Florida Resident Mark Newman was taken in to custody yesterday after a neighbor called 911 to report a domestic disturbance. According to police when they arrived at the Gator Springs Mobile Home Park they found Newman beating his sex doll/girlfriend with a tire iron. After an attempt to escape through an open window he was apprehended by police.

Ambulances were called to the scene and took the doll to Tampa General Hospital. She is alive, but still in critical condition. According to whitenesses the doll had suffered several physical tears and significant deflation. Assuming the doll presses charges, Newman may face a five year jail sentence due to previous counts of assault for beating his previous sex doll in 2003.

Although the doll could not be reached for comment, acquaintances of Mr. Newman say he is “ill tempered” and “prone to domestic abuse involving inanimate masturbatory paraphernalia.” Next door neighbor Todd Walters recalled yesterday’s events as being “Not unlike a child hitting a piñata.” Oddly enough large quantities of candy were found at the scene according to the responding officer.

Newman has been released on bail and will stand trial some time next month. Local police have advised all vendors of erotic goods not to sell to Mr. Newman in an attempt to prevent further crime.

So remember to treat your sex dolls with the compassion and respect they deserve because they are people too. People without organs, bones, and intelligence. People with vinyl skin and eyes that never close. Like they’re always watching you…judging you…mocking you. Truly they are a kind of evil only Satan or Ann Coulter could match, but that is no reason to hit them.

Trey LaCroix