MORRISTOWN, VT (USA)
Five time been rejected by a girl at a bar champion and local Game of Thrones enthusiast Daniel Asch is making startling claims that are sending the scientific community into an alarmed state. “Milk ruined my life,” claimed Asch, “I currently have a lawyer and we’re looking into a class action suit against milk.” This would not be the first time such claims have been made and big milk companies do not seem to be worried. This statement was released earlier this morning, “milk is delicious and safe.”
Mr. Asch is claiming that side effects from excessive milk use include but are not limited to floppy titties, bad breath, and farting that one time while trying to tell a joke at a house party. The accusations are alarming but doctor’s claim that they are surprisingly easy to prove. Nationally renowned gastroenterologist Sen Gupta explained, “milk effects the body in very strange ways. I myself was a heavy milk abuser several years ago, directly resulting in infidelity and child abuse. My family has since forgiven me and we have dedicated ourselves to spreading the truth about this dangerous and highly addictive product.”
Nabisco lobbyists are preparing themselves for the worst, “we don’t expect to win any popularity contests any time soon. We just want what’s fair.” When asked if they would let their own children drink milk one had this to say, “I’d buy him his first box of cookies.”
GNN offices have learned that Dr. Gupta has been admitted to facilities in New England following a relapse resulting in calling his brother a “lazy loser” and his mother “an over bearing bitch.” Our prayers go out to his family. Our offices have also learned that Daniel Asch has just won his sixth title at having not gotten laid by a drunk girl at a bar and continues to enjoy Game of Thrones.