ohio.

“He was just sitting there playing with himself one moment, next thing I know there’s blood everywhere and a lot of crying.” John’s maybe, maybe not girlfriend did the only thing she could and dialed 911. GNN has obtained an excerpt of the phone call.

O’REILLY’S WOMAN FRIEND – He was picking something out of his belly button, I think he went too far.

911 OPERATOR – Excuse me?

O’REILLY’S WOMAN FRIEND – He’s asking if he should stop picking at it.

John was rushed to the local hospital, losing conciseness several times in the ambulance during the ride. EMT’s explained that the wounds were in fact not that dangerous and that Mr. O’Reilly was having nothing more than a common reaction to a cocktail of alchohol, pcp, and a highly redundant genetic pool.

“He’s actually a lucky guy. Had he not dug in there so far causing the rupture, we never would have found his self respect.” Happiest of all was John O’Reilly, “I didn’t even know I had any self respect. This changes everything.”

John exited the hospital donning an Armani three piece suit with black leather Bruno Magli shoes. He currently resides in Wilkshire Hills gated community and spends his days trading Chinese commodities on the Hong Kong market.