“I’m almost 62 years old and I’m standing here at the prime of my life,” said Nyad, preparing for her 103 mile swim Monday morning. Nyad, now 61 years old, says she is proving that “being a senior citizen does not limit you physically” and she enthusiastically jumped into the ocean. Unfortunately she lost some credibility as she swam 20 mph under the speed limit, and left her turning signal on the first 10 miles.

However that was the least of her problems, as when she finally arrived on the Florida coast, she realized she had forgotten her passport, and was mistaken for a Cuban refugee. “All these damn Cuban’s want to come into our country, sell cocaine, and live like Tony Montana,” said Coast Guard Captain Troy David, “This isn’t Scarface God Damn It! Can’t you see this communist is trying to smuggle cocaine in her Speedo!?!?” When it was pointed out to David that she was in fact a 61 year old woman, he responded, “Yea well…they all look alike to me!”

Nyad is expected to be released later today once her passport is brought to the Coast Guard, and her identity can be confirmed. However this highlights a growing American concern, as for the first time in years, Americans following their local news networks were forced to give a shit about an old person. Old people belong in retirement homes baking cookies and having creepy old sex with pharmaceutically generated erections. Not in the news where we remember they are still “people.” This is exactly why America didn’t vote for McCain.

Rob DeSantis