Frankfurt, Germany

On this season of Pawn Stars glamorous items range from Revolutionary era signed documents to rare Elvis records to struggling European Mecca of culture Greece. Following scandals at the IMF and being forced into a situation of rising debt, unemployment, and back payments on rent Germany has been forced to unload some of its personal belongings. Along with Greece Germany is also in the market to sell off its beanie baby collection, estimated by Christies at a startling $20,000. “The entire lot,” German President Christian Wolff hopes, “will hopefully go for $20,400. We’ll go as low as twenty-one on the deal.”

Greece, upon discovery of the news this morning responded by declaring a nationwide manhunt for Jesse Katsopolis, the man they feel holds most responsibility for the crisis, along with several other of the Rippers. This will not however be a joint NATO mission. In similar news South Africa plans to pawn Botswana, all to be documented on this season of Hardcore Pawn. Following suspicion of the treaty UN inspectors oversaw the entire transaction and stated that the episode also includes threats of violence, some white trash, and several Somalian pirates selling a VCR for $10. With the eastern hemisphere in such disarray it comes as highly comforting news today that Gallop polls reveal 30% of Americans have at least some clue and an astonishing 52% no clue whatsoever of what is going on.

The President himself spoke on the matter, “yes, there appears to be some activity in regions of the world notorious for instability and oppression. Rest assured, this does not affect in any way our own economic situation. We are strong, united, and nothing will stand in the way of our own collapse, even the collapse of smaller nations. Thank you and God bless America.” President Obama then complemented the Sudanese on what they refer to as not being a genocide and promptly apologized for any American wrong doing.

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