Amid current NBA lockout many players have been reported to be seeking refuge in foreign leagues. It came as no shock this morning when Mr. Bryant’s agent Rob Pelinka released news of the star’s new contract and relocation. “Kobe is happy and proud to announce that he is the latest and only ever addition to the historic Istanbul Rockets.” When asked if he could handle the new workload of being an entire roster Bryant spoke with his usual candor, “it’ll be difficult to adjust but seeing as how the Rockets are the only existing team in the league I think I’ll manage.” Bryant is expected to spend the duration of the season jumping over cars, trucks, and single engine airplanes.

Upon arriving in Istanbul Bryant spoke of his controversial past and hopes for the future, “it is true I was on trial for rape back in the states and just want to make a declaration, a promise that something like that will never happen here in your fine country, mostly because it is socially accepted and generally encouraged.” The commodities market is already predicting a sharp increase in female stoning.

The Rockets are currently in their fifth year of existence and dynasty run, never having lost a finals series team president Faysel Sahil believes, “there’s no reason to start losing now.” When asked how he felt Bryant would fit into his new surroundings Sahil jokingly replied, “if he doesn’t win he will be sentenced to death. This is not a joke my friend.” Fans are joyous and already celebrating the news.