In a press conference before shareholders and various media representatives, Nabisco CEO Irene Rosenfeld proudly announced that the amount of mouse feces found in each package of Nutter Butter cookies falls well below legal limits. “This is a banner day for the company,” Rosenfeld said before the excited crowd. “Today we send a clear message to Nutter Butter customers that when you purchase our cookies, you are getting less rat droppings than the government says is too much.” FDA official policy states that in order for foodstuffs to be legally manufactured and sold within the United States, rodent fecal matter may not comprise more than .0098 % of the food’s content.

Through their publicity department, Nabisco officials conceded that in the past they lobbied congressional officials to pressure the FDA into raising the allowable level of vermin shit in their products as high as 3%. “Look, in a perfect world, we could self-police the amount of dung allowed into our Nutter Butter cookies until our company gets it to a level we feel comfortable with,” stated Nabisco public relations director Samson Wallace. “However, we dutifully abided by all government regulations and took steps to reduce the levels of filthy diseased rodent shit. That’s the Nutter Butter way.” Wallace added, “Keep an eye out for PB & J flavored Nutter Butters, coming soon!”

Not everybody is pleased with the stance that the Nutter Butter cookie line has taken. Food Pacific Manufacturing Journal, an industry trade publication, lamented that reducing turd content in Nutter Butters is antithetical to the American consumer’s ethos. “You wouldn’t tell grandma to make an apple pie without apples,” the article stated. “When the average cookie customer buys [Nutter Butters], he wants the turds he paid for in the mix. That’s the Nutter Butter his parents ate, and that’s one he wants to eat.”

by Cease