DALLAS, TX (USA)

Southwest Airlines has always had a reputation of eco-friendly prices with exceptional service. However, due to the pressure from rival airlines, Southwest has created additional charges for passengers as well. Starting September 17th, the airline will begin to charge emotional baggage. Hang-ups over father issues, abusive exes, and self-image crises are no longer considered carryon items, and they will be weighed and evaluated by Southwest personnel.

“The reason we charge emotional baggage is because some people can’t let go, and they insist on bringing their baggage everywhere,” Southwest CEO Patrick Boley states.

The cost of emotional baggage remains a point of contention: usually $25 extra for each old flame a passenger continues to carry a torch for. Recently Boley has undergone a rapid fire of criticism, especially from the female community who have been most affected by the new policy. Women tend to have twice as much emotional baggage than men, Southwest has found.

“I have had a bad history with women,” states Chris Flanagan, a frequent flyer. “It’s not uncommon for me to pay an additional $75 when flying Southwest due to the falling out I had with Jessica two years ago.”

Omaha resident Kevin Lavin states, “my girlfriend [Alicia Drury] s’ baggage has always slowed us down at airports. I ask her if she would like my help, but, you know, she wants to do things herself.” Lavin reportedly was waiting at baggage claim where Drury had yet to own up to have any baggage at all. “I have nothing to claim,” Drury states. “Whatever, I’m over it.”

Southwest has cornered the market on emotional baggage claims and the airline has actually seen an increase in flight attendance. “I couldn’t even check my baggage with United,” claims Ruth Groenwald, “they have a strict policy called No Skeletons in the Closet. I am a 45 year old divorcee raising three kids alone. Of course I have baggage.”

As of the policy’s debut, rival airlines are beginning to follow suit. Starting October 23rd, JetBlue will charge guilt trips from New York to Miami.

Phil Biedron
philbiedroncomedy.com

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