Milwaukee, WI (USA)

Sources are leaking police reports claiming that a Milwaukee teenager was caught earlier this morning in the act of masturbation. Rose Cartwright, grandmother to teen Jim Cartwright Jr., was asked by her son to housesit while he and his wife vacationed on an Alaskan cruise. She had this to say, “it didn’t seem like a big deal. Just watch the house for a week, spend some time with my grandson. You never think these things will happen to you.” Tragedy struck earlier this morning when reports are claiming that while trying to raise her grandson’s attention for “something funny she saw on TV” she caught him masturbating in his bedroom.

The Cartwright Jr. camp strongly denies any wrongdoing, “I was just talking to friends on Facebook.” This differs strongly from the allegations that he “shut off the monitor” and that he “quickly pulled up his shorts.” The state is sure to file charges however this is expected to be a lengthy and taxing trial. “If you can’t trust your kids by themselves in their bedrooms, how can you trust the government at all,” was the sentiment of one unemployed Milwaukee local. The community does have its shocked and many are already preparing a protest scheduled for later this week. A former masturbater and current mother of three vocally defended the teen, “politicians fuck you, big business fucks you, the last place they should be drawing the line of who can fuck you is yourself. It’s in the Bill of Rights!”

The consequences of this scandal are believed to reach full effect by later this evening. According to teen masturbation analyst and Cartwright’s 17 year old cousin Arthur Cartwright, all communication will cease with “that girl he’s been talking to in school” and “it’s pretty funny.” GNN will continue to cover this story exclusively regardless of how much more destruction whatever is left of Japan happens to endure.

Advertisements