Months after his separation from Maria Shriver due to Schwarzenegger‘s fathering of an illegitimate child with former employee Mildred Baena, Arnold has decided to get back into the dating world and has joined popular internet dating site, Match.com . His profile reads, “Former Mr. Universe and Big Screen Actor seeks discrete woman, preferably half Mexican, half Kennedy.”

“I don’t know why anyone was surprised I cheated on Maria,” said Schwarzenegger, “I’m a politician now. Everyone’s doing it; I’m just one of the ones that got caught. You should see the bitch Mitt Romney is banging…and he’s a Mormon so he could cheat on a bunch of wives simultaneously!”

When asked why he started a relationship with former maid Mildred Baena, Schwarzenegger said “I picked Mildred because she was my housekeeper, and it was convenient for me. Could you imagine having a woman you can have sex with living in your own house?” When it was pointed out to Schwarzenegger that his ex wife Maria Shriver lived at home, he said “No, I said have sex with…Why does no one understand what I’m trying to say here? Is it my accent?”

Schwarzenegger has decided he doesn’t want to stay single long, and he put himself out on popular internet dating website match.com, “I just want what every man wants, a woman who is gullible, doesn’t ask a lot of questions, and has really attractive shallow friends who can keep a secret.”

Rob DeSantis