Harvard researchers this week found that Soduko, a popular game featuring numbers often found in newspapers and magazines, has surpassed Crossword Puzzles and the SAT’s and the leading cause of violence against #2 pencils. Statistics show that Soduko is now the cause of over 43% all Pencil abuse cases in the United States.

“This is a startling statistic to those who have been working to stamp out white-on-yellow violence in this country” said Joe West, leader of the S.G.A.N. (Stop Graphite Abuse Now). “We have been working against the crossword puzzle industry for years, and just when it looks like print is dead and people are only doing crossword puzzles on their phone’s and online, Soduko is causing all this pencil abuse. If we don’t write to our congressmen and congresswomen to stop this who will? Pencils can’t write for themselves!”

Glenn Thompson, Pennsylvania Representative of the House for Education and Workforce had this to say: “Well we can’t stop using number two pencils for educational pursuits like the S.A.T.’s, however I do support the banning of Soduko puzzles in this country. Have you ever tried one of those things? You think you have it and then all of a sudden you have two 9’s on the same line! It’s like, MOTHER FUCKER! 9!!! ARE YOU GOD DAMN KIDDING ME! And then it’s all too easy to take anger out at your poor defenseless pencil. People need to go back to the old way of letting out aggression, giving your wife a good old fashion slap in the face for something completely unrelated and then drink a scotch.”

Rob DeSantis