BERKELEY, CA (USA)

Scientists are concluding that after over two decades of research in significantly more cases than not condoms took away all the feeling during sexual intercourse. Head researcher Brian Lopez began experiments in the fall of 1985 upon receiving a grant from his father, in hopes that the pack of prophylactics could better the future of society. Since then over ten million dollars have been spent in research ranging from drinking Four Lokos to that girl who doesn’t mind doing you and your friend. Conclusions all pointed to the hypothesized theory that condoms do in fact take away all the feeling.

“I knew it,” claimed one Spanish Harlem resident. All were not so supportive and skepticism came from many communities. Especially distraught were females who “want to finish college,” as one female who already dropped out of college put it. Jewish communities who don’t keep kosher but still watch baseball did not comment.

When GNN female correspondent Tasha Kimball asked what effect this would have on people’s everyday lives Dr. Lopez was not candid in his response, “girl you know I-I-I.” The doctor sipped on some water to clear his throat then continued, “girl you know I-I-I.”

“And what about people who don’t find themselves in the top 5% bracket?”

“Don’t need candles and cake, just need your body to make.”

“And minority communities?”

“Birthday sex.”

“What’s that again?”

“Birthday sex.”

“So it would be a bipartisan plan?

“Birthday sex.”

GNN’s female correspondent Tasha Kimball is now scheduled to begin her maternity leave eight and a half months from now.

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