With the stock market dipping over 1100 points over the weekend congress was forced to take drastic bipartisan steps to alleviate the debt plaguing the nation. President Obama spoke this morning, reassuring citizens that the plan would be successful in both strengthening the economy, the dollar, and lowering unemployment. “Nicolas Cage’s forehead will be the first great boom of the 21st century,” said President Obama, “American’s are already packing their belongings and heading out west with dollar signs in their eyes.” It is being reported that make-shift towns are already being erected along the ridges of what was once a prominent hairline.

People are being warned to show caution when relocating to the newly ratified state. Owner of the Royal Flush Saloon and Bordello, John Daranger spoke on the situation, “it’s pretty lawless and very dangerous out here. Nicolas Cage’s forehead is not for the faint of heart.”

The world is in panic at what is being described as America not collapsing. China immediately responded by laboring half a million children at slave wages. Hu Jintao, President of the People’s Republic of China issued this statement, “be confident in China’s epic rise to global dominance. America has no chance. For every aging celebrity’s physical flaw they appoint political amnesty we shall abuse half a million children. We have many children.” President Obama spoke of outrage as he fitted on a new pair of Nike sneakers before taking to his backyard basketball court for a game of 1 on 1 with someone else who clearly has not been effected by the harsh economy.