Not since the days of Ali and Frazier have fight fans been this excited for a scheduled match. Already being touted as the Fight of the Century, this upcoming Friday’s Hurricane vs. Earthquake is shaping up to be a blood bath of unnecessary panic and over-estimated destruction. Fans are already getting their water bottles and canned tomato soup ready. Promoter Don King spoke this morning during a breakfast press conference at the Vegas Hotel and Casino, “I just don’t know which will cause more panic, that’s why you have the match, so you can see who the clear winner is, who the people unreasonably fear more.”

All pay-per-view records are expected to be broken as well as Netflix Dexter marathons. Parts of the East Coast are already being evacuated to regions less prone to hurricanes and earthquakes. By moving the public to places like recently destructed Joplin, Missouri, generally known as tornado-country, East Coast residents are expected to be safe from East Coast destruction but close enough to Mid-West destruction as to not subside their already steady levels of panic.

Stay tuned for more information regarding something that will only questionably happen.