SAN FRANCISCO, CA (USA)
A controversial study released today indicates that dinosaurs may not have fallen victim to a climate-changing asteroid as previously thought, but rather an ancient court decision which legalized the union of same-sex lizard couples. The article, released by devout christian paleontologist Dr. Herbert Smith, concludes that state-sanctioned acceptance of the alternative lifestyle spawned a generation of curious reptiles that were more interested in experimenting with a once-taboo subject than finding a suitable reproductive partner, which ultimately led to their demise.
Despite its release only hours ago, the report has already sparked outrage among several members of the scientific community, who accuse Dr. Smith of practicing spurious research techniques to make unsubstantiated claims. Paleontologist Dr. Peter Heston was the first to publicly criticize the article, saying “I don’t even know where to start. Just listen to this excerpt: ‘after the prehistoric supreme court decision, the enormous critters became very confused about their sexuality and just sort of banged away at it for a few more years until they all died.’ Who is this nutjob?”
Supporters of Dr. Smith, who finished his eight-week doctorate at an online university earlier this week, are quick to defend his work. “It’s inspiring to find a man of science who is first and foremost a man of faith” praises christian Larry Baker. “I wish that more scientists would use scripture to confirm and conform their facts.”
Anti-gay marriage lobbyists, which funded Dr. Smith’s study, worry that humans may share the same fate as their reptilian ancestors if gay marriage remains legalized. Spokesman Ann Baker released the following statement: “We are sincerely grateful for Dr. Smith’s work, and are amazed that the extinction of one species can provide so much insight into the survival of another. Dr. Smith continues to assist us with other projects, and we are happy to report that he may have already found compelling evidence linking birth control to unicorns.”