PALO ALTO, CA (USA)

Contrary to popular belief new studies are showing that doing lots of drugs will probably kill you. Most dangerous have been found to be those that are physically addictive. The studies, conducted on college campuses and impoverished neighborhoods across America are returning results almost immediately. “I’ve been resuscitated almost four times already,” claimed one test subject who clearly has never seen Requiem for a Dream or Trainspotting.

Scientists are already searching for the root of the epidemic and believe the obvious answer to be the parents. “You see, by missing that one dance recital because of having to work late her daughter sniffed heroin ten years later until she didn’t feel ugly anymore,” doctors explained. Also believed to be sources of the problem are society, responsibility, and anything else that anyone who’s not a pussy will deal with like an adult by getting blind drunk once a week.

The experiments initially began when public outcry over dead celebrities could no longer be ignored. There are, as always in such controversial test studies a large group of skeptics, notably the other 99% of celebrities who don’t freebase cocaine for breakfast. When questioned, famous celebrity and heroin not abuser Leonardo DiCaprio had this to say, “most drug addicts are pretty boring when not doing drugs so it’s basically a wash.” Fans have turned their back on the star as a result of his statements. Jack Roberts, college marketing major, explained the reasoning in an editorial on his yet to be read blog, “these celebrities have gotten too full of themselves. Who do they think they are to not give us reason to feel good about ourselves by publically mourning them on our Facebook statuses?”Japan had no comment as they are currently under three feet of water and nuclear fallout.

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