Flint, Michigan (USA)

After extensive research the Columbia Center for Health Studies has come to the conclusion that guns are dangerous. “These things in the wrong hands could be really deadly, it’s quite shocking actually,” project manager Robert Sohff declared, “we shot at the elderly, women, children, small animals, every test conducted concluded with the same results and findings. These things are just far more dangerous than any of us knew about.”

Congress is already being lobbied for a federal law requiring a warning label to be made available on every gun sold. “People need to know. It’s not like it was fifty years ago, we have the knowledge now.” As a result of this study 90% of committed suicides over the past two decades are being recategorized as accidental.

A new organization, MAAS or Mothers Against Accidental Suicide has been formed to lobby against the sale of firearms in the United States. “If they stop selling these ticking time bombs then people can’t kill themselves anymore. Think about all the great artists we’d still have today, Ernest Hemmingway, Kurt Cobain, and Hunter S. Thompson just to name a few.”

Unhealthy foods are being lobbied against too, as well as fast cars, sharp things, and tall ledges. Next will be the mentally challenged and logically, minorities. “These things are dangerous. Why have dangerous things available when you don’t have to,” says activist James Cartwall, who later died of a cardiac arrest while jogging on a treadmill.