During a surprise press conference held Tuesday in that one abandoned shed, Children of the Corn leader, Brother Isaac, announced the end of his cult’s long history of kidnap, murder, and mass suicide. “Call it growing old,” Brother Isaac read from a corn husk spattered in blood, “but it all just seems kind of dumb. Pagan worship. Virgin sacrifice. Childish is what it is.”

Children of the Corn’s reign of terror drew national attention nearly 35 years ago with the smiting of Burt and Vicky Robeson of California. “If you ask me,” said Brother Malachi, cult muscle, “we brought those idiots closer together. But that’s neither here nor there. We’re moving on. And thank He Who Walks Behind the Rows for that! If I have to force feed myself one more of Sister Abigail’s corn cakes, I’m going to die.”

With Tuesday’s announcement, Children of the Corn members are calling for the world’s aide in mainstream assimilation. “Think of it this way,” noted Brother Job, Harvest of Blood chief organizer. “Some kids got tree houses. Others imaginary friends. We went the public disembowelment route. Silly, right? Now what’s this Dave n’ Busters we’ve been hearing about? Is that place for real?”

Brother Isaac concluded the press conference with a once and for all burning of 200 acres of sacred cornfield, upon which a series of blood-curling shrieks could be heard for miles around. “Oops! Looks like we’ve done it now!” Isaac laughed. “But seriously, what the hell was that?”

by DJ Pandoro