HARLEM, NY (USA)
Top professionals in the psycho-analytics field are already clamoring about recently published findings by accredited marijuana dealer and sometimes philosopher Arthur Wilkens. Photographer’s cameras flashed through the entire press conference this morning as Wilkens attempted to, in detail, describe the steps that led to his discovery, “who gives a fuck how I came up with it.” He then fanned several dollar bills in the air and tossed them at the faces of the gathered reporters continuing with inspiring chants of, “make it rain.”
Columbia University Professor Benjamin Welsengton III retired shortly after Wilkens Facebook status was updated this morning at approximately 9:05am. “There was no way I could continue; it would have been a charade. Everything we knew was wrong, nothing else to say.” Leading specialists claim this is the greatest revolution since Sigmund Freud’s publications on psycho-sexual theories. Former Professor Welsengton III attempted to explain the reasoning behind the uproar, “you have to break down Wilkens’ theories piece by piece. Look at the subtext. ‘sometimes you just have to let shit slide,’ truly mind blowing it’s amazing how it took so long for something like this to come out.”
The status immediately reached popular acclaim with four likes and two comments. One from Wilken’s fifteen year old cousin proclaiming “truth” and one from a girl that Wilkens met the previous week while dealing ecstasy at a Neyo concert. The two reportedly flirting for several days already, rumors have been circulating that they are on their second round of pokes. The couple’s relationship status is expected to change by later this afternoon to “it’s complicated.” Wilkens is confident he will have sex later today on his mother’s couch adding, “fuck condoms,” believed to be a hint at his next possible theory.
The community has its dissenters as well. The other 259 friends that Wilkens has listed on his facebook page protested the theory by ignoring it altogether. Long time friend Fred S. had this to say, “you never let shit slide. Bed Stuy do or die!” Fred S. is currently in critical condition at Coney Island Hospital stemming from an altercation that took place an hour ago at a Sheepshead Bay cinemaplex. His right lung punctured, left sneaker, still scuffed.