HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
A jury found the 29 year old star of Superbad guilty this morning on 14 counts of only getting laid because he was lucky enough to know Judd Apatow. This concludes a lengthy trial surrounded in controversy and a media circus. Sentencing is scheduled for early next week.
Mr. Rogen was first brought into custody on May 20th as a result of a sting operation. When the Green Hornet actor answered in the affirmative after being asked by late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel if he believed his fiancé truly loved him authorities swarmed the set, restraining Rogen without difficulty. “Even for a city of denial and delusion that was just a little too much,” said SWAT team leader Jim Caranahan, “if he’d only gotten a prenup and kept banging hookers he’d still be a free man right now.” Referring to the twelve step program which first became popular when Jonah Hill realized you can pay for sex.
Fat and even slightly pudgy actors are being extra careful at night around the city citing the now dangerous environment. Police Chief Art Bilby held a press conference moments ago, “pay extra attention to your surroundings. If someone approaches you that you don’t recognize, it’s probably because you’re famous.” Celebrities are being urged to have sex with strangers but only once and to work on a buddy system.