In a Monday morning press conference outside of their headquarters in Langley, Virginia, CIA Director of Intelligence Michael Morell announced the agency would begin an advertising campaign to raise awareness surrounding their international affairs. During the press conference, Morell fondly recounted memories of his early days with the CIA when “…everyone was looking over their shoulder.” He went on to explain, “We were treated like rock stars in the ‘80’s. I decided to enter the intelligence industry because I wanted some of that spotlight. These days, we can’t get anyone to pay attention to us. We thought lying to Congress about which countries were committing human rights abuses would raise some eyebrows. It didn’t. Now we’re trying Twitter.”

What the CIA lacks in judicial oversight, it makes up for in omnipotence. “We stir the pot. That’s what we do,” Morell said to the crowd. “If the Judicial and Legislative branches aren’t going to pay attention, we’re going to keep shaking the tree.” Morell went on to explain CIA plans to distance themselves from the very government they were formed under. “From this point forward, the Central Intelligence Agency will be a private entity. Sponsorship deals are the in works. Let’s be honest, we’ve already been doing a pretty good job of receiving outside funding these past these past 63 years!”

If Morell’s enthusiasm is any indication, the CIA’s best days are still ahead of it yet. Will we see an increase in the amount their name is written on picket signs? Will protestors again gather to rally against them on the Washington Mall? Morell sure hopes so. “We’re really confident this new ad campaign, accompanied with our private rebranding will do wonders for the agency.” Morell concluded the press conference by saying, “The American people want a smaller government. We’re giving them just that!”

Troy Olson Muxlow