WAPELLO, IA (USA)

Bystanders at Lake Odessa reported Wednesday that local cashier Kelly Caldwell acted like a total drama queen during her friend’s swim party just because her head was submerging under the deep murky water and she couldn’t breathe. “She totally ruined the afternoon with her needy theatrics,” said one partygoer who witnessed the diva at the height of her narcissistic display. “We get it, you’re seconds away from death! Dial it down.”

According to witnesses she made her desperate grab for attention at 2:43 p.m., “accidentally” slipping off the pier and splashing into the waters below. Flailing her arms without even a modicum of restraint, she loudly demanded everybody drop everything to attend to her needs.

Rolling her eyes skyward, lifeguard Teresa Samson assisted Caldwell in getting back to shore. “It’s my job,” commented Samson tersely through gritted teeth. “If I don’t do it, I’ll get fired.”

Caldwell is currently listed in stable condition at Unity Hospital.

By Cease

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