FARMINGTON HILLS, MI (USA)

A recent report released by the National Education Association (NEA) indicated Monday that the academic achievement gap separating Juggalo from Non-Juggalo students appears to be widening well beyond the point most observers previously thought possible. “I was shaken by the results,” said NEA Executive Director John I. Wilson. “What could possibly account for Non-Juggalo students so vastly outperforming their Juggalo peers? It is unconscionable that we, as a nation, could allow a whole generation of Juggalos and Juggalettes to slip through the cracks like this.”

The moniker ‘Juggalo’ refers to the subset of extreme fans of horrorcore musical duo Insane Clown Posse (ICP) and other Psychopathic Records artists, such as Twiztid and Dark Lotus. Juggalos can often be recognized by their garish face paint, love of professional wrestling, and general obesity.

According to the NEA study, fewer than one-third of all Juggalos graduate from high school, compared with 72% percent of students who don’t spray Faygo soft drinks on one another while caked in sweaty makeup. Even as early as sixth grade, Juggalo students have already begun trailing behind, with just 12% attaining proficiency in mathematics, as opposed to 44% of the general school population. They do however exceed all other groups in categories including eating glue and staring blankly at things that can probably make you blind.

On measure after measure, Juggalos are demonstrably floundering. They are three times as likely to be placed in special education programs, twice as likely to be suspended, and nearly six times as likely to be spat or urinated upon while surrounded by jeering crowds of hostile classmates.

The public nature of he sobering report has grabbed the country’s attention and compelled politicians nationwide to address the controversy. “In the world of public education, there really are two Americas,” said John Edwards, former U.S. Senator, “In one America, you have diligent students working hard in school, getting good grades, and making their family proud by going to college and becoming successful in life. In the other America, you’re looking at an ocean of semiliterate halfwits with scabby meth faces sauntering in late to homeroom mouthing the newest drivel from their cynical heroes Violent J and Shaggy Two Dope.”

by Cease

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