BLOOMINGTON, IL (USA)

As of twenty minutes ago reports started pouring in that an Illinois Harry Potter fan, 27 year old John Appleton of River Valley, is no longer a virgin. The incident occurred on the couch located against the east wall of his parent’s basement and is already attracting skepticism from the nation’s leading analysts.

“With these kinds of stories the burden of proof has to be very heavy,” Rep. Rich Nugent, R-Fla. had to say, “if we believed every twenty-seven year old who claimed to finally have had sex with a female none of his friends ever saw before Judd Apatow would be out of actors.” Upon hearing news that the self-proclaimed just got laid guy was also an enthusiastic fan of Harry Potter Rep. Nugent responded, “was she handicapped?” GNN reporters are investing claims further.

John Appleton Sr. stood firm in his son’s defense, “don’t take this away from me!” He is expected to repeat the story for several months to co-workers including that one guy who will “still feel bad for him.”

GNN will follow this story as it progresses.

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