ARLINGTON, VA (USA)

Following the Sopranos style revenge killing of Osama Bin Laden, the Pentagon has advised Homeland Security to add a new threat level to the terror alert system: Alert Level Zombie Bin Laden. The move follows the Center of Disease Control’s publishing of instructions on what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

“The threat of a zombie Bin Laden is very real,” said lead zombie expert at the CDC Dr. James Mullins, “the dramatic manner in which Osama Bin Laden was killed and then disposed of, really lends itself to a zombie-esque plot twist. And everyone knows thats how zombies happen.”

An anonymous source at the Pentagon noted, “What makes a zombie Bin Laden so threatening is that we will be unsure of his motivation until first contact. Does he want brains? 72 virgins? Or the violent overthrow of the Zionist American government? These are all questions that remain unanswered.” Unfortunately, it seems as though they will only be answered when the zombie crawls out of the Arabian sea.

There is another danger of a zombie Bin Laden. As per the Muslim burial ritual, Bin Laden was wrapped in white cotton cloth before being disposed of, leading a zombie Bin Laden to be easily mistaken for a mummy Bin Laden. This confusion could potentially lead to more deaths, as no one truly fears a mummy – a creature that essentially wonders around like a drugged burn victim.

Regardless, the threat of a zombie Bin Laden is all too real. Dr. Mullins adds, “By killing Bin Laden we’ve become 60% more vulnerable to a zombie attack. This is it, we’re through the looking glass, people”

Noah Odabashian
noahodabashian@gmail.com

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