In a startling turn of events former Russian President and current Soviet Man of the People Vladimir Putin has reunited the Soviet Union and stepped into power under what he describes as “eastern democracy.” When asked to elaborate his statement current Man of the People Putin explained “eastern democracy is like western democracy but without the voting.” It is believed that the former nation of Ukraine is opposed to the current events however a majority of the population could not be contacted from within their train currently bound for Siberia.

Putin spoke earlier this morning to the people of his nation, calming their nerves as to the country’s future. He explained that between him and his dim witted field mouse friend named Pinky the nation was bound for international glory. When criticized for plagiarism due to similarities between a speech delivered by a Chancellor of Germany in 1934 Putin responded firmly, “it is ridiculous to believe that I intend to kill Jews.” Referring to the fact that a majority of the nation’s Jewish population had already fled during previous decades of oppression. The speech was concluded with announcement of the construction of several new summer camps located in the states of Georgia, Uzbekistan, and Kyrgyzstan. “Not just for kids,” Putin spoke and smiled, “it’s the new slogan, what do you think?” GNN reporters were later explained what to think and sentenced to two years labor for political espionage.

President Obama immediately addressed the people of the United States in what he later described as his own attempt to calm the nerves of a worrisome nation. He argued that congress has to work together on a bipartisan decision of whether to pledge allegiance to China or the newly reformed Soviet Union. “We will make the right decision and by week’s end you’ll know which Rosetta Stone to purchase.”