CHICAGO, IL (USA)

With the NBA dead locked in negotiations reports are coming in from around the country that grades are skyrocketing within the inner city communities. When questioned, one Indiana teen spoke bluntly on the harsh situation, “you gotta either study for that exam, or deal that crack rock, not too many options to get out of this ghetto.” When reporters asked why there exists such a bleak outlook amongst today’s impoverished youth he had this to say, “that’s just how it is in the hood. We can’t take the road you guys take, sometimes you just have to pick up that pen.”

Most impressed with the recent trend is Louanne Johnson, famous character portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer from the 1995 cult classic Dangerous Minds. “Oh, it’s great news, and this time I didn’t even have to pretend to like the kids.” Principle Joe Clark, as portrayed by Morgan Freeman, expressed similar sentiments, “can I still expel the really dark ones?”

Not all were optimistic about the news. Dr. Robert Schaffer, of San Diego University spoke earlier today, “this is pretty bad for white kids. For generations they’ve thrived on the fact that so many others wouldn’t. ” A student of Dr. Schaffer’s agreed to be interviewed, explaining that there’s only two ways to get out of the suburbs, “you gotta either shoot that puck, or pretend you have A.D.D. so you can sell those prescription amphetamines.” White trash is believed to be unaffected, at least until Nascar’s Sprint Series ends its season.

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