Stamford, CT (USA)

Recent polls amongst the 25 to 35 year old demographic of college graduates, people who shop at Trader Joes, and general douche-bags are showing that Volkswagen has surpassed Toyota as the most popular car when price range was an important issue. One driver spoke enthusiastically, “of course not, there’s no way I’d drive a Jap car. We need to take them out of business!” Toyota spokespeople have stated the first manufacturing plants to close would most likely be those located in Huntsville, Alabama and Buffalo, West Virginia.

Statistics are also showing that between 35% to 48% of people driving BMW’s were former owners of a Volkswagen, now being labeled as gateway car by industry insiders. “It’s very dangerous. It completely changed my son, he always walks around now acting like he might be worth something,” said Carla Jean, mother of college student and frequent Ikea shopper Robert Jean. The public is being warned not to panic and to maintain normal day to day activity however to show extra caution when in public. Warning signs of a potential Volkswagen driver include discussing politics, khaki pants, and having children who have potential to become whatever they want to in this world.

The epidemic has sparked major interest from the Obama administration, the president himself addressing the issue during his weekly radio broadcast marking the beginning of what he labeled “the war on good cars when better ones are too expensive.” The president continued, “we must not buckle at the first signs of adversity. Remember, we are a nation that survived Saab.”