Port-au-Prince, Haiti

This morning Haitian president-elect Michel Martelly in a long awaited address spoke to the nation on live radio, “After months of foreign aid and labor I am proud to say this great nation has finally made a full recovery, we now have no choice but to declare a state of emergency.” Foreign media, believing the quake in question to be the one off the shore of Japan, continued to ignore the news altogether.

GNN first reported of an earthquake striking off the shores of Haiti in January of 2010. The results were devastating and news outlets followed the story until reports came in that the public got bored and demanded fresher topics. This pattern continued until multi-Grammy winning artist Wyclef Jean announced his campaign for presidency of the country thus proving the longtime held belief that Wyclef Jean is more important than Haiti.

Although all statistics are subject to change; current crime levels have successfully reached their pre-earthquake numbers and with the last aid worker leaving tourism is at an all time low. According to polls conducted on the island the state of emergency would have come sooner had it not been for the confusion as to which rubble was caused by the quake and which by crippling poverty.

White House press secretary Jay Carney commented on the situation claiming that although no more aid will be presented upon Haiti for earthquake recovery “rest assured” that politicians will just have to revert to previous systems of stealing government funds.