Wuhan, China

Reports initially came in at around 3:30am local time of flashing lights in the sky and the sound of explosions. First on the scene was 25 year old Xin Xaou, a third generation local rapist and entrepreneur. Our translators transmitted this statement and we are publishing it in its entirety:

“The sky turned white. Like a light bulb when first flickered on. I was confused but interested, naturally. I grabbed for a camera and a kitchen knife and ran into the woods, to get closer to the source of the light. That was when I heard the loud noise. They came from everywhere, so many of them. And they all looked the same.”

It was at this point that the interview was concluded amidst police intervention. The Chinese government denies any such activities and Xin Xaou has been sentenced to death for treasonous activity. The following day Chinese officials declared an end to statewide hunger.

A spokesmen for the Naktar species from Galactus 7b issued a response statement, “our men came in peace, exploration and research. Now they are missing, prisoners of a war we did not start. There are also several hundred Whale Probes missing that were last detected off the coast of Japan.”

The Japanese, still recovering from devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear meltdowns that media outlets have long forgotten refused to deny the allegations. Current Prime Minister Naoto Kan had this to say in a nationally televised press conference, “Yes we ate them. We would eat them again.” This statement forced politicians from around the globe to take action. It is believed that by week’s end a document will be signed by the leading officials of over 20 nations declaring what Asians can and can’t eat.

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