“It’s all about trying to reach your target demographic” said Herbert Jones, Head of Strategic Marketing during an early Thursday morning at a press conference held at Weight Watchers Inc headquarters in Jerico, NY, “and our target demo has always been people who are ashamed of the way they look naked. We decided to take a more direct approach with our marketing campaign and let people know if they start now, they can lose enough weight to look fuckable by new years.”

Historically both the weight loss and health club industries have shown their biggest influx of new membership due to New Year’s Resolutions, and in the Spring during “beach body” marketing campaigns. Analysts say this new Weight Watchers campaign is an attempt to pull in new members from August through December which is usually their slow season. Fitness experts say those months are typically when people “Andy Reid” themselves. This was later clarified to mean “gain a large quantity of weight,” and not “drive your children to heroin use.”

The advertising campaign is not without its small print, making sure not to guarantee that clientele will have sexual intercourse on New Year’s Eve. “Weight Watchers Inc. usage of the word Fuckable is defined as a combination of social awkwardness, the level of sobriety from the interested party, and the amount of loose skin after weight loss. Weight Watchers Inc. does not guarantee the act of being fucked will take place on the evening of December 31st, 2011 as a result of the program. Clients who do not get fucked are encouraged to return to their previous routine of fucking themselves.”

Rob DeSantis