Rioting has finally made its way to America after civil unrest overseas has dominated news coverage over the past three weeks. Footage of Libya, The London Riots, and Egypt has finally inspired local New Jersey man Stan “The Tank” Jones to stand up and organize a riot of his own. What was the cause of this riot? Stan found a stray onion ring in an order of French fries at a local Greek diner in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

This movement takes a different tone than usual American Rioting, which has traditionally been reserved for celebratory sporting events or protests over a damaged sense of entitlement. The New Jersey Riots have been declared by many as being the first American Riot in years that is actually directed at an “injustice”, not just a “drunk group of assholes” trying to steal electronics and setting things on fire.

Libyan Rebels in Tripoli rebelling against Gadhafi were informed of the New Jersey Riots early Wednesday, and their response was described as “mild confusion”. “I don’t understand…why they protest” asked one Libyan Rebel. “Wouldn’t an extra onion ring be a bonus?” Rioting began quieting down Wednesday afternoon after the Riot Control team had used large quantities of mace on multiple overweight, hairy Italian men wearing wife beaters. When asked for comment, Barack Obama was quoted as saying “it’s a Jersey thing…”

Rob DeSantis